Can't get aroused to anything else but the weird fetish I have

[GallantLandry]

I hope it's okay to post this here, but... Same here, pretty much word for word on everything and with the exact same fetishes. I've accepted that they're what I need to orgasm during masturbation. I cannot climax without them, aside from one sole occasion a few years ago, where I brute-forced (lol) an orgasm that felt rather painful and not very gratifying at all. I was so determined to come to something 'normal'. I shut my eyes, turned off the porn and started going ham. I could not replicate this one-off ever again, to this day and I don't think I want to... Was my approach silly? Yes. Could I try that again more sensibly? I think so. Unlike OP, I haven't had any recent changes to my sex drive/sexuality occur. I still can't get aroused by anything else. I have had sex before, but it sucked. I dissociated and my anxiety went haywire, deciding to run endless thought spirals in my mind about how fat/unattractive, unskilled, insecure, stupid, clumsy, hesitant and anxious I was. And the other person could definitely see me beating myself up and panicking about all this, because they kept asking if I was okay and giving me weird looks. Or they just got fed up of my uncertainty and insecurity and completely took control of the sex, doing things to me while I just lay there and took it. I haven't had sex again due to these experiences. I clearly can't get turned on with someone watching me and I've had a handful of experiences involving abuse and coercion, as described. So, yeah. I'm actually at a dead end right now and I feel so much distress and fear for the future regarding everything, but here, specifically, sex. I just want to have sex with someone and be able to climax with them. I worry that without that, I'll never get into and stay in a relationship long-term. I'll be too unhappy and end up just lying there and taking it for the rest of time, I guess.

[Sam W]

Hi GallantLandry,

It sounds like your sexual experiences have been negative, if not downright abusive, before you even get to the element of trying to incorporate your sexual preferences into the equation. I'm so sorry they've been that way, and that they've left you feeling like you'll never be able to have a long-term relationship or a satisfying sexual relationship with a partner.

Have you been able to get any support around the anxiety that causes you to dissociate, or around the abuse you've dealt with? It sounds like those are both things that contribute to your current or past experiences with sex, and they're also things you deserve to get some care and support around.

I do want to say that, even if someone can NEVER orgasm with a partner, while it can be frustrating it doesn't mean they can't still have a pleasurable, partnered sex life. There are all kinds of things that help sex be pleasurable outside of the experience of orgasm, including things we might not know about until we're with the partner they happen with or a partner introduces us to them, you know?

[GallantLandry]

I think you're right. Thank you for the supportive words. I'm on a waiting list for therapy concerning childhood and adulthood abuse and trauma. I feel like nothing could fix me, but I haven't exactly got a choice but to try it. I've had Cognitive Behavioural Therapy before, but it did not help. Hopefully the next therapy is helpful. I also feel like having sex with my future partner and sitting there after they've climaxed but I have not would disturb me a lot. It would be awkward and shameful. Then they'd start drilling you with questions and accusations about your level of interest in them, or fret over their 'performance'. And it would happen night, after night, after night... Because, apparently couples have sex every day (the idea of which, fills me with terror). Sooner or later, I'd likely be accused of cheating, since I seem to dissociate from sex and cannot orgasm, but can certainly do so with porn. I can already hear the complaints and suspicious remarks. Anyway, I'd still very much like to come to something normal. I feel shame and I feel like what I watch is scarring my self-image even further. There are quite a few people into 'prosecco', so I'd be content if that one stayed. I've actually told some friends about it and they recoiled at first, but accepted it within minutes. But the other one... I'm starting to see mental images of it when I'm doing other things, like eating or cooking, which is making me feel rather ill. I seriously regret discovering that fetish. Also, I feel as if I need to come to porn of people having sex, otherwise I won't be able to come irl with a partner. Just how true is that for most people? I'm sure most of them just turn on a quick video, hammer away to it and then do it irl and feel like they're acting out a porno, which possibly excites them enough to come. I don't know how normal people work. I've had a rather dim and secluded life.

