Scarleteen

I've been in therapy these last few months and have started talking more about a relationship I had when I was 18/19. He was my first boyfriend and we started dating the summer before college and then long distance during freshman year of college. He had a girlfriend before me that he had sex with, so he was more "experienced" to say.

There were several instances where I felt uncomfortable in sexual situations. The first time he tried to kiss me we were cuddling on the couch and I had my eyes closed and was just relaxing and he didn't ask if he could kiss me. I freaked out and asked to be taken home. On the ride we didn't talk about it at all. I had wanted to kiss but felt weird that he just went for it without asking at all.

Later when we were officially together, when we first starting more sexually touching he put his hand down my underwear and starting touching my vulva without asking while we kissing. I froze and didn't say anything but was again freaked out. On the ride home he asked if I was okay because I was quiet. I felt like I was in shock. I felt molested. I told him no, that I wasn't okay and he left it at that.

During college we argued a lot and felt like we were constantly fighting. I had undiagnosed anxiety at this time and was struggling with adjusting to living away from my family. I didn't have any friends on campus and he was the only person I regularly saw. We became more sexual until he started asking if we could have sex. I didn't want to since we were fighting all the time and I wanted to wait. I told him this over text so I made my boundaries clear. He said that sex was how he showed his love and that he knew I wanted to (my body was physically receptive but my mind was not). Afraid to be alone and lose the only friend I had at the time, I gave in and said yes. I told him we could do it the next time he visited despite me not really wanting to. After that I felt like I was mostly being used for sex by him. I was never focused on the present when we had sex, my mind was always somewhere else, and it never really felt pleasurable. I didn't even really feel like I was there.

After we broke up I tried to bring that up to him, That I felt pressured into it and he just told me that I said yes to it, so I consented and there was no more talking about it. He always seemed annoyed whenever I would try to bring up how I felt and would brush it off.

I'm now almost 25 and have had another serious boyfriend since then. Our relationship is so much healthier. I am excited to have sex and sexual contact and feel very present in the moment and can enjoy the intimacy. Having had this healthy relationship I'm now thinking back to how uncomfortable and coerced I felt back in college. I'm afraid to say I was sexually assaulted or raped. I read an article on here about gray areas between consent and sexual assault and I'm starting to think I was sexually assaulted and taken advantage of. I still have trauma around him and even just seeing him in public makes me feel panicky. I am medicated for my anxiety now, but he still makes me feel so gross in my own skin. When I learned he had a new girlfriend I broke down crying because I was afraid he might treat her the same as he treated me. I don't want to call myself a victim if I'm not. This is something has weighed quite heavily on my mind for a while now.

Hi blckholesun89,

I want to start by saying that, ultimately, you get to be the boss of how you refer to what happened, or to yourself. We're each the expert on our own experiences and our feelings about those experiences, and that includes whether or not we feel ready or comfortable calling them by certain names.

That being said, what you describe from your ex does match with the understanding of sexual assault, and I'm sorry your ex chose to act the way he did. Part of that is in the fact that when we talk about consent to sex, we're talking about enthusiastic consent; a "yes" that comes from excitement and comfort, not simply the absence of a "no."

But more than that, when you tried to tell him about your boundaries around sex, he deliberately blew past them and went straight to pressuring you (do some people show love through sex? Of course. Does the fact they do that mean a partner has to have sex with them if they don't want to? Absolutely not. They can find other ways to express their love that don't require a partner to have sex when they don't want to)

Too, claiming that he could tell you wanted to be sexual because you were experiencing physical arousal is a classic excuse made by people who choose to sexually assault others. Among other things, it goes against the fact that when it comes to consent, it's our mental and emotional reaction to what's going on that matters, not our physical one.

That was a lot all at once, so I want to pause here and check in about how you're feeling about what I just wrote?

What you said backs up how I was thinking through the situation. In the moment it was very hard to navigate how to set those boundaries and how to react to having boundaries crossed. It's been about 6 or 7 years since most of that happened, so it is easier to process since I'm removed from the situation.

It's a hard thing to talk about out loud with the people around me. Especially since it was with a partner. I know a lot of partner on partner sexual assault and rape doesn't get talked about often. I'm also afraid since it happened a long time ago that if I talk about it now to people now they might think I'm lying or trying to get revenge in some way. That's why I posted here; I've been reading on Scarleteen since my teen years and know I could confide in the staff.

I'm glad you felt safe confiding in us here!

It can absolutely be difficult to even consider talking about this with other people, and you're right that assault within the context of a romantic relationship still isn't treated as legitimate by a lot of people. That being said, you still deserve support around what happened, and we're happy to offer a space where you can talk about this and know it will be taken seriously. Too, if you decide you want to seek additional support from people in your life, or from something more formal like a rape crisis resource, we can also help you navigate those interactions.

Is there a way we can best support you around all this right now?