Issues with my family

[maroonteen]

My parents are traditional muslim immigrants, they constantly tell me and my siblings that they love and accept us no matter what--but I can't help but doubt that. I've seen my mother make horrible comments about Queer people being unnatural--and the result of bad parenting, and my dad resorts to "i'm neutral" to avoid an argument. My siblings accept me for who I am, and I'm happy I built up the courage to come out to them (I’m an afab trans kid.) I've never really had a great relationship with my parents, they were a bit abusive to my siblings when I was younger, and while they only hurt me once or twice, I never really got over it. I feel bad, considering my siblings have forgiven them, as they were hurt much more. I feel like I should forgive them too, but I think since it happened at such a young age for me, I'm traumatized from it. I deal with a lot of mental health issues, I survived an attempt and I'm in therapy. I can't help but feel the root of my persisting issues is my parents. I've brought this up to my siblings, hoping that I can be validated, but they insisted our parents were just brought up differently, and that it's hard to break down those teachings. This makes sense but..should that really be dismissing my feelings? My dad tells me he regrets the abuse, and my mother tells me it was necessary for discipline. So contrary to what my siblings may think, I don’t think my parents are willing to change. Now back to the trans thing real quick (sorry for how disorganized this is)--my siblings are convinced that my parents would accept me. But with the comments I've heard from my mother about Queer people, and how ignorant both of them are of all things untraditional..I don’t think this is the case. I really don’t think I could convince my parents to call me by my preferred name or pronouns. I’ve hinted at it, but my mother complains constantly about how she’d never call me by a different name. I’m at a point in my life where I’m almost finished with highschool, and about to follow after my older siblings by going to college. Now the problem is..who am I taking with me? My parents swear their love is unconditional, but all those forceful hugs and kisses feel so artificial when I remember how I am lying to them. They would never throw me out for who I am, but they would also never acknowledge it. I just know that if I come out, I'm gonna be forced to face phrases like "you're just confused." Well, I guess am confused. Why do my siblings disagree with me? Is it okay that I feel so affected by these things, or am I being overdramatic? If my siblings got over it, shouldn't I? Should I keep my parents in my life–is there an obligation to stay after everything they sacrificed to get me into this country? I’m not sure what the right thing for me to do is. My head is screaming to leave my parents behind and be myself for the first time, but my heart is reminding me of everything my parents sacrificed for me.

[Latha]

Hi Maroonteen, welcome to the boards!

I don't think that you're being overdramatic about this. Your parents may have been brought up differently, and it may be hard for them to break down those teachings, but that doesn't change the fact that their actions and words hurt you now. Given your mother's cruel comments about queer people, her response when you have hinted at wanting a new name, and her justification for the abuse that your siblings faced, along with your father's neutrality, I understand why you don't trust their affection.

You don't have to forgive your parents just because your siblings have done so. You are different people, living different lives. You may not have been the direct target of abuse like they were, but you were affected by your parents' behavior, and you are still dealing with it now.

Should you keep your parents in your life? Of course, that is something only you can decide. If you wanted, you absolutely could cut contact, and there would be nothing wrong with that. You are not obligated to stay in contact with them because of their sacrifices. You can appreciate them and still leave. You do have other options though. You can choose how much you want to be around them, and how much you want to let them know about your life.

Your parents may still change their minds about these topics. From your description, it does seem like it would be easier to get your father to support queer people than your mother. Right now, he is neutral- but he doesn't know that you are queer, so there isn't much incentive for him to take a stand on this issue with your mother. Knowing about you, or about how important this topic is for you might eventually give him such an incentive. Sometimes parents with these attitudes come around after a period of separation from their queer children, or due to the threat of it. And having the support of your siblings may help push them to reconsider their positions on these topics. There are resources for queer Muslims that provide rebuttals to some queerphobic arguments from a religious perspective too.

All that said, just because there is a possibility that they will change their minds, it doesn't mean that you have to stay and try to make it happen.

How does all this sound?

[maroonteen]

thank you for the advice. i’m not too sure about my father, though. maybe the neutrality made him out to be better, but i honestly think he’s worse. i feel more comfortable with my mother than i do him. he was the one who inflicted most of the violence when i was a kid, those earliest memories that i can’t seem to get out of my head. honestly, i think he’s less likely to voice his opinions, because he does it through my mother. if i wear something too short, he will tell her to tell me, and ill be told to change. he isn’t a kind man, and i think the more i go into detail, the more i realize just how much i resent him. he’s quite sexist, constantly picking on my mom (though with a joking tone) for her weight or her inability to listen. im also quite sure he’s cheating on her whenever he goes off on his “business trips.” anyway, i just don’t think he’s a viable option, but i can understand why you would think that from what you heard. i guess im just looking for validation for my resentment against them. after seeking professional help (my psychiatrist was also transphobic..) and general advice from my sisters, im honestly just hoping for someone to hear my story and understand it. i just have so many doubts now about whether or not it’s sensible to distrust them.

[Latha]

Oof, I can see how that would make your father a much less viable option.

You're looking for validation? I can try to give you that. I completely understand why you resent your parents, given their behavior. I get why their assurances of their support or love seem like cold comfort. What use is their love when they don't know you as a person? And you can't tell them who you are. After all, trust has to be earned, even by your parents. They haven't earned it, so it is sensible for you to distrust them. I'm sorry it seems like people in your life haven't taken your concerns about them seriously, and have dismissed your feelings. That's not fair. If you wanted to leave and cut contact with your parents, you would be justified in doing so.

And how frustrating that your psychiatrist was transphobic! If you are looking for a new doctor, and you'd like some guidance with the process, we can try to help.