Feeling insecure about attractiveness

[Asking Queries]

(This post talks about dysphoria, I hope that’s ok/content warning)

Hi,

I feel like I’m physically unattractive to people who are attracted to feminine people, mainly because I’m a trans girl and have a lot of dysphoria.
No one’s ever asked me out or said that I’m pretty to them — to be clear, I don’t think people “have it out for me” or dislike me, it just hasn’t happened yet. However, because of this, I keep having these thoughts of “what if I didn’t have facial hair” “what if I had a lower voice”, etc. This feels especially painful with my really big crush (currently only 1, but knowing me that will change…), where I keep wondering if they’d be attracted to me if I was different.
I’m starting estrogen soon, which I’m excited for, but it won’t entirely stop hair or make my voice higher (which are, ironically/painfully, my most dysphoric things.)

I guess I’m just wondering if people have ideas for how to deal with these thoughts.

- AQ

[Latha]

Hi there, Asking Queries! Don't worry, you can talk about dysphoria. Thanks for the content warning though, it may help someone who needs it.

I understand how it would be hard to fight these sorts of thoughts if you don't feel like you have any actual evidence that people are attracted to you. You know how you want to look, and how you want other people to see you. Especially now that you're interested in someone, I see how it is hard not to ask those painful 'what if' questions. Would you tell us more about this crush? Have they told you that they are not attracted to you?

Having a low voice or having facial hair does not make you any less of a girl, though I get why it might not feel good. I'm sure you know that there are some ways address this kind of dysphoria- through things like voice training and various kinds of hair removal. If you want, we can help you think through such options.

[Asking Queries]

Hi,

I’ve had a crush on this person for a while (maybe a year now). I told them about it maybe 6 months ago — they weren’t interested, although they didn’t say why specifically (I think they might have said that they don’t have a crush on me, but I don’t remember). They did not say explicitly that I’m not attractive to them (although that seems implied).

I think I’m already planning on facial hair removal/vocal training, so I don’t think I need to discuss it. I am curious what people’s experience with vocal training is, especially in increases of range (high pitch specifically).

- AQ

[Andy]

Hi there AQ,

It’s great to hear that you have plans for things that can help you feel better about yourself! I don’t have experience with neither of those so hopefully someone else will jump in. We also have an interview with a vocal therapists with a bunch of related links and resources at the end of it if you would like to give it a read: https://www.scarleteen.com/article/bodi ... raffirming

About the crush, it can be really painful when our feeling are reciprocated, but I would like to challenge the idea that you not being attractive to them is automatically implied. There are a lot of reasons why someone decides not to pursue an relationship and not feeling physical attraction towards the person is just one of them. But in the end, what one person might think about you in one moment in their life says nothing about who you are, period.

Are there some things/clothes/activities etc. that generally help you feel better about your body or even gender euphoric? Sometimes even when there are things in our lives or bodies we don’t have control of yet that make us feel crummy, doing other things that make us feel good can help reduce the bad feelings or at least help us forget about them for a while.

[Asking Queries]

Hi Andy,

Thanks for the article, I’ll take a look at it.

Hmm, thank you for saying that. I think part of the problem might be that it feels like people don’t find me attractive, although I haven’t exactly gone and surveyed them. This specific person I had a crush on (which is friend A in my previous post, for those reading what is becoming the AQ life saga…) is asexual aromantic, so I didn’t particularly think, at least intellectually, that they would be interested. It definitely hurt when they weren’t though.

I don’t experience a lot of gender euphoria, although I’m not sure whether that’s because I can’t (it just doesn’t happen for me) or simply haven’t yet. Probably the closest I get is wearing skirts or talking to a bunch of girls about girl stuff. Unfortunately, I’m not out at home to my brother and grandmother, so I have to hide stuff. I also find that singing in a deep voice (Tennessee Ernie Ford is a good example) is euphoric for some reason, although I’m not sure why.
A lot of sports feel dysphoric to me, mainly because they feel masculine. I do like rock climbing though, and that feels neutral gender feelings wise.

- AQ

[Andy]

Hi again!

You know, I don’t even have to know you to be quite sure there are people that are attracted to you and that’s simply because there are so many people out there with so varying preferences. But like you said, it’s not possible to do some big survey to get some relevant answers. And, however counter-intuitive it might seem, I’m not all that sure that having those answers would be really helpful in terms of feeling better about yourself. Hearing affirmation from others can sure be nice, but when we find it hard to believe what they are saying, they will only help for a little while and then we often start wondering if they really meant it etc. So often the best way to battle insecurities is by doing things that make us feel better by ourselves. And I’m glad to hear you have some activities like that that that you enjoy! (by the way, I didn’t know Tennessee Ernie Ford so thank you for introducing me to him!).

As for the crush, it can be hard when what we "intellectually" think we should feel or expect to feel doesn’t line up with what we actually feel, but it happens sometimes and it’s okay. Let us know if there is something about the relationship you would like to talk about more, either here or in your other thread.

[Asking Queries]

Hi,

Haha, you’re now the second person I’ve introduced to Tennessee Ernie Ford.
Thanks for all the thoughts, I don’t have anything more to discuss on this specific topic. (I’m not sure what happens now, is the thread closed?)

- AQ

[Willa]

Hi Askingqueries,

If you don't have anymore questions then you don't have to respond to the thread anymore, however if something else arrises feel free to comment back on this thread or to start a new one! Have a good day!