Scarleteen

I've been in a relationship for just about a year now with my boyfriend (I'm 32, he's 36 going on 37). Early on in the relationship, I made an off-hand comment about oral sex and he said he doesn't like giving oral sex unless the person is hairless. That's not something I usually do, but I went and got waxed for the first time ever in hopes of turning him on. When I told him I'd gotten waxed for him, he revealed that he actually just isn't attracted to 'vaginas' in general. When I asked why, he wouldn't say.

I pressed him several times over the next few months about why, and he said he didn't want to say because he felt it would hurt my feelings. It finally came to a head about 6 months in and I was begging him for an answer, saying it was hard for me to understand his lack of interest in my body (he didn't give me oral, he wouldn't look at my genitals during sex or when I was naked in front of him, etc).

He finally broke down and said it was because of *my* vagina (he meant vulva) specifically. He said it looks like there's something "wrong" with it, that he thought it might be because I'd been sexually abused as a child, and that it also bothered him that it's "so well traveled" (his assumption, we'd never talked about how many partners we've previously had). Obviously I cried, a lot. It was very difficult. I told him I felt he was ignorant, that all vulvas look different - he said all the ones he's seen look the same and more "innie" than mine - and that there was absolutely nothing wrong with my vagina. I also asked how he would know when he'd only ever looked at it once, 1 month into the relationship, and he said he could remember. As though it were burned in his brain. We worked through it, with him saying he'd be willing to go to therapy (individual and/or couples') and that he would be willing to learn more about vulvas and understood it was his ignorance/inexperience.

However....a few months later, I came calling saying now that it's 2024, you have health insurance, let's pursue therapy. He claimed he had never agreed to therapy, that he doesn't believe in therapy (I'm studying to be a therapist...) and that he's not "ignorant" he just has preferences. We somehow worked through it - although it was an explosive fight that caused me to have serious doubts about the relationship that have continued to come up from time to time. That was in January.

We are now close to moving in together. He still has his own place, but he's at my house more often than not and most of his belongings are here. And lately I just can't stop hearing his words in my mind whenever anything sexual comes up. About my body, how he's preferred other women's. I can't help but notice he won't look below my waist when we're naked together. It's not even that he's *not attracted* to my vulva, it's as though he's actively repulsed by it. I don't understand how he can put his penis inside of it but won't look at it.

When I masturbate, I fantasize about him going down on me. And when we have sex, I only ever orgasm from using my vibrator - something that would be remedied by oral sex. It almost feels like I'm in a relationship with my vibrator. But it's not even about the orgasming, it's about the intimacy. I want to be with someone who is excited to explore my body, who isn't afraid of discomfort. After my sexual abuse, I had significant issues looking at a penis, but I worked through them so I could have intimacy with my partners and now I feel like I'm an expert at giving pleasure (he seems to agree - and I give him orgasms all kinds of ways from sex to blow jobs to hand jobs). It feels one way, it feels shaming, and I am building resentment.

I want to ask him again to go to couples' therapy with me. I want to believe that this could change. There's a lot of good in our relationship, there's a lot of compatibility in values, interests, lifestyle, etc. We have discussed having children and I want to move into that stage of my life. But I can't help but shake the feeling that his behavior "isn't normal" and that I "shouldn't have" to put up with it. It's almost like I can't tell how actually bothered I am by it versus how ashamed I feel that I'm putting up with it.

Anyway I don't really have a specific question other than....what do you think? Can this be salvaged? Is he too old to 'learn a new trick' so to speak? Could therapy help us? How can I let go of my resentment and accept him for who he is?

Edited to add...It may be of importance to note he was raised Mormon and left the church when he was 17. Prior to me, he also never used a condom for sex and had accidentally impregnated 2 women (who both miscarried). He has trouble using condoms so we have to either track my cycle and use pull out on 'safe' days or use pills for him to be able to use a condom, which also changes our sexual dynamic because early in the evening we have to discuss whether or not we're in the mood - if he should take a pill to be useful later on. He says his sexual hang ups have nothing to do with his upbringing or education, and that he wasn't sexually abused.

Hi thechemicaleyes,

There are a lot of things to touch on here, but I want to start with this one: I suggest heavily pumping the breaks on moving in with this guy, because he is showing several red flags that give me pause, and which his immaturity around your body, and vulvas in general are one part of.

Let's start with the vulva issue. Because yes, while people can and do have preferences around things like sexual acts and bodies, his initial explanation to you shows that ignorance is playing a WAY bigger role here. Assuming someone's genital appearance is from sexual abuse or multiple partners isn't a sign of preference, it's a sign of ignorance, and one he hasn't shown any interest in correcting in spite of you asking him to. Too, as you rightly pointed out, he's happy to put his penis inside your genitals, but lacks the maturity and respect for you to not act reviled by them

You say your fight about this lead you to have doubts about this relationship, and I think that's completely understandable. Because what you're describing is a partner who doesn't respect you in a lot of ways and is showing you that he's not willing to keep his word about things, like the counseling, that are important to you (also, telling you he doesn't believe in therapy when that's what you're hoping to do is a career suggests to me he's not going to be supportive of said career). Respect is one of the main things that needs to be present for a relationship to be healthy and sustainable, and I think those doubts you're feeling are flagging the fact that it's missing.

For the record, I don't think he's too old to change. But from what you're describing, he doesn't want to change or feel like he needs to, and that's the thing to pay attention to. He's flat-out told you that the thing you told him makes you feel miserable and like he reviles your body isn't something he needs to fix.

By the way, if you two continue to be sexual, I would stick to things that cannot pose a risk of pregnancy and/or use condoms (including female condoms if that's an option that makes more sense for you) or find a more reliable method of birth control. Your relationship is at a crossroads, and introducing a pregnancy into it is going to increase the chances of you not being able to leave if you need to. Although, honestly, I wouldn't be inclined to keep being sexual with someone whose reaction to my body is "ew" rather than "hell yeah."

That was a lot to take in, so I'm going to pause here. How are you feeling about what I wrote?