I am 23 and I haven't had any crushes yet

[Transman]

So...in highschool I was seen as a girl and people constantly asked me who I was crushing on or in love with and they never believed me when I said no-one. And back then I figured, y'know, I am just a late-bloomer. My parents were late too. But now I am 23 and...I should've had a crush by now. Heck, my parents had practically started a family by then. And whenever I like a actor or actress, my parents (well, mostly my mom) think its a crush, when really the closest I come to crushing is thinking 'I would pay to hear them read the phonebook' which...might simply be a testament to those actors' skill. Should I just resign myself to never fall in love or want sex, ever?

[Sam W]

Hi Transman,

There are a few different things that could be at play here. One could be that, as cliche as it is, you haven't encountered someone who sets off that kind of attraction in you; part of the reason people can have such wildly different timelines when it comes to dating is because dating requires you to find someone you're attracted to who is also attracted to you. Sometimes, if we haven't had huge circles of our peers to be in, we might not have been exposed to all that many people. Or we might only experience attraction under a super-specific set of circumstances.

In that vein, have you done any reading or research into asexual (including demisexual) or aromantic identities? If so, do you feel like one or both of those matches with your own experiences?

Too, it sounds like for at least part of the time you've been asked about crushes, it was tied to people assuming you were a girl and functionally casting you in the role of the girl when they were asking you about it. Do you feel like dysphoria, or even just not being sure how you being trans would be received, ever comes when you think about whether or not you have a crush on someone?

[Transman]

It could indeed be a lack of peers. I don't know many people and I am socially awkward, so I don't meet any compatible people. Though most people would've celeb crushes, wouldn't they?

I have done some reading and I really hope I am not aro/ace tbh, no offense to aro or aces reading this. And yes, dysphoria could be a factor, actually. The people who really liked me met me when I was still seen as a girl, if I remember correctly. They've been cool but I can't shake the feeling they still see me as a girl/woman (well, one is my ex and he def saw me as a girl. He started laughing when two men kissed - and it wasn't in a funny situation - on the telly while simultaneously expressing desire for us to do similar things someday). With new people I can't assume they see a man, and if they do I couldn't assume that they would be okay with me being trans. That's less of a problem on dating apps, of course, but I haven't found anyone through there. Soo... does that mean I've just not met the right person yet?

[Sam W]

People do usually have celebrity crushes now and then, even if they haven't met someone in real life who inspires those same emotions. But at the same time, attraction is an odd beast, and for some of us it just happens less frequently than for others.

It does sound like dysphoria is in the mix here; plenty of trans folks express that prior to transitioning or being consistently read is the correct gender, things like attraction or a desire for a relationship felt more fraught, for many of the same reasons you mention. Being anxious, whether that's about a person seeing us as we are or how they'll REACT to seeing us as we are, can really put the brakes on any of the emotions involved in attraction. So it may be that the more you're consistently able to be out as and treated as a guy, the more you might notice yourself being interested in people.

Dating apps are for sure a good way to weed out some of those issues. Being in a place with your body and gender presentation feel right to you can also help as well. Are you able to just be out and be read as a guy? Or are there things you'd like to be doing as part of your gender presentation that you haven't been able to do yet?

I do think it's worth reflecting on why the potential of being aro/ace isn't something you want. Is it that you know you do want sex and romance, even if that's more in the abstract right now than having to do with a real person? Or is it something else?

[Transman]

Well, I am not consistently gendered correctly and I am not on T yet, so maybe that's holding me back?

RE: the aro/ace thing. At risk of being profoundly insulting without meaning to...I would hate to be alone the rest of my life, missing out on experiences most people have. People devote their life to pursuing it, and it seems to add something that can't be found anywhere else. I think I'd want that experience, both sex and romance... but I am not sure if that means I want it or if I feel I should want it. It's also possible that I have had crushes that I just didn't recognize as crushes. What does a crush feel like? I mean, outside of romance novels and YA nobody describes it and I've read that those are not exactly reliable sources for what it's actually like.

[Willa]

Hi Transman,

Touching on what Sam was discussing being comfortable and confident can definitely affect how we see ourselves and our openness to thinks such as crushes, attraction, or relationships. While no one needs to have these things figured out to seek out relationships, sometimes investing in yourself first is step to feeling more comfortable. Is T something you are looking to explore?

One thing that can be useful when understanding aro/ace identities is also they, like all identities, exist in a spectrum. So just because you identify with one identity or the other does not mean you will never experience the things you are listing. Asexual people sometimes can chose to engage in sex and aromantic people sometimes chose to engage in devoted partnerships, it is all very individual. Labels can help us describe how we feel and relate to others, even if it is temporarily or only partly true to our experiences. However only you can determine if these labels feel right for you, but learning more about different experiences is always a great place to start.

Crushes are also another thing that is different for everyone! The way it is depicted in media can often feel very different to how they feel to the individual person. Crushes can mean the butterflies in your stomach or nervousness when someone is around, or an admiration for a person and their qualities and a desire to be around them. Even people who have crushes often can be confused about their feelings. Does this all make sense?