SEXUAL SHAME IS AFFECTING MY RELATIONSHIPS

[jumbomumbo]

I grew up in a strict, highly conservative Christian house where anything sex-related was never spoken about. I didn't even know the name of my sexual organs until I was 17 in a biology book. The only thing that was said about sex was that if you had sex it will either make you pregnant or catch a sexual disease. The few times where I tried to socialize with girls my age when I was younger, I was often shamed for it by my older cousins.
This made me to feel shame around sex and interacting with women. As an adult I often struggle with expressing sexual interest in women or even having conversations in general. I find it hard to make eye-contact and most times will barely even say hello before I feel like leaving.
How can I deal with this sexual shame and begin to express myself confidently?

[Andy]

Hi there and welcome to the boards!

I’m sorry people in your life made you feel like this, living with shame around sex and relationships can be really hard, especially when it comes from people close to you like your family. I’m more than happy to talk about this with you more but first I would like to give you this article: Undoing Sexual Shame
, which offers some great steps and ideas how to overcome sexual shame. Let us know if anything there resonated with you or if you want to talk about any of this more!

[jumbomumbo]

Hi Andy,

Thanks for the resources. I guess it's something I'll have to continuously work towards. I think that cognitively I know I'm not doing anything wrong but when it comes to taking action these feelings keep on getting triggered.

[Andy]

Hi jumbomumbo,

you are right that it’s more often a long process rather than just one time revelation that would make the shame magically disappear. It might take some time to even learn what approaches and resources when are the most helpful for you and even then the feelings might still unexpectedly pop up at times. But the nice part about it being a process is that you can notice the result quite soon and it will get gradually better, even just realizing shame is the source of your discomfort and asking for support here is a big step in mine opinion. Let us know if you want to talk about this or anything else more!

[jumbomumbo]

I guess another aspect of that is I constantly feel like I have to live up to other people expectations of me regarding my sexuality. Sometimes I feel like the only way I can be as expressive as I would like is if I was in a totally foreign place for one day.
How do I deal with that?

[Sam W]

Hi jumbomumbo,

Can you say a little more about what those expectations are you feel you have to live up to? Are they tied to the shaming messages you got growing up, or to something else?

Too, when you think about being in some other place and THAT giving you the freedom to express yourself as you would like, what about being somewhere else feels like it gives you that freedom? Is it being out of reach of your family or those who judge you?