Lack of sexual interest and issues masturbating

[eziver12]

Hi,
I (20F) have tried to masturbate a few times, and it has never worked. When I was younger, I was uncomfortable with it, so I pushed it off, and as I got older, it became this bigger and bigger thing. I have tried a few times, but I never feel anything. I have tried fantasies and porn and other things, and sometimes I will get wet, but nothing is ever stimulated. I have never been in a relationship or had any serious experience with another person, so I have no real-life experiences to base anything off of. I am wondering if that is the reason for this trouble. It's now become this big thing that stresses me out because I wonder if there is something wrong or if I just will never get any real sexual urges. I know a lot of people say just relax and explore, but I have a hard time forgetting about the end goal and everything. I am not sure if the trouble is because of all the stress and worry or if it's because I just have no sexual interest.

[CaitlinEve]

Hey eziver12!

Can I ask what leads you to masturbate in the first place? Are you doing it because you feel the desire to or some kind of sexual arousal? Or is it more that you feel like you "should" masturbate... or something else entirely?

We, unfortunately, can't answer the question of whether or not you have sexual interest as the only one to answer that would be you; what we CAN say is that masturbation isn't a requirement or a life milestone that you should feel you have to participate in to be an adult. Sometimes it just takes time to feel comfortable with yourself and your body's urges and needs.

Masturbation is presented as something big and exciting, but at the end of the day, it's up to you how it's seen in your life. It sounds like you personally are thinking of masturbation as something to conquer as opposed to something to enjoy and take your time with. Let me say that masturbation and sexual desire/arousal are different for everybody and there's nothing wrong with you not experiencing the type of sexual urges you see people talk about.

As for the stress aspect; it's not impossible that the reason you aren't experiencing sexual urges/interest is due to the stress and worry you are feeling! When you talk about the end goal, do you mean orgasm? Perhaps masturbating without the goal of orgasm, instead with the goal of feeling good, could help you along in your experience.

[eziver12]

Hi,
Thanks for your response! I think that I usually try to masturbate because I should. I feel like I am definitely interested in sex, but I never have had a strong desire or need to masturbate. I usually get stressed when I think about sex and masturbation. Some of it is because I am uncomfortable talking about it and I think most of it is because I feel like I am falling behind and I'm not sure if what I am experiencing is abnormal or something. It feels like all my friends are leagues above me right now haha. I do identify as a lesbian and although many people in my life know, I still get pretty uncomfortable talking about it and don't come out to my friends until there is kind of an inevitable or natural moment to do so. That might contribute to the general stress and discomfort I feel towards sex, but I am not sure. In general, I think before I try masturbating, I get really in my head about it so it becomes less explorative and desire-based, and more result and stress-based.

[Nadine E.]

Hi eziver12,

Thanks for sharing all that. Like CaitlinEve shared, while masturbation can be a way to explore our own bodies, desires and sexualities safely and on our own terms, masturbation isn’t a rite of passage or a requirement. It’s totally up to you to decide if you want to do it, and if you’re only doing it because you feel like you ‘should’, then it makes a lot of sense that it feels more stressful and result-oriented rather than explorative and process-oriented. If you are interested in looking at some resources specifically about how to masturbate, this might be a helpful starting point. But again, if your only motivation to do it is because of pressure rather than it being something you want to explore, then it may make sense to hold off on it for now.

I also totally get that it can feel uncomfortable talking about sex and masturbation. Unfortunately, we often grow up in contexts where we don’t get a lot of spaces to talk about this openly, comfortably, and safely and so we end up needing to develop the tools and language for that ourselves and through other communities and spaces (like Scarleteen!). So it's great that you're reaching out on here.

I’ll also say that there is nothing abnormal about what you’re experiencing. We all get a lot of messages about how and when we should be developing different types of sexual desires, having certain sexual and romantic experiences, etc. But the reality is that each person is different and people can connect and have these experiences with themselves and others at any point in their life, and there isn't a timeframe for when this should happen. Nonetheless, these messages can definitely breed anxiety and stress. I recommend checking out this piece that talks more about ways to navigate the feelings you’re sharing. Once you've taken a look at it, you could let us know if it brought up any specific thoughts or feelings, or if it resonated in any way. How does that sound?

Also, could you share a bit more about why you get uncomfortable talking about your sexuality or coming out to your friends?