Scarleteen

Recently I’ve grown close to an acquaintance who is a cis gay man. Im afab and have fluctuated with my gender identity and expression over the years. I find myself very attracted to him but I have had trouble finding the words to express this.

Although I’ve been sleeping with people since my early 20s it’s been with people who view me as female. I’m mostly attracted to men and in my experience, gay men did not consider me a man because of my anatomy. I didn’t realize until I started to have feelings for my friend, is that the reason I’ve never had a fulfilling sex life is that I’ve never had my gender affirmed during intimacy.

How do I express this to my friend? I have tried many times but I can never get my words to express how I’m feeling. We’ve become very close and he has made me part of his chosen family. I’m just not sure what this means and I think I waited too long. He may have been sending me subtle signals that I didn’t understand and now he has moved on. Im devastated because if I missed this chance to be close to him like this, I feel like I’m going to regret it for the rest of my life.

Hi Trixieandtoast, and welcome to the boards!

I’m sorry to hear that you haven’t had your gender affirmed during intimacy — this can feel really disheartening as one goes through a transition, or even figures out one’s identity, so I hear you that this is a sensitive feeling. Indeed, gender identity is separate from anatomy, and good partners will know and affirm that. Too, we can help with ways to talk to your friends/partners about things like identity and gender affirmation if you’d like! We also have this reading, to start: Dating and Gender Roles When One Partner is Trans

I’m glad to hear, though, that you have a friend who has made you a part of his chosen family — in terms of what this means with his potential reciprocated attraction, the only person who will truly know is your friend, but I suspect the “chosen family” comment might have to do more with the trust and closeness he feels toward you, than you missing a chance. Does that make sense?

In terms of how to express this to your friend, I think it may be helpful to ask yourself first what you would like to change in your relationship, or what you’re seeking in telling him how you feel. For example: Do you want him to know you like him? Do you want to know if he likes you? Do you want to go on a date with him, or explore intimacy with him? We have a resource on crushes in general that outlines some of the do’s and dont’s of “telling a crush,” if it helps! Quickies: Crushes

How does all of that sound?

Thank you so much for your reply!

I feel very honored that he has made me his chosen family. I am really happy that we have become friends. The missing a chance feeling i tied to how I feel about him and what I want to share with him. I mostly want him to know that I am attracted to him and if he is attracted to me. I am not aiming to be more than friends, but if he is attracted to me I’d like to explore what would happen. I know he sleeps with some of his friends, and he isn’t looking for a relationship in this time of his life either.

I am not attracted to many people. I know the percentage of the population who will be attracted to me for who I am AND I am also attracted to is very low. So I feel if he can see who I am and is interested I would like to get closer to him in this way.

He has mentioned he has slept with a transman in the past. He has listened to me talk about gender. We’ve stayed up taking late into the morning sometimes. He seemed very interested in my life. Sometimes I would look over at him and he would be on the edge of his seat looking at me as I talk. He asks me lots of questions about everything. He’s asked me what kind of guy I usually date and my dating history. I didn’t think anything of these conversations at the time because I just assume all cis gay men are not interested in me. I feel even if he did have feeling for me, it’s been over a month since we started talking like this so maybe he moved on because I didn’t take hints?

I’m normally more assertive with dating and prefer to pursue people. This seems different. I did try to mention I felt like more than friends but not in a relationship way and I thought he seemed receptive, but after that conversation, nothing came from his end so I thought maybe I was mistaken. Then I thought maybe if I told him I was connected on a physical level that didn’t have to be sexual he would feel comfortable with that. I also mentioned that the relationship/connection i would like to share didn’t have a name. He responded that he is friends with me like he is with all his friends. He said he can’t offer me that physical connection. He added “(the non sexual type)” after the words physical connection. This part is messing with my head because idk why he didn’t just say no physical connection at all. I can’t tell if I’m reading more into this than is there.

I don’t require him to be attracted to me for us to stay friends. It’s just confusing and I don’t know how to proceed. I feel kind of humiliated if I’ve assumed too much and of course he wouldn’t be into me because he’s gay and I am who I am.

Hey trixieandtoast!

I understand that this can cause a lot of conflicting emotions, but you are doing a fantastic job of verbalizing your feelings! He sees something in you, regardless of whether that is a friend, family, or possibility of something more. Am I right in understanding that your friend said he can't offer you 'non-sexual physical connection', or did I read that wrong?

For what it's worth, I don't think you need to worry about his sexuality not being compatible with your gender, as it seems like he isn't a stranger to being with transmascs sexually. I think that unless/until you sit down and communicate these feelings with him, your mind will keep spiraling and you'll keep feeling confused. Is he the type of person who you'd feel safe just laying this all out for? Maybe you could even show him your posts here or adapt them verbally, because you've demonstrated here that you have the words to explain it in you; it's just the hurdle of getting them out that's hard!

