Scarleteen

Hello,
So for a bit of background Sexual Orientation wise I initially came or as Toric with is a Nonbinary person attracted to Men/Masc Individuals however after a bit of time realized that that was not quite it and currently identify as sexually fluid and eventually plan on coming out as Omnisexual but would like to find a way to confirm that that is what I am before conform that that is what I am before coming out as if feel that I came out as Toric a bit too soon. As implied by my previous post I feel that I have masturbated enough to know that I am not Asexual and I am not a Lesbian. At this Point honestly feel that Sexual Orientation is an overrated topic and somewhat feel that by labeling myself as Omni that I am giving in to that even if Omni truly is the right label for me. Gender has always been much more simple for me because I have known in my heart since I was 5 that I am a Girl and currently use the label Demigirl, but sexuality on the other hand has not. I know that I prefer the label Omni because I feel attracted to all genders in varying degrees but not gender blind. I also am wondering on good ways to learn more about my orientation without being in a relationship as this past Fall/Winter I fixated on being in a relationship and have been told even by other Trans and Genderqueer people that I try too hard when it comes to starting a relationship.

Thank You,
Nat
(She/They)

Hi Nat!

You know, there is nothing wrong with changing the words you use to describe your orientation or coming out multiple times. You can change the labels you use as many times as you want in your life. You don't have any obligation to find one word and stick to it. You can also use more than one term to talk about your sexuality.

I think you're already trying some great ways to learn about your orientation- trying out different labels is one, so is considering the kinds of people you feel attracted to. I would like to say that you don't have a time limit for understanding your sexual orientation or choosing a label. As you experience life, you may learn things about yourself that will make answering these questions easier. And if you feel like labeling your sexual orientation is overrated, you don't have to do it now, or ever.

What do you think of this? Would you like to talk a little more about why you fixated on being in a relationship?

Hello Latha Thank You for Your Response,
So I feel like the reason why I became fixated on being in a relationship is that in the Media Transfems are portrayed to not have good love stories and I feel that reading Heartstopper books and watching the show, added onto my fixation. As to why I feel that Sexual Orientation is Overrated is that I have noticed that recently many people in a lot of cases AFABs have come out as things like Genderfluid Pansexual or Agender Bisexual without appearing to have given it much thought and my School has a GSA club that is made up of people like this that seem to think that their experience deserves more attention than mine. So I feel that as an AMAB Demigirl that has definitely given this a lot of thought that coming out as Omni would add onto this even if that is truly the label that is correct for me. I hope that this clarifies things.



Thank You,
Nat
(She/They)

Hi Nat,

Can you say a little more about why the lack of happy relationships for trans feminine people in media lead to you feeling like you, personally, need to have a relationship of your own right this second?

As far as sexual orientation goes, a rule I find helpful is to not assume you know the amount of thought someone else did or didn't put into choosing a word to describe their sexual orientation. Among other things, it can easily breed frustration or annoyance where there doesn't need to be any; we each have a different journey to understanding our sexual orientation. Too, some people do genuinely come to understand their sexual orientation pretty quickly, so what can seem like them coming too it with no thought is just them coming to it with the short amount of thought it ended up needing for them.

That doesn't mean dynamics around sexual orientation can't create annoying situations. With the GSA, do you feel like your own experiences have been downplayed or dismissed by people in it? Or is it more that they really, really want to talk about their own identities?

I also suspect part of what you're noticing with sexual orientation feeling overrated is that you're interacting with or hearing from people for whom it's a really important or influential part of their identity right now. Depending on our circumstances, where we are in the course of our life, or even just the location we're in at that specific moment, different parts of our identity tend to feel more or less important to us or relevant to our daily lives; for you, it sounds like gender has been that. For others, it's sexual orientation, for someone else it might be their disability status, and so on.

Too, if you don't find the hyper-specific language of sexual orientation helpful or relevant to you, but you still want a way to signal that your sexual orientation definitely isn't straight, this can be a time where "queer" as a descriptor can be really helpful (it's part of why I use it for myself, though I know it isn't a term that resonates with everybody).

If you're still looking for ways to learn about what your sexual orientation might be without having sex or a relationship, I really like the questions posed in the "how do you know" section of this article: The Rainbow Connection: Orientation for Everyone

Hello there Sam,
So since you were asking about my School GSA, yes I do feel like my experiences have somewhat been dismissed by other GSA members. Their is this one member in particular who is AFAB Nonbinary and Xe has the tenancy to steal the show and in GSA and in other clubs too has has excluded me because I don’t fit in to xyr Lesbian Group. As far as the media having an impact on my relationship fixation, it honestly felt like everyone else except Transfeminine people can experience romantic happiness, having a Transmasculine cousin who was in a polyamorous quad relationship wasn’t helping things either. Since I know that you suggested that I use the term Queer I want to say that I prefer the term Fluid as I feel that Queer is sometimes overused and I have been using Fluid in the same nondescript way. I honestly do feel that I am Omni, however like I said gender is and always has been the most important thing and I feel that I am Transfem first Omnisexual second. I did formerly use the term Queer when I identified as Toric as very few people know what Toric means.


Thank You,
Nat
(She/They)

I'm glad that using either fluid or omni works for you when it comes to describing your sexual orientation! Something I'll add is that, as you've noticed, how we describe our orientation is a little context dependent (including whether we think the person we're talking to will know a particular term), and you wouldn't be the first person whose description of their orientation is something like "I'm Omni, but honestly sexuality has always felt less salient than gender to me." Too, I've also found that when you're not in online spaces where there's an expectation of cramming all your identities into a bio, or very insular/cliquey queer spaces, there's a lot less expectation that someone be able to give an exact name to their sexual orientation.

I hear you on the fact that there aren't a ton of representations of trans feminine folks in happy relationships (though I know a number of them who are in them in real life; yet another way in which a lot of media isn't great at capturing the breadth of trans experiences). If it would be helpful, I could grab some recommendations for media that does include representations of those things.

I'm sorry that this person in your GSA is excluding you and dismissing your experiences. Sadly, queer spaces aren't immune to having people who want to be the center of attention at all times or who feel like they get to gatekeep. It also sounds like the irony of being nonbinary and deciding that another person should be excluded for not meeting their expectations for a given identity is entirely lost on them.

Hello Again Sam,
Thank You for your response, the experience I have had with this person in the GSA is unfortunately the experience that I have had with a lot of AFAB genderqueer/nonbinary people, the only 2 people in this category that have been on my side the whole time are an ex teacher of mine and a Friend I made at a seasonal job. It also would help if you could point me to some media that portrays positive MTF relationships, as far as Heartstopper goes I was really triggered by Elle and Tao being Intimate in volume 5 as I felt that it was a very unrealistic portrayal. Something that I think might help me confirm my orientation is buying Omni Pride gear and seeing how it feels.


Thank You,
Nat
(She/They)

Hey Sam,
Can you please respond to this?

Thank You

Hi Nat,

Sam is not on a shift today but I’ll leave her a note so she will get back to you when she can.

Hi Demigirl,

I'm happy to provide some starting places for those books! A few I like personally include the LumberJanes series, "Redefining Realness" (which is non-fiction but her romantic relationship is a happy one), and "Stage Dreams" by Melanie Gilman.

This list from Autostraddle also has some good options in terms of stories that are specifically focused on romance: https://www.autostraddle.com/eight-roma ... s-authors/,

Thank You Sam.

You're welcome!