Scarleteen

I matched with this boy on an app. We texted back and forth and sent pictures (regular selfies, not nudes.) He seemed pretty nice and was good looking too.
A couple of days ago we decided to meet up. Now what happened after that was super confusing and horrible.
It turned out he looked nothing like his pictures. He may as well have been a different person. I don't think he really was a different person, more like he took the pictures when he was much younger. I'm a legal adult, but I want to date in my own age range. I wanted to leave immediately, but I told myself to give him a chance. Also, he'd seen me, and I didn't know how to leave.
It was okay at first. We were walking hand in hand (which I was okay with), until suddenly he tried to kiss me. I hadn't realised that's what he wanted and poked him in the eye by mistake. That made him go all angry and silent, and I was afraid. I said laughing (but serious) "please tell me if you want to kiss me."
A bit later, he said, "can I kiss you?"
I did not want him to kiss me. That was the absolute last thing I wanted. But I said "yes." I was so afraid. It was like I could not physically say the word no.
So he did kiss me. And right then I went into a seizure - the absence kind where I go all vacant and spacey but others can't really tell. I am conscious but paralysed through mine, so I could feel everything but could do absolutely nothing.
It wasn't his fault though. I know he had no idea.
Later he kept trying to arrange me, pulling me closer, touching my face and kissing my head. I wanted to claw out of my skin. His hands on me felt like the time I touched the coffee pot and had to go to hospital.
Again, he had no idea. I smiled and laughed throughout. I didn't say no to any of it. I couldn't. I don't know how to say no. Is this going to be my life?

Hi Whispermae,

I'm so sorry this guy was not only dishonest with you, but that you didn't feel safe during the interaction. You mention he had no idea due to you smiling and saying yes, but does your body language or movement change at all?

I promise that this doesn't have to be how these interactions always go for you; saying no, holding boundaries, and leaving interactions where we don't feel safe are all things we can learn how to do. I know you've spoken before about having a trauma history and C-PTSD, and those kinds of things can absolutely make the process of saying no or getting out of a situation that doesn't feel safe much harder. Would it be helpful to talk about some starting places for learning and practicing saying "no?" Or to talk about what to do if you end up in a similar situation to this one in the future?

Hi Sam,

It hurts so much to stay in my body, I am so rarely touched with affection, that any sort of touch seems okay. He tried to part my legs and lick my mouth. I went on autopilot, kissed him back and flew away inside my head. It felt like drowning and burning all at the same time.
I think it maybe comes from the fact that I haven't been touched safely in a very long time.

Hi Whispermae,

I am so sorry you have been dealing with this. It is so difficult when we feel like we don't know how or are unable to set these boundaries, but you deserve to have touch and interaction that is pleasurable, safe, and consensual. We are here to discuss ways to keep you safe in future encounters. Does that sound like something you are interested in?

I can add some links here that I think could be helpful for you to start looking at. The first talks about some rules of consent and talks about the truth behind myths about consent. The second is some more concrete advice for building up the ability to advocate for yourself and set firm boundaries. Circling back to what Sam touched on, is there a particular scenario or starting place that would be most helpful to you going forward you would like to discuss?

https://www.scarleteen.com/read/sex-sex ... ng-consent
https://www.scarleteen.com/read/be-your ... -ourselves