Scarleteen

So as the title says, I am always thinking about my ex while masturbating. It makes me feel awful because we ended on pretty bad terms and I don't like to think about him at all. It's ruining the fun, comfort and general good feeling of masturbation for me. How do I stop and think about something else instead?

Hi there rainysky,

I'm sorry you've been feeling awful and that things ended on bad terms with your ex.
goes away with time

Generally, I'll say that it's totally okay to fantasize or think about anything or anyone, even if it's an ex who you otherwise wouldn't want to be with anymore, a person who has hurt you, or a person you might dislike or even hate. Our thoughts and fantasies, and the things that might turn us on in our heads, are completely separate from our behavior and actions, and it's very common to think or fantasize about something we may have no desire to actually do in real life. Moreover, our exes often tend to come to mind when we're thinking about sex or being sexual, especially if we were sexually active or attracted to them in the past, and that's totally normal. That is all to say that if something (or someone) you're thinking about is helping you feel aroused and increases the pleasure of masturbation, then that's totally okay. And usually the more time passes, the less likely it is that our exes will come to mind when masturbating. But of course, if the thought of the person is making the experience of masturbating less fun and comfortable now, then that is definitely not ideal. Oftentimes, we can't control our thoughts, but it's helpful to think of ways we might be able to redirect them or not give them too much attention.

Are there other things that you've thought of or done in the past while masturbating that you know feel good that you could try doing or thinking about next time you masturbate? And/or would you be open to exploring certain media (erotica, porn, etc.) that might help give you something else to think about while masturbating?

Also, do you feel you have been processing the breakup emotionally? Do you have space to talk about it with someone you trust, or have you been journaling, or found other ways to help you get over the breakup? Do you find yourself thinking of your ex only while masturbating, or does he come up a lot in other instances?