Scarleteen

Hi there,
Is anyone available at the moment?

Hi TalylorJames,

We sure are! What would you like to talk with us about today?

I'm in the middle of a divorce. It's horrible, if I had my way we'd be trying to work it out, but my wife does not feel the same way.
In this time I am so horny though, I feel so guilty about it. I don't know who to talk to about it. I have a complicated past. My psychologist believes that i have in the past learned that sex equates to love, and now I am seeking love and closeness and so I am leaning towards sex.
I haven't gone put looking for anything yet or even tried because I don't want to regret it later. But this insatiable craving is killing me.
I masturbate often, I own proper vibrators but I crave deep hard penetrative sex. I crave being filled. I crave the beating against my body..
In the same breath I feel guilty and bad and ashamed. I feel sad and I dont know what to do with all these intense emotions.
I am gay and prefer to be with women. But I crave that hard recklessness that I had when I was with men.

I'm so confused.

I'm sorry to hear that the divorce is going poorly; ending a relationship that we valued is never easy, but it sounds like this is probably a rougher process than you were hoping it would be.

If sex is something you've previously equated with love, then I could certainly see how being in the midst of losing what was once a loving relationship could lead to you having an unexpected spike in your desire for sex. Do you agree with your psychologists assessment that you sought out sex when what you were looking for was another form of love or intimacy? Or does that not quite feel like it matches your experiences?

I think it's a very smart choice not to seek any sexual partner but yourself right now. You mention using vibrators, do you have any sex toys that can be inserted or stuck onto a surface where you could do something like sit on them? I ask because that might give you some of the sensations you've been craving. Too, as we've talked about before, knowing that you do enjoy more intense sex at times is useful information to bring to your next relationship, as it will help you communicate with your partner about what you do and don't enjoy during sex.

In terms of what to do with all these intense emotions, when we're going through a big life change, often we have to use multiple approaches for dealing with the feelings that arise. That could look like leaning on the rest of our support network, or on professional help where we can process what we're feeling. And sometimes it also looks like accepting that we're just going to have to ride an emotion out until it fades on its own.

The divorce itself is pretty amicable at the moment, but I am really taking it hard. I'm so so heartbroken and sad and feel lost.

I dont know if I agree with the assessment. It's something thats been said to me before and there are times when giving my body got me acceptance. But not love, it just felt good, and it was fun and then i felt bad.

But sex does make me feel loved and wanted and desired. Isnt that the point of sex though. Both my partners before complained that my sex drive was too much. That made me feel bad and like there is something wrong with me.

And so I feel bad now, that maybe there is something wrong with me.
I dont know if my need and drive is normal or too much. I just feel like a freak.
When i feel vulnerable i get easily turned on. I dont know if thats normal or just trauma. I just know that it feels insatiable..

Though I will know what to ask for in my next relationship. What other things in this support network is there to lean on?

You know, even when they're amicable, relationship endings can leave us feeling heartbroken. We wrote this piece with break-ups, rather than divorces, in mind, but it might be worth taking a look to see if there are strategies in it you can use to help you get through this: Getting Through a Breakup Without Actually Breaking.

With that support network, are there any friends who know you're going through a divorce and might be open to being there for you?

With those other worries about how much you want sex, I think it's important to establish from the start that nothing you're describing is bad or a sign that there's something wrong with you. How much people want sex is variable, not only from person to person but for a given person throughout their lives. And there's nothing inherently wrong with wanting sex often. It's literally just one of the ways we can be as a sexual being.

Problems can arise if there's a big mis-match between how much we want sex and how much our partners do, and some couples find they can work through that and others can't. Too, it's good to be mindful that if you do have a high desire for sex, you're not putting pressure on your partner to engage in it when they don't want to.

You're right that feeling loved or desired is one of the big reasons people choose to be sexual. I think the sticking point is that, when we have sex because we like feeling loved and wanted, we're making sure to do that in a context where we already feel that way, rather than hoping that having sex will create that feeling.

As for vulnerability, I don't think that's automatically tied to trauma, since I'd say that all sex involves at least some degree of that, since we're letting someone be as close to us as humanly possible. That's a vulnerable state to be in, both physically and emotionally, you know?