Scarleteen

I was wondering if I could ask about something that really confuses me. As much as I wish I could ignore it, I find that I, feel a certain way a lot. I consider myself Asexual, so I find it really frustrating most times. I also find that it if I can't ignore it, which I usually can but only for a couple of days tops, it starts to distract me. I spend hours somedays trying to get it to go away or to understand it but I find the only thing that really works, without making me feel bad, is to ignore it. I never know what to do, it's a weird feeling that I'm not very comfortable with to be honest. I know there are ways to release it but I'm really bad at it, and they make me feel rather ashamed. I guess I'm wondering if there's any solution to it.

Hey there.

You haven't said specifically what this certain way is that you feel, but from the sounds of things, I'm guessing you're asking about feelings of arousal or sexual desire?

If so, you're right: those feelings do tend to be a kind that will just come and go without us having to make any effort to do anything about them. I'm sorry that this is something that brings up feelings of shame for you. I don't personally think they're anything to be ashamed of, really these feelings and desires are a lot like feelings of hunger: just something that tends to be part of being a human being living in a body. They also aren't necessarily at odds with asexuality: these feelings don't mean you or anyone wants to do anything about them with another person just because they come up.

Is there anyway to accept them? Because I understand they're human and trying to get rid of them doesn't really seem to do anything other than make me more frustrated. And yes, that is what I'm referring too. I've never really been comfortable with it or understood it, or knew how to deal with it when it came up. But I've realized I've gotten even more confused and ashamed around the whole thing and I realize that should probably be worked on.

Absolutely.

It just may be that it takes you some time to accept them.

It might help to recognize that these feelings can't just be boiled down to hormones. Sure, a handful of different neurochemicals (things like dopamine and testosterone) are often part of sexual desires or arousal, but that's just one piece. This also involves things like memories, sensory input (like smells, sights, tastes, sounds) and reactions, our imaginations, and when these feelings crop up in relationship to others, things like the human need for touch and companionship.

It also might help you if you can get to the bottom of what causes shame and discomfort for you around these feelings. For instance, if you feel like they mean you are supposed to, or even have to, do something with them that you don't want to do, then for sure, that would make a person feel uncomfortable. If you have the idea that sexuality is in and of itself bad in some way, then for sure, that can bring up feelings of shame.

I think it's the very last thing you said. It doesn't make me feel like I have to do anything I just feel bad for, well feeling it in the first place. Any thoughts or feelings that come with it tend to make me feel uncomfortable, or anxious like I'm doing something wrong.

Okay, so let's start by digging into that set of feelings a bit more!

Let's take another form of desire--hunger--as an example. It's not a perfect one to one, since going without food puts us at risk in a way going without sex does not, but I think it'll work here. Like arousal, it's also something that can be set off not only by internal cues, but also by the environment (like feeling hungry after smelling something cooking). When you experience hunger, do you have those same feelings of discomfort or doing something wrong? If not, what about hunger feels different to you than arousal that leads to you not feeling that same guilt around it?

Hungers not the most pleasant feeling of course but. It usually doesn’t make me feel guilty. I don’t feel guilty for it because I realize more so that it’s a signal to take care of my body. I know everybody feels hungry every once in a while so I’ve never thought about feeling guilty for it.

Got it! So, I think it might be helpful to apply the logic in that last sentence to feeling arousal. While it's not quite as universal as hunger, I'd say the vast majority of people experience it. Experiencing it isn't a sign you're doing something wrong, it's more just an indicator that you're having a very, very, very common human experience.