Admittedly I need to work on communication. I also second guess myself, because I have judged situations incorrectly in the past. I also am unsure because he hasn’t tried/asked to touch me other than hugs that mostly I initiate. Maybe he is a person who likes to be told? Maybe he is waiting out of respect? I feel like if he wanted to he would have asked by now.

And yes, he did say that in a text after I sent a text about physical connection that didn’t have to be sexual. At this point I was afraid of scaring him away, and I thought maybe that’s what he wanted? Now I’m confused by his answer. It’s hard for me to understand if people don’t say things in clear words.

I have tried multiple times to say how I feel and did think at one point I had but he never mentioned anything about it so I thought i misunderstood. I feel like I lose the ability to speak when I try to say how I feel in front of him.

It feels pathetic to show him these posts. I did try to give him the letters I wrote after every night we talked. I felt the same way and couldn’t give them to him. It feels like I should have figured this out by now and I’m embarrassed.

Hi Trixieandtoast!

First, I want to reassure you that there’s no “best timeline” for working through communicating with your friends or potential partners. Communicating with other people is one of those tricky things where, because you can’t control what other people say, it often takes the form of a “journey” rather than a single conversation. Does that make sense? All that to say, you’re on your way, and there’s nothing wrong with approaching conversations again when you feel like you haven’t figured it out yet.

Communicating about things like intimacy and physical contact can be really daunting, but especially when the other person gives some unclear communications. I’d say because the “no non-sexual physical contact” comment was the most troubling/confusing to understand (and could definitely use some clarification), maybe that could be a place to start talking about this more? For example, some colloquial version of “Hey, I don’t think I fully understood what you said the other day about x. Do you feel ok talking about it again so I can understand?”

Please correct me if I’ve misunderstood, but it sounds like you want to know more about his physical and sexual boundaries with you specifically, which is super important! We do have a resource, called our Sexual Inventory Stocklist, that very directly goes through a bunch of sexual situations, with the “Yes, No, Maybe” framework to start communicating what your boundaries are. Going through that, does that seem like something that could help guide your conversations with him on things like physical contact and intimacy?

The reason why I feel like i have missed the proper window of time is that I although we have known of each other through a friend for years, I moved into the house where him and a friend were living in February. We still didn’t get to know each other until the end of March. I think maybe I should have acted when we were in the same living space. He’s on a camping trip until the 15th of this month and then he will be living an hour away. He will also be moving out of state at the end of the summer for a new job. So I this is why I feel like I missed my only chance to explore this with him.

I really cannot read him at all. I feel I’ve ruined my chance because I couldn’t get out how I fully felt. It just feels like the time is past and i missed it. I don’t know how to bring up the conversation about the “no non-sexual contact” without being annoying. I feel like he is annoyed with me by now because of how I navigated this situation. And now it feels like it doesn’t matter and I’m past the point where talking about it or showing him it in written form is appropriate. Which makes me very sad.

The inventory is very helpful to me. As a way to talk about boundaries, again seems pointless at this point because I feel like he has moved on because people can only be so patient. I take a long time to process things in general and find people getting impatient with me in other areas.

I’ve slept with many straight men in the past and was at the point of questioning whether my attraction towards them was genuine or was it just because they were the only people who were attracted to me. This experience felt different as in my attraction to him happened without me realizing it and without the assurance he returned the attraction.

I am willing to travel to visit him. He has invited me to, but I’m not sure if he still wants that, as the invitation came when we were intensely talking. He has many other things going on in his life and he doesn’t have time to be thinking about this. He doesnt need me in this area of his life. He has plenty of friends. He’s very comfortable and free in his sexuality. He doesn’t have these hang ups like myself. He can find people anywhere as he is a very attractive person both physically and spiritually. I feel if I bring it up now I will be a bother. Again, this makes me sad, but I don’t think I can blame anyone but myself.

I’m also embarrassed that I’m still realizing things about myself. I am envious of those who have figured things out. I am envious of those who can share intimacy with others freely. It feels like I have to wait until I have to figure everything out before I can proceed or experiment, which doesn’t seem fair. I feel like I’ve waited long enough. Sometimes it feels like I’ll never have a fulfilling sex life.

If he is attracted to me, he will be the first person that has been attracted to me for who I am.

Hi Trixieandtoast,

I hear you that these conversations with him have started to feel frustrating, and I know that can be a hard thing to feel too — especially when we just want to figure out what’s going on. However, because you’re in a living situation with this person , if a potential conversation about any of this might cause the living situation to become uncomfortable or tricky for either of you, I might tread with more caution. That doesn’t mean shutting off communication at all, but just continuing with the discretion that whatever happens, you both still inhabit the same space, so it may not be best to entertain a partnership with a roommate. Does that make sense?

