Scarleteen

Hi! I'm a 17-year old non-binary person. I've identified as asexual for a couple years now, but not without questioning myself nearly every day.

The thing that bothers me is that, even though I figured out I was ace due to my lack of want for sexual interactions with others, I don't know whether or not I would want something like that in the first place because my mind refuses to let me fantasize about other people. Even with someone, say my girlfriend, who has said that they're fine with me fantasizing about her in a sexual manner, I can't do it. When I try to think about sex-related stuff about her, the fantasy or thought just gets shut down immediately, like switching off a television. There's also some part of revulsion that comes with it, although much less with her, since she has said it is okay to do. I want to figure out what things that are sex-related that I am okay with, since I have a lot of other aspects of what some might consider a sexual nature (ability to masturbate and get turned on, as well as fantasizing about people who are not me and do not exist in real life) but I run into this mental roadblock every single time despite my wish to explore it.

I was an evangelical christian growing up, and although I didn't get a lot of messages against sex, I'm wondering if the reason I cannot fantasize about real people in order to explore things is because of repression caused by my religious focus. A large mental aspect with me and people who have not consented to being fantasized about is that any modicum of physical attraction to them is "disrespectful" even though I know they will never know. I specifically remember blushing at some picture my friend had sent me that showed off their body in a way that made me feel weird, and then immediately feeling like I was a horrible awful person. Same goes for nearly anyone I have a crush on or am trying to mentally experiment with. The fact that I seem to be allo in nearly every other aspect except for my ability to fantasize about other people irl and my revulsion to sex has bothered me for a while, and I'm not sure how to resolve it. has anyone else had a similar situation?... how did you work things out?

Hi Mothical2849,

Thank you for sharing your experiences with us. Working through how our upbringings and society has shaped us can feel daunting, but it is not impossible. From what I am reading here in your post it seems as though you possibly may be holding on to some negative messaging about sex and sexuality, specifically that to view someone sexually is to degrade them. Attraction to people and thinking about them sexually is a normal and healthy aspect of life for many people. One source I can recommend that talks about these feelings is: https://www.scarleteen.com/read/feeling ... xual-shame. This can be a good place to start and see if anything here resonates with you.

Ultimately identities are personal, and no one can tell you which ones fit for you or do not. But they can also be tools, we use them when they are helpful and useful to use and let them go when they are no longer serving us. Does that all make sense?