Bottom gender dysphoria stuff - cum and pee

[anonym05]

When I was a few years younger, I could actually masturbate somewhat normally, but I've come only once in my life. It was okay, but I ended up probably peeing on my bed? I went to the bathroom beforehand, but then I came and something was coming out of me (a mysterious liquid that was probably pee) and then I kept going to the bathroom throughout the night. It was genuinely horrible and it made me not trust my body. Whenever I masturbated after that, it felt like I really needed to pee. At some point, I managed to get over that by not caring as much and when I didn't care as much, I didn't feel an intense need to pee (tho, sometimes still somewhat felt it, but it was bearable). My current problem is that I'm really into the idea of cumming. I really wish I could do it, but I'm a trans dude and can't and never will be able to do that and it makes me ridiculously dysphoric. Nowadays when I masturbate, I feel like I actually really want to pee during an orgasm. I really want to orgasm, but not being able to cum just feels like something is very off and idk what to do about it.

[Latha]

Hi Anonym05

Oof, I'm sorry this experience made you feel so awful. I can understand why you'd feel this way, but I want to say that you don't have to be ashamed of this. Sometimes our bodies don't act the way we expect them to, and that is alright. Just to check, are you sure the mysterious liquid was pee and not something like lubricant, or ejaculate (the kind that we think of with squirting)?

P.S. Have you looked into more gender-affirming ways of masturbating?

[anonym05]

Hello,

I think I'm pretty sure it was actual pee, because at that point in my life, I found out that I was drinking too much water and considering the fact that I went to the bathroom a lot that night, I think it's way more likely that it was just pee. I wasn't using lubricant at that point in time. Ngl, with my level of dysphoria and with everything I've tried, my last option would be like butt stuff, which doesn't sound all that interesting with just fingers, so idk.

[Latha]

Okay then- if I may ask, do you feel the urge to pee at other times, like when you sneeze/cough, laugh, or exercise? I'm wondering if you might be feeling this urge due to some pelvic floor issue. A doctor could tell you for sure and help with this, and there are exercises you can do on your own to strengthen your pelvic floor muscles.

I went back and looked at another thread of yours, and I can see that you have tried a lot of things. You could indeed try to explore anal sex, but don't push yourself if it doesn't interest you. Do you think you like it more if you used a sex toy, as opposed to just fingers?

Speaking of that, I've heard that trans men can use toys like strokers, and that it can be a very gender-affirming way to masturbate. Is that one of the things that you've tried?

[anonym05]

Weirdly enough, I don't think I do. The only thing that could be something like that is that I've used a menstrual cup and it kept sliding down, but afaik, it's probably just too small.

Definitely, it's just that I would have to be sure before getting one, because I don't want to waste money on something like that + it would be difficult to get one, but it could probably be done.

Despite the fact that I'm a trans dude, my parents are transphobic and know, so I'm not on testosterone. I don't think I could even use one with my current genitals.

[Amanda B]

Hi anonym05,

To clarify, when you're referring to 'cumming' are you referring to ejaculating? In addition to being able to ejaculate being a gender affirming experience, could you speak a little more about your current interest in being able to cum? Are there any particular sensations or feelings, either emotional or physical, that you're seeking out from being able to ejaculate? If we can pinpoint what's behind your motivation here, we may be able to work out how to experience these feelings in a different way.

Also, I looked back at some of your threads and wanted to check in on a few things. How has your interest in masturbation been progressing? Too, I've also noticed from previous threads that new sexual experience seem to have some excitement tied to them, but this excitement and interest sometimes goes away quickly. What do you think about this assessment of previous conversations you've had? I'd love to understand so I can best support you.

[anonym05]

Yes, I do mean ejaculating. Ngl, that question threw me off for some reason, because it's kinda hard to say. I personally find it very attractive when others (especially men) ejaculate. For me though, I would find it attractive if I could do it + I generally like the idea of ejaculating on people. Like I've mentioned in a thread before, it would unfortunately feel more right if my urethra was on my sex organ. I would just like to experience the feeling of it. Somewhat unrelated, but I've heard that masturbating with a penis is usually just easier and quicker. I wish I could jerk off for 15 minutes, cum and then be done with stuff. Plus, cumming just sounds better in a sensory way (more so with others).

Meh, I've kinda realized that it's really difficult to get myself in the mood without anyone helping me (as in, I basically need someone to sexually flirt with me), which is really difficult without an actual partner. I mean, I still get horny, but I'm usually not horny enough for masturbation to feel good/not bad. Embarrassingly enough, that is also dysphoria inducing. I've heard that people on T/cis men are usually into visual stuff and don't really need more than that to be horny enough and I rarely get horny, because of porn. I sometimes like reading stuff, but you can't masturbate while reading, so that is basically useless. Idk why, but my feelings generally fade/change quickly, I sometimes make the joke that I could never have depression, because my mind would refuse to feel bad for a long enough time. Basically, stuff is still not good and at this point in time, I wish I could actually orgasm, because nowadays I stop masturbating when it gets too boring. It feels as if you were watching a really cool movie and then it didn't really have a proper ending, it would also feel disappointing. In general, I've heard that most people can't orgasm from vaginal penetration and I'm actually not sure whether that would include even just masturbating and touching your g spot, because if so, then I'm probably fucked in that departement, because my clitoris is truly useless.

[Sam W]

Hi anonym05,

So, as frustrating as some of this is for you, it does actually sound like you're learning some really good things to know about your own body and sexual response, like that you tend to find things more satisfying with a partner or that your find written sexual media to be more enjoyable (I will say that, if you're able to read it on a phone or even a laptop, you might be able to more directly connect reading to masturbation).

