For some context I don’t have any romantic or sexual history at all because I have a really bad track record with relationships. Once things start getting serious (it’s kind of established that we both like each other and starts moving towards more intimacy), I get extremely uncomfortable and repulsed and fearful (almost to the point of being angry with the other person). I feel upset like they’re violating my boundaries though that doesn’t really make sense? Any attraction that I have goes away and I have the illogical urge to sabotage the relationship by creating distance. But then I will like the person again once I have distance? This always makes me feel super heartbroken because I don’t know what I want or how to fix this! I have just been avoiding the relationship game all together for the past few years since it’s not fair to the other person and just leave me feeling sad and confused.
So current problem:
Normally, I live alone but recently I have been on an extended visit with my parents and staying in my old room. I’ve heard that it’s maybe good -in order to become comfortable with your sexuality- to masturbate? (like even typing this makes me so embarrassed
She definitely told my dad and now he’s acting weird around me too.
Whenever I’m doing work or a hobby in a room alone, they’ll walk past and close the door, or if they sit down on a couch that I’ve been on, they’ll put a blanket down before taking a seat, etc. It’s been a week and now my mom is says that something in the house smells super bad and she has all the windows open (I did it once in my room only). Not to mention that neither of them have said a single thing about it other than my mom mentioning my room smelling strange the one day. I’m going insane.
Like I understand maybe it was inconsiderate to do this in their house but swear I only did it once and I didn’t even take my underwear off and I took a shower right after? I’m like so mortified and embarrassed and I feel so dirty and so ashamed. I feel so bad for messing up their space.
Now I’m super paranoid and feel like I smell bad or something even though I thought I was super contentious about my personal hygiene.
Is this normal??
Sorry for the rant. I guess I have wanted to be able to move past this hangup
I have surrounding intimacy and whatnot and learn to appreciate my body for a while now. And I think my first time going about this intentionally didn’t go so well. So I think I’m just looking for advice.
Thank u sm!