Scarleteen

(I apologize in advance for my incoherent yapping)

So I've been solid and confident in my identity as a lesbian for a while now, but for some reason every time my mom and I end up having a conversation about my sexuality, my confidence lowers. She mentions how I used to have "crushes" on boys when I was in elementary school and it throws me. I remember liking boys in elementary school, but I genuinely don't know in what way that I liked them. I mean, I was in ELEMENTARY school. I was really young and didn't really know was romance and attraction was. Honestly my younger childhood was a bit of a blur, so at this point I'm not even sure what to think. But my question revolves around the fact that I had crushes on boys when I was younger. Now, (I'm 17) I haven't liked a guy or been interested in a guy for years. I am exclusively interested in girls and have no genuine interest in a romantic or sexual relationship with a guy. It just gets frustrating sometimes because I know that a lot of LGBTQ+ people knew right away from a very early age that they were queer, and I just wish that's how it was for me, because the way my journey went, it's a lot more confusing and takes a lot longer to really understand yourself. I just don't get why I "crushed" on boys when I was younger but now have zero interest in them like that. Another issue I have in that area is that I have what people call "daddy issues," and not only do I honestly hate that phrase it's genuinely frustrating to deal with because I confuse wanting a guy to care about me for being attracted to them romantically. I did struggle with that my freshman year of highschool and it still sometimes just boggles my mind. But the thing is, I genuinely know that I like girls in all the ways possible, that isn't something I've ever questioned since I came to the realization. It's the guy thing I've questioned. When I was younger, I seemed to like guys, and as I got older I seemed to not so much. It's just frustrating and confusing and I'm wondering if anyone has any advice or feedback .

Welcome back, sof_ia44!

I completely get that it can feel confusing to understand our sexuality, especially when it comes to labels and confusing feelings that might come up. As Latha mentioned in a previous thread, no one can tell you what your sexual orientation is but you. So if you are only attracted to girls now, and identify as a lesbian, then that's all that matters. Even if you might have had some kind of crush on a boy in the past, your feelings can change and it sounds like you've only been attracted to girls recently.

At the same time, it's important to keep in mind that sexuality is fluid, and isn't necessarily something that can be figured out once and for all, forever and ever. Instead of thinking of it as a one-off realization or conclusion, it can be more helpful to think of it as an ongoing journey. While having a label can help us feel confident and allow us to communicate more easily to others how we identify, they aren't meant to box us in and prohibit us from noticing if what we are feeling is shifting or expanding. Again, the only one who can know what you're feeling, and choose a label and identity, is you. And it's also helpful to be gentle with yourself and not feel bad if you're ever questioning or unsure about your sexuality. This, this and this are helpful resources if you want to read up more on questioning.

In the meantime, if your mom mentioning your crushes on boys in the past is making you uncomfortable, do you think you could ask her to not mention those anymore?