I can't turn off the anxiety and extreme self-consciousness that radiates from me most of the time. People get a whiff of it and everything goes topsy-turvy. Not good. I keep trying to step out of my body and see what others are seeing (which probably exacerbates the dissociation issue), and what I end up seeing is an object, not a person. I've concluded that I might look and act so weirdly that I don't register as a person to others. Maybe they become so confused that their brains shut down and turn off the ability to regard my fragmented sense of self as a whole entity. There's just nothing cohesive about me, because all I do is pick myself apart and criticise myself, as I've been trained to do in childhood. It's a big turn-off and no one has the patience for it. I think I focus too much on the other person's perspective, because that was also the only option all my life, prior to finally moving out. So, maybe it feels to the other person that they're having sex with a doormat people-pleaser that doesn't have any 'initiative'? Oops, did it again, speculating about their thoughts.

[Latha]

Hi GallantLandry,

You've described some of your experiences and concerns here, and I have to say that I'm sorry you're going through all this. It seems painful, isolating, and confusing. You touched upon the idea that there is something wrong with you a few times. Honestly, I don't see you that way. To me, it just seems like you're struggling with some difficult problems. You don't need to be fixed, you just need some help, as we all do at many points in our lives. If you can, try to reframe the way to talk to yourself in this way.

I think you may have some mistaken ideas that are leading you to make some very pessimistic conclusions about your prospects. It is understandable that you have them because it is not hard to pick up these ideas in the societies that we live in, but let me try to set the record straight:

• Many factors can influence your ability to orgasm- your interest in your partner and your partner's skill are only two. People know this, and if they don't they can learn. So, it isn't inevitable that your partner will experience a crisis of confidence or that they will start interrogating or accusing you if you don't orgasm. (Here, I want to repeat something Sam said. Even if someone can never orgasm with a partner, it doesn't mean they can't still have a pleasurable, partnered sex life.)

• Many couples do not have sex every day, and that is okay. You do not have to have sex every day, or even have it at all to maintain a loving and committed relationship.

• As you know, being able to orgasm while watching porn, and dissociating during sex are not indications that someone is cheating. If someone were to accuse you of cheating based on those facts, they would be wrong. You can find partners who understand this, partners who would understand and support you.

• There is not a direct connection between being able to orgasm while watching people have sex, and being able to orgasm during sex with a partner. Those are different experiences.

I'm sure most of them just turn on a quick video, hammer away to it and then do it irl and feel like they're acting out a porno, which possibly excites them enough to come.

I wouldn't say that this is the case... You know, I think that there is no meaningful idea of normal that you (or anyone) should strive for. There is only what works for you. Some people enjoy watching porn, and others don't. Some people incorporate porn into their sexual relationships with other people, others do not. There are so many people in the world, and there is so much diversity and variety to be found in our sexualities. You don't have to try to be normal, you just have to explore what feels good for you.

How do you feel about all this?

I want to ask if you've heard of the term 'catastrophizing'. It is when your mind focuses on the worst things that could happen. When I start feeling that way, I try to remind myself that the worst-case scenario is usually very unlikely. Here, I want to comment on the situation you described in your post: it would be incredibly cruel and unjustified if your partner were to act that way. Trust me, most people act better than that. If you want, you can read more about catastrophizing and ways to handle it here.

But the other one... I'm starting to see mental images of it when I'm doing other things, like eating or cooking, which is making me feel rather ill.

Minds are like that sometimes, they just provide you with thoughts or images that you don't want. Do you feel able to redirect your attention and focus when this happens?

A good therapist can really help with so many of the struggles that you've described, so I hope the next therapy is helpful too. On that subject, you might like to read this article of ours: Process This: Getting the Most Out of Therapy

If I may ask, what do you mean when you say that everything goes topsy-turvy? What happens, exactly?

I've talked a lot here, so feel free to respond to just a few parts if that is easier.