I know it can be really saddening, especially when you feel like the other person maybe doesn’t want to talk much more about it. I hear you struggling with the feeling of “he doesn’t need me” or the feeling of “I’ll be a bother” — these thoughts can be really painful, especially when they reoccur or we can’t really find a way through them by communicating with a person who may not want to as much. If it helps, during these moments of feeling really bad about this, we have a resource for moments of anxiety here: Anxiety and Other Mental Health Resources

Within that article, there’s a section called Basic self-help strategies, and that can help quell some anxieties when you’re feeling overwhelmed by this.

How does all of that sound?

Also, I definitely hear you about feeling like you need to figure things out before experimenting — but if I can reassure you, there’s nothing wrong with pursuing intimacy with people while you figure out yourself — as long as you have a clear sense of your boundaries, expectations, and desires, and are able to freely express that, and receive feedback from partners about their boundaries, you should feel free to pursue intimacy with people!

I know there’s some really messed up societal expectations, especially for people who identify outside of a cis-binary identity, that tell us that we need to be fully identified or developed to be sexual with people, but that expectation is wholly unrealistic. Truly, the right people we meet will help quell those unrealistic expectations and appreciate you for your growth. And, if a partner is making you feel like you need to be different or “more whole” to be with them, they are most likely not the best partner anyway. Does that make sense?

You misunderstand. He is no longer my roommate. He now lives 40 miles away. At the end of the summer he will move 400 miles away. All of what I described happened when we were living together.

As far as communication during sex, I know what I want and I know what I don’t want. I am very clear with stating boundaries. I have no expectations because I’ve never been here before. I guess I don’t feel comfortable asking for what I want because for the reasons I stated above, it feels like I don’t deserve it.

Thank you for the last message. It’s really helpful to hear that. I can’t speak about this with cis people because they don’t understand and keep recommending solutions that don’t apply to me. They make me feel like a coward because they think I’m just afraid but it’s obviously more complicated than that. I don’t think the average cis person will ever understand.

Is this a conversation I can have over the text? The question about clarification about what he said/his wording/what he meant. I know topics like this should be in person to be clear of confusion, but seeing as I have failed to communicate in person multiple times maybe this is better than nothing? I am not sure when the next time I will see him. I can drive to visit him but I’d like to clarify this before we hang out again. Does that make sense? Is this a good idea? If not what should I try instead?

Hi Trixieandtoast,

I am glad the responses by KierC and CaitlinEve have been helpful for you during this process. Touching on planning your conversation, texting is definitely an option you can try and see if that is a comfortable option for you. If you feel like talking in person is too overwhelming you can start some conversations with him over text and see how they make you feel. If you are feeling comfortable and feel he is able to be engaged and communicative in this medium, you can ask for some clarification on his wording/feelings that have been confusing you. Different mediums of communication work differently for everyone so it can often take some trial and error when navigating new aspects of relationships. If you like we can talk about some ways to structure these text conversations if you feel that would be helpful to you.

That would be very helpful! I feel I need to text him soon because it’s been a week since he sent that text in response to mine. I’m feeling panicked inside because he now most likely thinks I don’t desire a sexual relationship at all. He may also not care at this point and has moved on. Sex isn’t as big a deal to him as it is to me probably. Most of all I desire to keep him in my life in whatever way he wants to. That’s why I have been this careful so far. I was very afraid of scaring him away.

I copied the conversation I’m confused about below.

ME: “S****, what I was trying to articulate earlier is that I feel a physical connection to you that isn’t necessarily sexual. This has been hard for people to understand in the past. I have lost friends even after explaining there is a distinction for me. I’m trying to be as clear as possible but it’s hard when a word for the type of relationship I want to share doesn’t even exist. It has been hard for me because I really value having you in my life and physical affection is a big way of sharing how I feel. I didn’t want you to misunderstand and distance yourself from me“

HIM: “I understand and thank you for clarifying that. I will be friends how I am friends with everyone else. So I am afraid I don't think that I can offer the physical connection ( the non sexual type) in our friendship. I hope that's okay.“

Hi Trixieandtoast,

You know, if he has made you a part of his chosen family, it means he cares about you and your feelings. Even if he has moved on, or if he thinks you don't want a sexual relationship, that doesn't mean he won't listen to you and treat you respectfully and kindly.

So, how can you structure this conversation? I think you could start by making sure you have everything you want to say. As I understand, it is something like this:

• You're attracted to him, and you want to know how he feels about you. (If he is also attracted to you, you want to explore that)

• It is okay if he isn't attracted to you.

• Your friendship with him is important to you, and you want to continue being friends after he moves.

• You're interested in clarifying what his physical and sexual boundaires are with you (with particular reference to the conversation you copied above).

