Relationship confusion

[Arghdaq]

Uh so like I’m very unsure of myself because I really want a relationship like I crave physical touch and all that but the second there’s an opportunity for a relationship ion want it anymore. I want a relationship but the second I get it I don’t want it anymore. Sometimes I think I’m aromantic but I still really want a relationship. I want like physical contact but the second it happens I’m uncomfortable. I love the thought of a relationship and all but when the opportunity comes I just doubt myself and think “but I’m not really in love”. I can’t recall ever being in love either but I still want something. The only easy way to explain it is that I love the thought of a relationship but not the reality of it but I don’t understand why, is this some kind of mental illness or shitty sexuality or like? Before last year I didn’t even want a relationship but now I want it but when I get it I don’t want it anymore

[OrionRay]

Arghdaq,

What you're experiencing is actually fairly common! This could be stemming from a number of things, from issues with commitment or attachment, or it could be sexual orientation. Certain attachment styles can make it hard to be comfortable in a committed relationship. If you'd like to read more about those, I suggest looking here. viewtopic.php?t=2909

Beyond issues with attachment, it's also entirely possible that you are somewhere on the aromantic spectrum. There are many different sexualities and romantic orientations that fall under the aromantic umbrella, including things like greyromantic, demisexual, etc. Here's an article about that, if you'd like! https://www.verywellmind.com/what-does- ... ic-5189571

It's important to understand that if you do have an issue with attachment, that it can be worked on. And if you are aromantic, you are not broken. Relationships look different for everyone. Society often pushes romantic relationships as the end all be all, but platonic and familial relationships can be just as rewarding. Consider spending more time with friends and building meaningful connections with them, and seeing how you feel then. This may give you some insight on whether this is truly a problem with romance, or an overarching problem with emotional vulnerability.

Regardless, you are going to be okay. I hope this helps!

[Sam W]

Hi Arghdaq,

In addition to the points Orion made, can you say a little more about what it's looked and felt like to go from "I really want a relationship" to "the opportunity for a relationship has come and I don't want it?"

I ask because I suspect part of what's going on here is that when these potential romantic relationships have been on the table, they just haven't been relationships you were interested in or excited about. Which can actually be a good thing to recognize! Because it means you're already avoiding the pitfall of "any relationship is better than none."

[Arghdaq]

Well I keep having dreams and thoughts and such on relationships and scenarios I really want to experience but when someone actually likes me I just like feel weird and don’t want it anymore. I can’t ever recall being in love either just in love with the idea of being in love and such. Everyday I dream about scenarios and different people. For example I might meet a guy and dream about him but if I see he’s starting to like me then i don’t really want it anymore, and I’m never really in love. I looked into it more and it might be something similar to cupioromantic or another one I don’t recall.

[Sam W]

Got it. You know, some of this sounds to me like the kind of separating out of fantasy and reality that all of us tend to experience around romance and/or sex at some point. Romantic daydreams and fantasies can be fun! You're basically playing around in the safety of your mind, exploring what kinds of romance or relationships feel fun or desirable to you.

But when somebody, even that person you were fantasizing about, might or does show interest, that means reality is now intruding on the fantasy. Maybe that makes us realize "eh, the real version of this person isn't someone I feel any desire to date" or it stirs up feelings we have about how vulnerable dating might make us, or we think about all the logistics of dating and realize we're not ready for it, etc.

Would you say you feel that same, sudden drop in interest or instinct to pull away from friendships as well? Or just about relationships where a romantic dynamic is on the table.

I do also want to say that at 15, it's not that odd to have never been in love in the sense that people generally use that phrase. You've only had a few years where dating or romance really felt like something you wanted, and the pool of people you've been exposed to is pretty limited. Too, love is often an emotion that develops over time, rather than hitting us right after we first meet someone, so you may still be in the process of actually building up those loving relationships, both platonic and romantic.

[Arghdaq]

Some friendships I do tend to want to avoid after shared interest but it’s mainly dating and such. I’ve been thinking about the subject aromantic several times but each time I’ve kind of dismissed it to me being too young to know but at the same time I feel completely separated from everyone else around me and such. When I hear stories about my friends being romantically or sexually active I just feel weird and like awkward. Sometimes it does depend on the story though because some stories makes me want the same but every time there’s a chance for it I just go meh. I’ve been in relationships but I’ve never actually felt anything for the other person, I’ve just kinda said yes and pretended for their sake which has never really worked out. I know I’m young and all but nothing really feels right around dating and it feels wrong yet it’s something I really want. Sometimes I desire a more platonic or friends with benefits kind of situation rather than a relationship.

[Sam W]

That detail is all really helpful, thank you!

It does sound like right now, romantic relationships are something that are way more fun for you to imagine than to pursue in real life. And that's absolutely okay! As you said, it may suggest that you're aromantic, or that you haven't run across anybody in real life yet who makes you go "I must date them NOW," some combination of both, or something else entirely.

When you feel that desire for a friendship (or a friends with benefits scenario), does that desire then translate to wanting to build that relationship with that person in real life? If so, it sounds like those are the relationships to put your energy towards, since you actively want them to become a thing rather than them being something that only seems appealing in theory.