Relationship Situation regarding partners ex fwb

[yakov]

Hi there!

This is my first time here and I'm looking to get some help and advice.

I'm a 21 year old guy and I recently got together with my partner who is 20, we're currently into our 3th month and I feel like our love and relationship is perfectly fine, her parents love me to death and my parents love her as well, our connection between families are without doubt honest and love. However . . . I feel like lately, specially past month/two, shes been answering less often, not calling as often as we used to, now I know people get busy and so, but I feel like partners, lovers should be somehow prioritised that way you feel loved right? But lets get into business, the main reason I'm here. My partner used to have a ''Sex buddy'' just before our relationship, they had sex 2 weeks before me and her got together, I asked her if she would be willing to share her chats with specific guys I was a bit suspicious about and she immediately declined, telling me how much of a red flag it was, i said okay and let it go. Now, recently we sat on the train, she was scrolling through instagram and i noticed a chat that looked a little weird, I asked her to go through it and she kinda stopped and waited a bit, she later says ''It's my old sex buddy'' and so i once again asked her to go throught it and she did, i noticed their conversation and felt myself kinda dying inside, there we're some texts that kinda made creeped out sort of, not jealous just weirded out. They we're checking back on each other and some msgs were ''Whats new with you?'' She replied ''Nothing new, just good old me, you?'' he answered ''Same, grumpy old me haha'' and she replied ''Doesnt have to be a bad thing '' this kinda felt weird to read as it felt kinda flirty, she also said good morning a couple of times, reminded him when she came back to work. Another thing that made me feel weird was when he said ''Wish we could've built something together'' She replied ''Lego or relationship?'' we had a couple of talks about it, she typically said ''I don't know why I texted him'' ''I only answered cause I was curious of what he wanted from me''. It's over my head how much i think of it, how the conversation ends after she answered ''Lego or relationship?''.

I wish for some advice, tips or even someone to talk to about it.

[Heather]

Hi there, yakov. Welcome to the boards.

It sounds to me like the talks you have had with your partner haven't really left you feeling resolved, both about the way she is engaging with previous sexual partners, but even more about how you don't feel like she's connecting with you in the way that you would like. have you talked with her at all about that latter piece, about how you want more communication and depth of communication than you are currently getting from her?

[yakov]

We did talk through it, she understood my disruption about it, she has been texting and calling me more lately. It's just that one part that keeps repeating in my head, I wouldn't say insecurity or jealously, it's more curiosity of why she'd wanna text someone that it not relevant to our relationship or her anymore. I feel like our relationship is healthy and such, I trust her and I love her, she feels the same for me. But this curiosity, why she'd even respond, did she second guess going with him? did she feel like I wasn't enough? I also felt like she could've atleast told me shes talked to an old sexual partner, but kept it behind me.

[Heather]

I'm glad that you were able to talk about that and that your needs have felt more met lately when it's come to communication with her.

You know, since it sounds like she doesn't entirely know why she responded, I don't think that you or I are going to be able to figure it out. But she did offer up that she thought curiosity was part of it, so I don't see any reason not to take her at her word.

I don't personally think she had any responsibility to tell you she talked to an ex partner, just like I don't think you would have any were the situation reversed. I can even see reasons why not to tell someone you're in a newer relationship that, including that it just doesn't feel like anything that has anything to do with your relationship. It sounds like the feelings you're having are really more about your own insecurity than anything else, and given what a new relationship this is, and how she was with this person so soon before your relationship started, I can understand you feeling that way.

But I think the answer to this insecurity isn't going to be so much about knowing why she picked up contact again with an ex (and mind, lots of folks you could be in relationships with might stay in regular contact with exes or recent partners), or seeing all her messages, but instead building up security in this current relationship, like through the kinds of healthy things you have identified a need for, liek more communication.

How does that feel?