Scarleteen

So it took me until 25 and a lot of trial and error with boys I’ve dated to realize I like romance but not sex. I also at this time don’t even want to get married or even have children. I’m still working on defining a life path for myself that I actually like, and splitting off from my parents by not always catering to their needs.

But dating is hard, because most of my dates just look like 2 friends kinda hanging out together, and we help and support each other, and I think he’s so aesthetically pleasing and hot. Then he wants sex or thinks that everything before sex was just leading up to sex, and I don’t want sex. It almost makes me give up on the whole dating thing, because ultimately I don’t want a boyfriend, I want boys who are friends with me. Like deep friendship like they pick you up from the airport and bring you soup when you are sick and you attend birthdays and funerals together…but I don’t ever get that support from boys I’ve dated.

I just had a whole bunch of mental health issues for the second time in my life,(broke up with the guy I was dating before) and now I’m finally accepting myself and having confidence in myself , but this asexuality part of me, I just don’t feel support. Now I’m back at my parents house recuperating after the anxiety attacks and stress, and my parents are supportive though they don’t know about my asexuality. There’s been a lot of shame for me to get over, and I’m still getting over some of it, totally false stuff like the way I love is wrong and normal people have sex so I should have sex too, otherwise I’m broken in some way.

I just feel so lost and alone sometimes with this part of me, and I want to join LGBTQ groups around Chicago which is around where I live, but it’s hard right now because I don’t have reliable methods of transportation to get there. Also I sometimes think I’m not fully part of the community in college because you can’t see someone not having or having sex, but you can see two boys kissing so they get more harsh words and hatred then me. I’ve tried AVEN and it’s helping but I really want to be around people like me in the real world. So in the meantime, are there any shows, or books, or advice columns you can recommend, just so I feel less lonely?

Hey spottedowl!

Navigating asexuality and dating in today's world can be hard and frustrating. How are you finding dates? If you use dating apps, something I've seen and done myself has been to write that you're asexual or looking for a non-sexual relationship on your profile bio. Not everybody is going to read that and understand it, but it does open the doors to other asexual people on dating apps (they exist!). I wish I could direct you to an app specifically for asexual people but unfortunately there isn't a definitive one (yet).

I will say that you are part of the community! The A in LGBTQIA+ has always stood for asexual. I would recommend checking out the asexuality subreddit (r/asexuality), as it is an incredible resource for finding support and other asexual people who have experienced what you are experiencing now. I would also HEAVILY recommend checking out Cody Daigle-Orians's work, as he runs an advice column and has a book dedicated to giving ace advice (and it's fantastic!).

There are a lot of good resources for asexuals out there, I promise you're not alone! Please let us know if you'd like any more suggestions or need anything else!

So…I’m 85% sure I’m aromantic as well as asexual. Thinking back on it, my first “crushes” at 5 and 8, were because they helped me with a button on my dress at 5, of that I wanted to see how their hair felt like at 8. When kids on the bus used to tease me in a good natured way about how my “relationship” was going-I always got confused and was like “we are just friends?”

I don’t seem to make a distinction between best friend and boyfriend, which bothers some people. They are like “what do you want to do with that’s special with me”, and I’m like “um nothing really, nothing that I wouldn’t do with any of my friends.”

At first I thought this was just my perfectionism, like I have to treat all my friends the same way, and spend equal amounts of time with them so nobody feels left out. But when I give myself permission to think about other options, loving and paying attention to my friends is still on the top of the list.

Then I thought it was my mom’s reluctance to let me date or have sex until college. But 5 years of college later, I still want to be super close special friends with boys, and not date them.
Plus there’s that amazing sense of relief and freedom, when I accept the facts. I’m not perfect , I don’t have to have sex, and I can just be content with friends who are boys, I don’t have to push myself into a romantic relationship that I don’t want. Any specific aro ace resources?

I should clarify that the other guy I was dating in college, I was running our relationship like a queer platonic one and he wanted more “romance”, special things that I do only with him, more cuddling, more “feeling special as compared to my or his other friends”. Then he went back to his home country, and I missed him as a friend, because before and while we were friends, before it got to the boyfriend stage, I was aesthetically and maybe sensually attracted to him. Basically I was like “I’ve hit the jackpot, new best friend for life!” And he was trying to turn it into a romantic relationship because that’s what he wanted, and I guess it took him going home for me to really self reflect and realize that I really only wanted him as a friend.

Today I just typed in “aromantic love stories” in my browser and the first thing that came up was one of the aromantic visibility sites hosting an essay on a fellow aromantic’s fantasy world, and how they take ideas from art and history, and myth to form these theories on love, and how they love romantic stories etc. I’m the same way but when it comes to what I want for myself, for my own happiness, a boyfriend, wedding and kids just isn’t it. I would be living in my house with 3 cats and a flower garden outside, and just have friends to support and have them support me, and be happy with friends. My definition of love starts and ends with friends, and people are I would say routinely shocked at just how deep my loyalty goes, when I’m “just friends” with a person.

I think it goes back to my first question on this site “Confused about Relationships with Religion” and me learning 4 years and a lot of mental health struggles later, that I don’t have to do it the way my religion describes it, I don’t have to do it the way society wants it done. I can accept myself and do it my way.

I’m feeling emotionally and mentally exhausted from all these revelations and self reflection though. My parents say I look dazed a lot within the past week. Any ideas on how to deal with the drained feeling?

Hi spottedowl,

it’s so great to hear you are feeling better about your sexuality and are learning how to approach it on your own terms despite the possible pressure from other people, that’s so amazing and important for you to know <3

As for some resources I think you can find a few great ones through the search function on our main site, let us know if you need help with using that or with searching for other resources!

Discovering a lot of new things about ourselves that change how we view ourselves, our past as well as future can be really exciting and also can take up a lot of mental energy and I’m sorry that’s the case for you. Sometimes we just need to give our minds a break from big exhausting stuff like this. Are there some things/activities that generally help you when you need to relax or distract yourself? These can be things like going on a walk, talking to a counselor or a friends, making some art, listening to music...