Questioning Sexuality

[AnneGG]

I am female. I’ve been thinking for years that I am bisexual without ever fully exploring a relationship with another woman. I have been with my male best friend for years. But once again, and not for the first time in my life by a long shot, I have feelings for a female friend. I consistently end up with feelings for women who are straight. I’m struggling at this point because I know my reasoning for never pursuing a relationship with a woman is fear. I know for a fact that I’m attracted to women. I kissed multiple girls before I ever kissed boys, and it was definitely something I was willing to explore when I was younger. The older I got, I feel the more I was afraid of what other people would say or think, and now, more afraid that I’ll find out I’m far more attracted to women than I could ever be with men and that it might blow up my current life. I’m deeply afraid of my feelings towards women at this point in my life. But I also know ignoring how I feel and continuing like this could create bigger issues down the line. Things haven’t always been a cakewalk with men either. I’ve multiple times been nauseated from being with them, and I’m not very interested in or attracted to their genitalia just really the effect of the act. I’m super confused.

[Sam W]

Hi AnneGG,

It does sound like your sexual orientation is some form of queer, though the exact term to apply is up to you and how your feelings line up with the different orientations that are out there (or if you even want to use a term at all). How you choose to describe your own feelings is entirely up to you!

I hear your expressing a lot of fear and worry about your attraction to women and what it means for your life right now. The tricky thing is, what it might mean for your life and your relationships moving forward depends a lot on how you feel about the relationship you're in now. For instance, are you happy enough in this relationship to want to stay in it, even if that meant never getting to date women? If you're sexual with your partner, are you attracted to him, or does sex with him feel unappealing or like a chore? And if we set the question of dating women aside for a moment, is this a relationship you feel excited to keep being in?