Scarleteen

Hi,
Apologies for this being a long post, this situation has evolved over around a year and has connections to basically every part of my life.

I have 2 (maybe 3) close friends. For the sake of privacy, I’ll call the one I’m talking about in this post A.
I’ve known A for about a year at this point. When our friendship started, we talked a lot, maybe twice a week on voice calls, and also talked in school.
For a lot of the time I’ve known A, they haven’t been doing great, with various mental health problems, burnout, other friends that have problems, etc. Because I didn’t (and still don’t) feel comfortable asserting my own problems and seeking help from A, we mostly focused on their problems. To be clear, I had a variety of mental health issues as well at the same time, but our conversations focused on them.
Leading up to now, there was a long, maybe 2 or 3 months period where we didn’t talk at all because I was so anxious and they didn’t reach out for a while. When they finally did reach out, I asked them how they were doing and they said that they are doing well.
To complicate things, I have a huge romantic crush on A, which they are aware of but don’t have those feelings. This crush is also related to me wanting to escape from my current life (stuck in a stressful household in an unwalkable area in a house that’s been broken into and harbored many traumas).
Currently, I only talk to A at school, as for various reasons there is no other time/way of talking that seems to work.
This situation feels especially distressing because aside from my other close friend(s) (who I feel less open with) and my therapist, A is the only person I feel particularly comfortable talking about my emotions with. One of my parents has left the house for reasons I don’t think I should mention, and the other is doing their best but i still don’t feel comfortable.
I’m autistic, and it feels like if I go a day or so without good human connection, I suffer tremendously. This feels really complicated because I know I need to and want to respect boundaries and energy levels, but it feels awful when I don’t talk to people.

I hope this post makes any sort of sense, and that people might have some ideas or thoughts. To be honest, part of this is just me seeking human connection through this forum, but I genuinely want to hear what you folks have to say.

- AQ (she/her)

Hi AQ,

it’s nice to see you again (and it’s absolutely okay to post here just for the sake of connection!).

I’m sorry you are stuck in a place where you don’t feel safe, that sounds really stressful. I also know how difficult it can be to feel disconnected from your close friend, who is almost the only one you feel somewhat comfortable being vulnerable with, and who you have crush on, to boot (I was in a very similar position not so long ago, if it helps to hear).

What do you think would be the most helpful for you at the moment?

Would you like to change your relationship with A so you would feel more comfortable in it?
if you, here are some questions you can try asking yourself, or write your answers here if you feel comfortable doing so:

• What do you need from that relationship: having more space to talk about your feelings and struggles, spending more time together, checking in more often with each other...?
• Does it feel realistic that A and your relationship could meets these needs?
• Is the friendship, including the crush, making you happy?

Or do you think strengthening relationships and finding ways to connect with other people in your life, or finding new friends would be more helpful?

Hi, thanks for the thoughts.

I’m going to see A tomorrow, so hopefully we’ll be able to talk.
I think my main worry is that they’ll think I’m punishing them in some way if I end the friendship. I’m also really scared of loss in general, and ending this friendship feels like it would be a big loss. Related to the above, I’m worried that if I do end our friendship, I might lose them as a possible friend forever. I feel like I could approach this gently, but I’m scared that I might mess it up (and how can a breakup* go well?).
I know, of course, that I can’t control and eliminate every risk, but I really wish I could.

* I’m using this to mean the end of a relationship, not that our relationship is platonic.

I’ll probably be back with news tomorrow,
- AQ

Hi AQ,

just wanted to let you know that if you want to talk about how it went or anything else, we are here for you.

Hi Andy,

Thank you, I wasn’t on yesterday because I saw A but didn’t really talk to them. I spent the entire class worrying/being sad about the situation, and an opportunity to talk never came up.

- AQ