feel like a fake lesbian

[kukiromu]

ive been fairly comfortable identifying as a lesbian, even though i am aware that my experience isnt exactly the same as someone else who may identify that way and i dont fit into the “box” definition i guess bc i fantasise about men, but these men are always unattainable or otherwise completely fictional. And also men i dont know irl. and when im fantasising, im fantasising about it thru the perspective of someone else, sometimes even another man so im detached from the idea really. i find men aesthetically attractive and pleasing which i know is completely fine and acceptable in most ppls eyes for lesbians to do. thats not rlly what my problem is, ive come to terms with that not affecting my sexuality personally and also with the fact that maybe people wont understand that & i dont need them to, bc its rlly none of their business. but my problem comes in with my asexuality.

im a very specific asexual. im aegosexual — which for me personally means that i do experience desire and arousal from sexual stimuli or from viewing / reading porn, but i dont actually want to partake in any sexual act. for me this transcends gender and the gender of whoever it is doesnt actually matter. its less about the gender of the person and moreso about the act of sex happening that turns me on. so if it was a man engaging sexually i could be aroused by it, if it was a woman i could too, 2 men, 2 women, you get the idea.

my problem is.. i know that realistically i can only see myself with a woman, and if hypothetically i was to have sex it would only be with a woman, i only want to be with a woman — i still can be sexually attracted to men - or maybe better worded i can be aroused by men in sexual situations. but its not necessarily because its a man, its just because i find the act of sex regardless of gender very arousing. i like it in theory but not in practice — both sex & men

this has been a struggle for me for a while and made me deny my lesbian identity for a long time but im really trying to battle it. im just wondering if maybe im wrong. i genuinely want nothing to do with men irl. i dont want a boyfriend and i dont want to be pursued by a man. i only want to be involved with women. but can i really identity with the lesbian label if i can have a response to men in sexual situations? does that just make me bisexual but really really into women? im really unsure and its been making me feel invalid and like im faking my identity and that i shouldnt identify as a lesbian because it could be harmful, but that label brings me a lot of joy and comfort. im not sure what to do

[Sam W]

Hi kukiromu,

It sounds like this is really stressing you out, but I actually think you answered your own question when you said this:

"that label brings me a lot of joy and comfort."

What that tells me is that lesbian as an identity is the one that resonates with you, your feelings, and your experiences, which --if we choose to use a specific word for our orientation--is one of the big signs that the word we've chosen is accurate. Too, as you pointed out, the times when you do feel arousal that's connected to men are when you're consuming sexual media that you enjoy, period, and that arousal or desire doesn't translate to anything you'd want to pursue in real life. That's not to say that sexual media can't sometime clue us into an aspect of our sexuality; more that when we're trying to decide what, if any, terms to use for our orientation, we want to look at the people and relationships we'd actually want to pursue given the chance.

I'd also add that there's nothing harmful about you using lesbian as a term for yourself even if your arousal isn't directed at or activated by women 100% of the time. You're not preventing other lesbians from identifying that way or somehow diminishing their experiences; you're just using the term that feels right for you, you know?

[kukiromu]

hi sam

i appreciate the reassurance. sometimes it’s difficult to not get in my head about this stuff because other people make it so difficult to just exist. i think its hard for a lot of people to accept that sexuality can be complicated and it isnt the exact same experience for everyone else that it might be for them, which really trips me up because i dont want people to tell me im wrong about myself because it makes me feel like maybe theyre right and i dont have a clue what im talking about… in regards to myself, which makes no sense lol. nobody knows me & my sexuality better than me, right?

besides — sometimes fantasies don’t translate into real life. sometimes what we fantasise about doesnt actually appeal to us if it were to happen for real. i feel like people know this but when it comes to something that might “contradict” someones sexuality they throw it out the window for some reason

just needed somewhere to get it out of my system where there wouldnt be any possible animosity.. i feel a lot better now and less like an imposter haha

[Sam W]

I'm glad you're feeling better and that you felt safe processing this here! And I agree with you; you know yourself and your sexual orientation better than anyone else, and you're the boss of what words you use to describe it!