Issues with sexual contact: anatomy? arousal?

[WhatMightBe]

Hi! I was told by a doctor two years ago at a walk-in clinic that I had an unusually small opening in my hymen, that for many people, even people such as myself who had never had sex, their hymen would often be more worn away than mine just from everyday activities. I didn't really pursue this line of questioning with him because the only reason he mentioned it was because I'd come in with a complaint about my period and he had done a vaginal exam and said that he hadn't really been able to do it properly because of the small opening. But he had another suggestion to help with my initial complaint, so I didn't feel the need to ask any follow-up questions about my hymen.

Now I am in a relationship and thinking about sex for the first time. My partner has tried once or twice to insert a finger into my vagina, and both times I recoiled because it felt like he'd just jammed his finger against the sides of my vagina (I don't know if that's proper terminology -- between the labia minor and the vaginal opening) and it hurt. Though I've never had a sexual partner before, he has, and he says that he's never had a partner before who reacted like I did to that.

This made me remember what the doctor said about my hymen and wonder if that was the cause, especially since I've only ever tried tampons once before giving up on them forever since I couldn't insert them. But after looking up some anatomy charts online and looking in the mirror, I thought that it looked to me pretty much like the charts did. It didn't look to me like there an "unusual hymen" obstructing the vaginal opening. Maybe I'm just bad at interpreting information from anatomy charts and tracking that onto my own body, or maybe my hymen really has worn away since that doctor's appointment.

I feel silly trying to masturbate, so I've never done it for pleasure, but out of curiosity I tried to insert a finger myself. At first I just poked myself uncomfortably like my partner had done (but less uncomfortably, maybe because my fingers are smaller and I was going slowly because my partner's attempts had made me gun-shy), but I did end up managing to insert a finger. It didn't feel like I would be able to insert a second finger, though.

Does this mean that it's just a question of arousal? And if it is, is there anything in particular I can do about that? I am not very sexual and do have trouble feeling arousal,but it hadn't occurred to me that that could be this much of a physical impediment to penetration. Or should I try to get an appointment for a vaginal exam, just to see if everything seems normal? (Looked normal to me, but I'm just a layperson who spent a few minutes on Google.) And if that's the case, would it be better to go to a gyno instead of to a walk-in clinic? That option feels like it would take a long while, though.

[Sam W]

Hi WhatMightBe,

So, given that there's a decent amount of variation in how the vaginal corona (that's the technical name for the hymen) looks, the fact you had what the doctor considered a "small" opening may not automatically be the cause of the issues you're having (I'm also a little skeptical of his claim, if only because if he's a general care provider instead of an OB-GYN, he may have seen fewer vaginal coronas overall). Too, depending on how long ago that exam was, the corona has also had more time to wear down some. It's a stretchy enough membrane that even with a relatively small gap, or gaps, in it, it does have some ability to accommodate objects of different sizes.

That being said, if you want to schedule a visit with an OB-GYN who can take a look, that's absolutely an option. Too, if you're starting to be sexually active, having a check-up with one can double as you having a sexual health exam. Depending on where you are and what resources you have access to, there could be a longer wait to see an OB-GYN, but we could also help you brainstorm to see what your options are; there may be one where you can get in to see them relatively quickly.

Now, there's also the fact you've said arousal isn't something you experience easily, and I suspect that's playing a big role in all this as well. When you've been with your partner and they've tried inserting fingers, did you feel really turned on and relaxed? Are you ever aroused to the point where you're the one initiating sex, or is it always your partner?

[WhatMightBe]

Hi! Thank you so much for your reply.

When you say "sexual health exam," what does that entail exactly? I looked briefly into a clinic where I could make an appointment and saw that it offered the choices of "STI detection," "pap test," and "getting a birth control prescription."

My partner is always the one initiating, not me. He has expressed concern before about pushing me too much, but I've told him that I'm fine if he just initiates whatever kind of touch he wants to initiate and I'll pull away if I'm not comfortable with it. It's true that I'm fine with that, but it does mean that as soon as it goes below the waist, I start getting tense, because a part of me is waiting for the moment when I'll want to pull away.

When my partner initiates, I do enjoy it, but he has said before that he doesn't think we're experiencing the same thing, because he says sometimes he'll be feeling "transported" and I'll start laughing because I found something about what's happening awkward or silly. I don't know that I particularly have a physical response to it the way he does. I don't know what I can do about that other than hope that that will change as I get more comfortable.

[Sam W]

You're welcome!

So, what exactly happens at a sexual health exam depends a bit on why you've gone, and on the conversation you have with the healthcare provider once you're there. Usually they'll ask you some questions to help determine if you're sexually active, if you need STI testing, if you want to talk about contraception, and things like that.

I do think arousal, or a lack of it, is playing a role in why inserting anything is difficult. I'm glad to hear your partner is being attentive to your boundaries and making sure he's not pushing. But there's a big difference in terms of our sexual experience between being okay with something and desiring something. Desire is a key player in feeling the kind of arousal that makes sex pleasurable (and that cues our bodies to do things like lubricate, or raise our cervix).

I wonder if, instead of him just doing what he's into and you going along with it and being tense in anticipation of the moment it needs to stop, you two took some time to talk about things you both like and are comfortable with, then agree to focus on those things during sex? We have some pieces designed to help with those conversations if you'd like them, and laying out what you're going to do ahead of time might make it easier for you both to relax.

With the laughing, or feeling like he's having a very different experience than you, I don't think that in and of itself is a sign anything is wrong. For one, sex is FULL of awkward or silly moments, and anyone who's been sexual for any length of time probably has a story (or four) about times something happened that made them crack up during sex. But more than that, how we experience sex with another person is, well, personal, and it can vary from day to day. The goal isn't really to get to a point where you're experiencing the same thing as your partner; it's more about creating an experience together that's mutually enjoyable, you know?

[WhatMightBe]

Cool, this has been very helpful, you've given me a lot of food for thought. I'll look into a sexual health exam and talking to my partner about this. I really appreciate your responses!

[Sam W]

You're very welcome, and I'm glad it was helpful!