I do also think that stopping masturbation when it moves from pleasurable to boring is a sound choice, even if it feels anticlimactic. Honestly, a lot of the pleasurable things in our life don't have a big build-up and release and we can still find them satisfying; sometimes it helps to think of sex and masturbation that way as well, as a way of adjusting our expectations and heading off disappointment.

You know, even though it often gets presented as very uncomplicated or only looking one way, "male" sexual experiences are still incredibly diverse. Yes, some men find it easy to masturbate quickly, and some men find they're aroused by visual images or that they have an easy time getting an maintaining arousal. But there are lots of men who have the opposite of those experiences, and many who have experiences that land somewhere in the middle or completely outside of that spectrum. So no one is less of a man for experiencing their sexual response in a certain way, you know?

[anonym05]

Hey,

funnily enough, that *was* on my computer. Idk why, but I feel like I can't focus on anything else while touching myself otherwise I just get too distracted. Even just fantasizing distracts me from what I'm doing.

I mean, I used to think that it's more important that I enjoy it at least somewhat, because orgasms aren't that important, but at this point it's just really disappointing. Sometimes I touch myself and when it gets boring, I just stop doing that, but sometimes I'm still horny afterwards, so it doesn't really feel like relieving/rewarding.

That's definitely true, but people just gender so much shit that it gets hard to not let that affect me. One big thing is that I'm generally not that masculine. I would like to have a more masculine body and a more masculine voice + I would like to be seen as a man, but everything else is just kinda feminine. I'd still like to paint my nails, maybe wear some skirts/dresses and just stuff like that. All in all, it feels like I'm not masculine in any way, so not being masc sexually also feels sorta bad.

[Sam W]

Do you feel like just focusing on your body and the sensations seems to feed the pleasure when you're able to do it? Or even then does it feel kind of underwhelming?

Too, you mention that masturbation used to be something that was generally enjoyable for you. Was it those concerns about pee and that feeling that you couldn't trust your body that seemed to correspond to it no longer being pleasurable? Or are there other things that happened around the time you noticed that change?

I hear you on people gendering things to an absurd and annoying degree. We can certainly talk more about unlearning or blocking out that hyper-gendered messaging, but I wonder, would it help to talk about some ways you could start moving into a body, presentation, or even a voice that helps you feel more at home in terms of gender? I will also say that the kind of thing you mention--wanting to be read as a man while still having or doing things that a considered "feminine"--is something more than one trans guy I know currently does. So if nothing else, that kind of gender expression does exist and can be happily embodied, and you're not alone in feeling like it's the way you want to express yourself.

[anonym05]

It always feels kinda underwhelming, it just does absolutely nothing when I don't focus on what I'm doing.

I think so, but I also started masturbating normally after I realized that I'm trans, so it could really just be the dysphoria as well.

Unfortunately, I don't feel like there are many options in my situation. My mom's really judgmental and doesn't want me to be masc and I just don't make money at this point (excluding allowance for obvious reasons lol). That being said, I've managed to get short hair, I have some more masculine/androgynous clothes, I've been voice training for a few years (haven't been able to actually implement it tho, because of anxiety and bad planning) and I'm out as a man everywhere that isn't home. I have heard about feminine trans guys, I have trans friends that are like that. I'm just really feminine in plenty of ways to the point that it feels weird for me to be trans, yk "I'm too feminine to be trans."

Mostly unrelated, but this is a weird thing I've been experiencing. Regular masturbation doesn't do much for me as I've established already, but I often fantasize about more. Especially about penetrative stuff. Thing is for whatever reason, inserting and removing my menstrual cup brings me arousal, because it just makes me think about what it would be like to have something else inserted there lmao. It feels really dumb.

[Amanda B]

From what you've said, it sounds like you're interested in more penetrative masturbation, as evidenced by your experience with a menstrual cup. As long as you are not injuring yourself, there's is nothing wrong with or "dumb" about becoming aroused from the sensation of using a menstrual cup. It may be helpful to lean into these pleasurable sensations while trying to withhold judgment. It can be easy to become hard on ourselves for things we enjoy, and this negative self-talk can certainly get in the way of pleasure. Are you interested in other forms of penetrative masturbation?

As Sam said, it sounds like you're understanding more and more about what feels good in your body, which is a great step in reaching the pleasure and experiences that are most affirming for you. If you haven't read it already, I'd also recommend our article Sexual Response & Orgasm: A Users Guide
, which does a great job of explaining arousal, masturbation, and orgasm. It outlines how all of these things can vary so much for people, so it may be helpful to check out.

[anonym05]

So like, this is just an update on the whole situation lol. I actually got myself a tiny vibrator like a month ago (only after getting a regular sized vibrator that was too big...) and it has really improved masturbation for me to the point that regularly touching myself feels kinda boring now, but that could be just because it wasn't that good in the first place. Surprisingly enough, inserting it isn't as interesting as I thought it would be. My biggest annoyance at the moment is that I really wanted to try like, full on penetration with the regular-sized vibrator, but I can't insert it all the way and when I try to do that, it's *really* painful (I use lube btw). I keep wondering whether I could just get used to the size somehow or whether I just have to get a smaller one.

[Sam W]

Hi anonym05,

I'm glad to hear that the vibrator has been an overall enjoyable thing to add into masturbation!

I will say that I'm not super surprised to hear that inserting it isn't as interesting as you hoped; the vaginal canal isn't all that sensitive, especially since past the first third of it. As far as wanting to insert it all the way, depending on the length that pain you're noticing may be it bumping your cervix (position can make this more or less likely, as can how aroused you are), or you may need to add even more lube to see if that helps at all.

You can certainly get used to sex toys in the sense of learning what positions make inserting them easier or more pleasurable, or what ways of using them are the most comfortable. But because the vaginal canal is a muscle, you can't really train it to be ready to accommodate a certain object at all times. Does that make sense?