Scarleteen

Hi, I am really sorry to take up space here because I'm almost 38, but I saw some tumblr posts from these people and was hoping someone here could point me to similar resources for older trans people. I'm a trans man and I am really struggling right now. I know I'm gay but I only have experience being with one person ages ago. I would like to explore more, but I am really anxious about being so old with virtually no experience. On top of that I pass extremely well - until people learn I haven't had any surgery, which just complicates this more. I have never met anyone like me. Even the trans men I've met over 30 are married to women or mostly have experience with them, or they experimented and figured a lot out as young people. I don't know anyone else who is my age with this little to go on. I have an idea of things I would be open to trying with someone but are there resources about how to find and approach people my age and explaining to them what's up with my body and disclosing my lack of experience? I don't think I'm ready to get into a relationship either because I don't really have a good idea of what I would need from it yet. I just want to figure more of myself out but I have a lot of confusion and shame and not a lot of resources. I'm sorry for posting here, I was just hoping some resource for people like me existed and maybe someone would know about it. Thanks.

Hi LostInTheSoup,

I can certainly point you towards some potential resources! Too, I think that while being trans AND being relatively inexperienced with dating can make for a certain kind of tricky combination, a lot of the information out there about approaching sex and dating with limited experience will still probably be relevant to you. So it might be worth hunting for some of that and figuring out where your trans identity will and won't change the advice.

I'd also recommend checking out Dr. Nerdlove; I know he's more than once tackled advice from readers who are trying to navigating sex and dating in their 30s and 40s. You could also check out Trans Bodies, Trans Selves, as it addresses dating and sex. Too, have you had any luck exploring trans spaces on reddit? That's often a space where subreddits can get specific enough that you might be able to find ones where there are trans people closer your age who have similar experiences.

I so also want to give you a piece of advice that I think is relevant regardless of age; while experience can certainly help us be more confident navigating sex and dating, the lack of it isn't quite the barrier it's often presented as. And lacking it can usually be helped by being honest and doing your best to communicate openly. After all, the right partners for us, even casual ones, will be ones who are excited to be with the person we are now, and whatever level of experience we bring to the interaction.