You might want to start by telling him that you want to talk about something important. Depending on what you're comfortable with, you could have this be a back-and-forth discussion over text, or you could cover everything you want to say initially at once. If you would like to have a discussion, find a time when both of you won't be distracted. You could tell him that he can take some time to think over what you've said before he responds.

How does this sound?

“S****, I’m confused and I need you to clear things up. I need to send this in text to communicate it effectively. I keep thinking about the text you sent about physical connection. The “no non-sexual” connection.
Can you please explain this text to me.

I am attracted to you and I thought you were attracted to me. I tried to tell you I wanted to explore things in our friendship the day we were on the back porch. When nothing changed after that conversation, I thought I was mistaken about your feelings.

S*****, I don’t want an only platonic physical connection with you. I thought that’s what I thought you wanted. I can’t maintain this level of uncertainty.

Our friendship is the most important. You don’t have to be attracted to me to be my friend. I’m not expecting anything. You do not owe me anything.

It would be helpful if you state in clear words how you feel about me. It would be helpful to tell me in plain words what your boundaries are for platonic and/or sexual connection with me. If any part of you still wants to explore that part of our friendship, please state that in plain words also.”

Here is a draft of my text I want to send on Monday. He’s camping over the weekend and I don’t want to distract him from nature.

Hi Trixieandtoast!

Just to clarify, did you have a question about this draft?

I don’t know if that text is too much/too serious. Sex is way less of a big deal to him than it is to me. I don’t want to come across as weird and obsessive. I created a more casual text below. Does that one seem better? Im afraid a text seems weird but I’m also afraid to wait until I see him in person because I might not be able to verbalize it again.

“ S****, I think we misunderstand each other. I’ve been thinking about your text from the night you left. Please clarify your physical and/or sexual boundaries with me. I thought I had communicated on the back porch that I wanted to explore more in our friendship, but you never mentioned/I never received anything from you after that so I thought you weren’t interested. I definitely wanted more than i platonic physical connection with you, but I was trying to be respectful. I have difficulty with social cues, so if the time has past i understand. I’ll always be friends with you no matter what, but if you’d still like to explore with me, can I visit you in ****?”

Hi Trixieandtoast,

It is clear you have put a lot of thought into drafting these texts, which I commend you for. Before I discuss the draft I wanted to quickly touch on your point of sex being "way less of a deal" to him rather than to you. No matter where we are in our journey with sex and sexuality or how many people we have slept with, sex continues to be a meaningful part of understanding ourselves and connecting with others. It is an important aspect of many people's lives and deserves the consideration and communication you are dedicating to it.

I would say to go with the draft that you are most comfortable with and feel will answer everything you need clarity on. Another option is, like Latha suggested, to pick a time with him when you both can sit down and have a conversation over text. There you can start by asking for clarification, see his response then move into explaining your feelings. You can use aspects of your draft as ways to anchor the conversation as well. This is an option if you want to not have to send everything at once, and you know he will be engaged in the conversation/not away from his phone. Does that make sense?

I did ask if he was gonna be around his phone today so I could ask him a question. He is busy writing today as he has a big deadline soon. He told me to leave a voice note. I think this might be a bad time to bring this up. He needs to use all of his energy to write I feel it’s wrong to distract him. He told me to leave a voice note. I don’t know if it’s appropriate to bring this up now. Especially out of the blue.

Should I tell him it can wait and ask if I’ll see him when he gets back? My therapist told me to write down what I want to communicate and have it front of me when I talk to him. My mentor told me to just ask to hang out with him in the city he’s staying in for the summer. Then if it comes up I should tell him how I feel.

My head is spinning. It took a lot for me to send that text and I don’t know what I was expecting, but I think his answer means I shouldn’t bother him with this right now.

Hi trixieandtoast,

I hope it’s okay that I’m stepping in here. I’m so sorry this didn’t go as planned! I understand not wanting to bother him when he might have a lot of work but I think there wouldn’t be anything wrong with sending him the voice note if you want to. After all, he said you can and it’s not your task to somehow magically guess if he meant something completely contradictory by that. On the other hand, him having to work might mean it would take some time before he gets back to you or he might have less capacity to really think it through before replying so if that’s something you wouldn’t be comfortable with, waiting and sending the text later/talking when you see each other might be a better choice for you. How does that sound?

I have decided to wait. He gave me a date when he will be done with writing. I feel like that is him setting a boundary. That he doesn’t have any brain power to spare and I think I should respect that.

If I happen to see him before then, I’m going to try and casually mention that I think we misunderstand each other but we don’t have to talk about it until he has time. It would also mean a lot to me if he went with me to get a gender affirming haircut. I want to ask him that too.

It seems selfish to voice this right now. When he told me to message or voice note, I think he was expecting a short question. I don’t think he can handle this right now.

It’s really hard to accept, but I care about his wellbeing and mental health more than my need to have this resolved.