I’m probably heterosexual but…

[PomPom]

i’m heterosexual, probably, i mean, i don’t have any experience with boys or girls, but i’m probably heterosexual. but sometimes, when i see a pretty girl, or for example some girl pulls closer so i could feel her perfume, or when some girl pins me down when we’re tickling each other, i feel how my heart “skips a beat” or idk how to explain, it’s like “ah ” and then everything goes back in normal. probably i feel something similar when i see a pretty boy, but it’s not intense. also sometimes i have dreams where i kiss a girl or we hug for a looong time. i had these dreams with boys too, but dreams with girl happen more often. maybe someone can give me some advice? maybe someone felt something similar?

[KierC]

Hi there PomPom!

I think something important to mention here is that having a “set” orientation is not a requirement to move through this world. In other words, you don’t need to put words to how you feel or identify unless you want to, or those words feel right to you. Too, there are an infinite amount of ways that people can express themselves emotionally, sexually, etc. that do not lend themselves easily to a “set” orientation. Does that make sense?

Too, if there is a separate question I’ve missed, feel free to ask again! We are here to help.

[PomPom]

i know that, but it’s makes my life harder, not only it makes me really anxious and miserable at times, it’s also harder to build something more than a friendship. for example, I've been talking to the girl for some time already. and i know that i’m her type (probably) and she (probably) will make a move on me. and she’s beautiful, and she’s my type too, i mean i guess so. and i wanna try something, but i’m not sure if i’ll be able to give her the same thing she would like to give to me. i don’t want to hurt her feelings. but whenever i talk to someone about it a thought appears in my mind “i’m heterosexual” i don’t know if it’s true. because some thoughts can lie, can’t they?

[Sam W]

Hi PomPom,

Would it be helpful to focus on whether or not you want to try out this relationship if it goes in a dating direction, rather than on what this all does, or does not, mean about your sexual orientation? After all, the language we use around orientation is meant to describe our feelings and actions, rather than determine them, you know? And making choices about pursuing, or not pursuing, relationships based on how we feel about them and the other person is going to make us feel way better in the long run than trying to work out if and how a relationship might fit into our sexual orientation.

I hear you saying this is making you hesitate about potentially dating this person because you don't want to hurt her feelings if you two don't end up feeling the same way. While that's a kind impulse, the whole point of dating is figuring out if you and the other person want to be in a romantic relationship; that, by it's very nature, carries a risk of getting hurt.