Scarleteen

Ok so first off this is my first time posting on the site, so apologies if I get anything wrong or if this isn't the right place for my problem or something


I'll get straight to the point, and give some background- I really struggle to have sex.

I am in a relationship with a girl and I would consider it to be pretty serious. We have been together for 13 months, but were really close for about 6 months before, so effectively a year and a half. I've had relationships in the past but I only turned 16 5 days ago so obviously when I was 12-14 years old I wouldn't say I was 'in love' with my then girlfriends. So I was a little nervous how this relationship would pan out at first, and whether I would do anything wrong, but everything ended up going really smoothly with no problems.
About 6 months into the relationship (summer 2014, so no school) I started really thinking about sex, thinking I was ready. So we talked and she was ready too. But it turns out I was wrong- I wasn't ready. Between august and December we tried 3 times and I chickened out, which was embarrassing. Finally on her 16th birthday in December I found the courage to complete the act but it was over pretty quickly and sadly I don't really remember what happened. Since then we have tried once more and I couldn't do it.

I don't understand. I love her dearly, and she has supported me a lot, notably when I had issues at home. She has been very understanding with this problem too. When the time comes to get intimate, I have no problem, and can participate in foreplay very comfortably, but as soon as it comes to the climax, I overthink/take too long/start to go soft/can't get it in. Please help!

I've now realised how long this is so again apologies if I've gone wrong somewhere.

Thanks for helping

Hello there, take me away. Welcome to Scarleteen.

Sometimes sex can be daunting when we have so many expectations, you know? The media has filled us with these faux ideas of how sex should be perfect, and all happens in this kind of straight line that is hard to understand that it just doesn't.

I think sex is some kind of experiment. You try, you fail, you try again, you try something different, you like it, you repeat, you don't like it anymore, you try something else… and so on and on. Know what I mean?

If I can suggest something, looks like you have a very understanding partner and you feel comfortable with them so, talking about what makes you feel nervous and how are you feeling is something worth doing. Open communication and being honest with each other, including your fears or struggles, should help. If you find that certain activities make you feel more comfortable than others, you always can stick to those. You can have a lot of fun without having intercourse! At least until you feel more comfortable. You DON'T have to feel ready right away, you know? And this has nothing to do with loving your partner or finding them attractive or not.

Keep in mind that first time intercourse won't always be perfect. Usually never is. That's not how sex and bodies work. So maybe it would be helpful to have a mindset where you -- and your partner -- are allowed to make mistakes and focusing less on making it "perfect" or whether you "take too long/start going soft/can't get it in, and more on having fun, being close and discovering new and fun things together. Mistakes sometimes are fun.