I'm insecure about I don't have any chance in a relationship in my 22,a period of transform

[xiaoge]

sorry ahead for my profile,it seems I print in wrong born age, I am 22 yrs now.And sorry for my poor English because I'm not a native speaker.
So,as the title said,I'm insecure about it,and after my pounder,I draw some possible reason to seek for an answer.
The first one is I'm a Chinese gay,which means that it's almost impossible to come out in our culture enviorment,so the only way to find somebody may gay is by online,but online app like 'blued'(kinda like tinder but from China)is based on short term relationship,sort of one night stand.But I'm feeling bad with engage sexual relationship who don't even know any,and it really makes me feel sick the potential to infect some sickness through this,and these combine together,I probably have no chance to know somebody new in my life.This thought goes wrong?Maybe I need more courage to step out?
The next one is I'm hardly to encourage myself enough to develop my friend to boyfriend,for one reson is that I'm afraid that maybe I screw it up and finally we don't even be friend anymore,another resason is because I'm afraid to be a pure 'top' to fit in him who is a 'pure' bottom, I don't want to lose this part of me,the feminine inside of me also want to be fulfill.(yeah,I only have a close friend who is homosexual)Should I try to talk with him?Or try to throw my femninie part to close to him?
And the last and the crucial one is because I'm also in a hardship of my life,I graduate from uni this year and haven't find a job(or set up my own bussiness),makes me feels intense and not stable.But in this period I feels lonely and I'm thirst of love,a relationship to make me feels I am known by someone else,I just want have a hug when I am tired and feels bad.But I don't know what to do.Should I try to find a boyfriend before I find a job and be cool about?Delay untill I can get used a new period?
Honestly I don't really sure that is because I didn't find a job so I feels bad or because I'm lonely so I feels bad.
I'm sincerely gratitude if anyone give me some advice.

[Sam W]

Hi xiaoge, I'm glad you found us.

When it comes to more casual, sexual relationships, if that's not something that feels comfortable to you or feels like it's what you're actually looking for, then you don't have to pursue it simply because it's available. If it's more that you're interested in using those apps to find a partner but aren't sure how to navigate a casual relationship safely, this article goes into detail about how to do that: Casual...Cool? Making Choices About Casual Sex.

One additional consideration when thinking about casually dating is to think about what the risks are if doing so gets you outed as gay somehow, and whether those risks are ones you feel prepared to take and face the consequences of right now.

With your friend, is he someone you actively want to pursue a romantic relationship with? Or is it more that you feel like right now he's your only option for a partner because he's the other gay man you know?

In terms of whether you should wait to try and date until after you have a job, that's one of those things that's entirely up to you. Some people might feel like they want to focus on finding a job before putting energy towards finding a partner, or only HAVE the energy to do one of those things and prioritize the one that means they can pay their bills. Others might decide they have the time and energy to pursue both at the same time. Does that make sense?

[xiaoge]

Hi,Sam.I'm glad that you reply me with patience.

I already read your reply and the link,But I still not sure if I could enjoy casual sex because I never try it,should I try it for the sake of know am I cool toward it?

I don't really afraid of be outed as a gay to someone new,because I don't feels bad about my identity,but afraid of coming out to my parents because they seems homophobic.In other words,the only objective factor to hinder me to casual sex is infection,and the inner factors are not sure am I nice to casual sex and not sure such casual sex can reach my need(to love someone and be loved).Could you please give me some advice?

My friend,I used to love him,and he did so I guess,because he gave me some signs.But I don't love him such like the past,our life is far apart now,but I believe that minimal sparks can ignite it,hence that I see him someone special,I don't want to disrupt the tender balance we are.And other factor block me is he is 'bottom' and I am 'versatile',I wish someone is 'versatile' too.Is this identity norm bad or limiting too much in your point of view?

I think I understand the 'job' problem,thank you so much.

[Latha]

Hi there, Xiaoge.

Am I correct in understanding that you are concerned about the chance of receiving an STI (sexually transmitted infection) if you have casual sex? There are steps you can take to reduce such risks and keep yourself safe, like using condoms and making sure both you and anyone you have sex with have taken STI tests recently. But I'm afraid casual sexual relationships may not meet your need to love and be loved. To be sure, there can and should be an element of care in these relationships. But they are usually focused on the goal of having sex, and the love you want may require more time and commitment.

So, the question is, are you interested in having sex with someone? Would you be happy having sex with someone you are not romantically involved with?

I don't think it is bad for you to be versatile, nor do I think that you are limiting yourself by wanting a partner who is versatile too. You may have limited options because of the circumstances that you're in, but that isn't your fault. About your relationship with your friend: if he only wants to bottom, and if you would prefer a versatile partner, you may not be compatible.

Does this make sense?

[xiaoge]

Thank you for your answer and patience,Latha.

Yes,I am concern about the posibility of reciving an STI.And I knew that there are so many way to reduce risks,thank you for explain it,but still,it's reduce,not prevent,I still concern about my safety,Is that an phobic?

If someone fit in my taste,I would like to try to have sex with someone not in romance relationship when it's safe enough.But I still not pretty much sure for that because I never tried it before.And I still have this question:Is it nessary to try casual sex for the sake of explore my comfort zone?

I think I understand the 'identity' problem,thank you so much.

[Willa]

Hi Xiaoge,

That is true, it is healthy to have an understanding before engaging in sexual activity with another person that there is always some level of risk involved. Is there anything that would make you more comfortable with the idea? It is ultimately a personal decision but the best way to start is to be educated. I can provide one source to look over that discusses different levels of sti risks: https://www.scarleteen.com/article/bodi ... _sex_howto

Casual sex can be a good way to explore one's sexuality and preferences, but it is not for everyone. Casual sex can be great to explore physical aspects of one's sexuality, but there is also the understanding that while every sexual partner owes you kindness and respect there most likely will not be the romantic or loving aspect you are interested in. You can also explore your comfort zone through more romantic dating, whether that is using the app you were speaking of or not. Here you can build a relationship with someone before deciding if you want to be physical in your relationship. It is all about weighing your own boundaries and how to best meet your own needs within those boundaries.