Overcoming feelings of sexual shame

[Shamed]

I'm not entirely new here, but I would like to start over in a way by spending some talking about the topic that really brought me here in the first place, overcoming feelings of sexual shame. I think this is also a topic that could benefit others here, as I know I'm not alone in these feelings, even if the feelings themselves can sometimes be lonely.

I'll try to keep this rather short, but basically these feelings stem from my religious upbringing and for being caught and shamed by mother (a good mom in every other way) as a child for masturbating. My religious upbringing also taught me that other forms of sexual expression, such as premarital sex, sex between two men or two women, and the enjoyment of sexual media were all sins.

While I've since made an intellectual decision not to believe this is true, it's sometimes hard to reconcile the intellectual decision with the emotional feelings that can come up from time to time. This can especially be true right after masturbating, but it can also be true at other times as well. This has left me feeling a need for reassurance, validation, and even encouragement for any sexual activity (even specific activities, like the way I choose to touch or stimulate myself or what feels good) I choose to engage in. While that's just masturbation and the enjoyment of sexual media right now, I'd like to feel comfortable exploring sex and pleasure with a patient and loving significant other when the right time comes.

I've definitely made some improvements in this area, but I'm not completely there yet. So, would you be willing to talk me through this? Maybe offer me some reassurance, validation, and encouragement, as that definitely helps, but also suggest some specific things I can do, when I'm masturbating and when I'm not, to help myself move on from this need for validation so I can just enjoy myself? Of course, you're the experts, so any other advice you have is certainly appreciated. Thank you in advance for your help.

[Willa]

Hi Shamed,

I'm sorry you experienced this messaging when you were younger. While it can be very difficult to undo the stigma placed by society's prejudices, it is important to remember masturbation is a normal and healthy part of life. The first source I am going to give you to look over is https://www.scarleteen.com/article/poli ... xual_shame. This source gives some steps to start to work through these negative feelings about sex and sexuality. Another source I think that may be helpful to you is https://www.scarleteen.com/article/poli ... s_selfcare. This source discusses more the struggles of dealing with being taught masturbation specifically is sinful. Hopefully these sources can give you some of the reassurance you are looking for.

[Shamed]

Thank you for the two articles. I read both of them twice several days apart. I could especially identify with the author of the first one, and I really liked her suggestion to actually write down sex positive messages, including things I like about my sexuality, and to read them back to myself anytime those feelings of sexual shame start to creep in. I have been doing this now for a week, and it has definitely been helpful.

I had originally hoped that there would be some magic words of reassurance that would make my feelings of sexual shame suddenly and permanently go away, but I realize now that it's something that will take some time and effort, and I'm willing to do it.

Out of curiosity, though, how long does this kind of thing usually take? A few months? A year or more? I'm sure everyone's a little different, but it would be nice to have something like an average timeframe for how long the process takes.

I was also wondering, one of the authors said that she believes that God strongly approves of life giving pleasure. (Though masturbation isn't life giving, so I'm not a hundred percent sure what she meant by that.) Do you think it would be helpful for me to think that the pleasure I feel when masturbating could be proof that God approves of it? I know not everything in life that feels good is necessarily good for us, but could I be right to think of masturbation in this way?

Do you have any other tips or suggestions for me as I go through this process? I'm open to any ideas.

PS. Out of curiosity, why do you think feelings of shame tend to creep in right before, during, or after an orgasm, when the feelings of pleasure are the greatest? I would think these thoughts would come earlier than that (like when I want to masturbate or when I start masturbating) or later, after the pleasure has gone away. (Though I sometimes get feelings of shame at those times too, especially after I'm done masturbating. They're just much less intense than they used to be.) Those feelings can be a distraction, and sometimes at the most inconvenient moments. I assume it's something that other people have experienced too. If you have any tips or suggestions about this as well, in addition to what I'm already doing, that'd certainly be appreciated.

[Sofi]

I really don't think we can give you an average time frame because like you said it's different for everyone, and we would just be either setting you up for disappointment or making you rush the process.

Yes, you can think of it that way if it helps. We don't really share our personal religious beliefs here, but I don't think it's right or wrong to think of masturbation in the way you described.

It makes sense that those feelings creep in right around the time of orgasm. That's kind of the peak of pleasure, which is what the shame is around, so it shows up the strongest then. A really good tip on the first article we sent you is to pair sexual experiences that bring you shame with a feel-good activity, such as exercise or any other physical activity, making art, taking a long drive, a hot shower, making or eating a good meal, etc. Anything (non-sexual) that brings you enjoyment. You can do it right after you've felt those feelings of shame, and it will train your brain to associate masturbation with overall enjoyment and pleasure rather than just shame.

[Shamed]

Ok, I'll do that too. Well, I think you all have given me all the good advice you realistically can, and now the rest is up to me. I'll keep working at it and I'm sure those negative messages I grew up with that have definitely lessened but still come and go will eventually disappear with time. Thank you, and take care.