Scarleteen

hi! i've seen a few threads on this topic but i just wanted to get this concern off my chest.

i'm afraid that i committed cosca as a child— i don't remember how old i was, i couldn't have been older than 6-8. when i was young i was interested in fanfiction online and i read a lot of stuff, but i didn't really have much supervision, so i think maybe i picked up on some stuff there? i have really vague memories of repeating these stories to my younger sister (4 years younger than me) and repeating some of the actions (like humping). i don't remember much at all—it's all really fuzzy. i know another incident where a friend of mine made a voice recording joking around and saying they wanted to have sex with me which i got upset about. somewhere in this mix i remember my parents having a conversation with me about sex and how its not appropriate for kids and i never did any of that kind of thing again.

on paper, this looks like child experimentation/repetition of stuff i saw online. but it's so hard for me to make sense of that, especially since i have pretty bad ocd. i get these horrible intrusive thoughts about the possible abuse i inflicted. i have no idea what to do or what to think!! sometimes i just get totally triggered by things and then i can't stop the guilt and shame spiral. sometimes i don't know if i am just an evil person.

Hi angelsswings,

From what you're describing, this fits with the kind of sexual experimentation and curiosity we know young children can and do engage in. I'm not hearing you describe any force or coercion, and it sounds like your motivation for this was curiosity rather than your own gratification.

I suspect, and it sounds like you do as well, that what's going on here is your OCD has chosen this as something to latch onto, meaning that even when you DO have the information needed to help you make sense of what happened, you have this voice yelling at you and drowning that information out. That's a stressful situation at the best of times, even more so when it's attached to something this serious. What kind of support are you receiving around your OCD? That could be things like counseling, medication, etc.

hello! thanks for your response.

currently, i'm on a low dose of medication for my ocd, but i don't have the resources available to pursue therapy. that aside, i do want to try and do some self-guided erp exercises because even though i can't pursue therapy i don't want to just sit and let my ocd worsen— i do actively want to counter it. because really, having these sorts of thoughts and more is THE WORST.

Okay! Here are a few different starting places. Some of them are more resource round-ups with suggestions of workbooks and similar you could look into using, and some are collections of different exercises and techniques to help you address OCD thought patterns: https://www.anxietycanada.com/sites/def ... _hmocd.pdf, https://www.mind.org.uk/information-sup ... e-for-ocd/, https://www.ocduk.org/overcoming-ocd/self-help/

Too, if you want to talk about the barriers to accessing therapy, we might be able to help you brainstorm some ways you could access it sooner rather than later.

hi! sorry for the delayed response. thank you for these resources. i'm trying to do some exposure exercises with imaginative exposure, since i mainly deal with "pure o" thought patterns (like pocd and false memory ocd). now that the summer is here i am going to work hard on exercises

as for therapy, unfortunately i can't afford it and my insurance has no mental health coverage. i've discussed therapy with my mom and she doesn't really believe in it, despite me trying to explain how ocd therapy/erp therapy is different from regular talk therapy. it definitely sucks and i do wish i could get professional help, because i don't like struggling with my ocd and i want to be able to life my life to the fullest without intrusive thought loops

Hi Angelsswings,

You deserve to get the help you need, I'm sorry that money is proving to be an obstacle.

I'm wondering if there may be some more affordable ways for you to access therapy. Some therapists offer sliding scale options for payment, for one. Universities and other places that train therapists may offer sessions with supervised trainees at a lower cost. Or you might be able to join a support group for people with OCD in your area or online. Have you looked into any of these options?

Good luck with the exercises! Remember to be kind to yourself, no matter what progress you make.