Scarleteen

I have been trying to understand what’s going on with me for a while. I have been sexually active since the age of 17. I get sexually aroused and “wet” but then when it’s time to get into it I feel absolutely nothing. There’s no pleasure from penetration or from clit stimulation. My obgyn keeps saying I need to see a sex therapist but what are they going to do? I need help figuring out why I’m numb to pleasure. I’ve never been able to enjoy anything. I have 3 kids btw

Hi TahjTahj, and welcome to the boards!

When you feel sexual arousal and then go to masturbate, does that initial feeling of arousal go away, or does it stay, just no physical pleasure from touching? I just want to make sure I understand you correctly first. Too, is the numbness to pleasure something that happens in general with sex, or just during masturbation?

A sex therapist can help in a few ways! They can educate you on different strategies to try while masturbating, but they can also work with you through some of the deeper reasons why pleasure may not be easy to access right now. The body and mind go together quite closely, especially with sex, and sex therapists are trained to meet at that intersection to help you work through a variety of issues, from feeling a numbness of pleasure, to even discussing trauma or other social or cultural factors that can impact one’s sex life. Does that sound like something that might be helpful to you?

It goes away after not being able to get a response from my body. It’s with masturbation and sex. I just don’t feel anything. There’s no signal that’s going through my body to let it know that I’m trying to please myself. It just feels like I’m touching myself. And when I’m having sex it just feels like.. I have something inside.

I don’t think I need a therapist. Last time I tried to talk to one she stopped reply. I just don’t think that’s something that they deal with. My doctor doesn’t seem to want to help. 3 years ago I first tried talking to a doctor about it and she told me to “worry about my pregnancy” and here I am 3 years later still with no answers. Just frustration. I be so frustrated I’ve cried about it. Because why can I feel anything?? Why can to get to have that satisfaction

Hi TahjTahj,

I'm sorry that when you've raised this in the past with doctors, you've been ignored or dismissed. It does sound like your OB-GYN is taking it seriously, hence her recommendation of a sex therapist. Do you think you could ask her for a referral or recommendation of a specific person? Or was the person she recommended the same one who stopped replying to you?

I do want to clarify that a sex therapist is a specific kind of therapist, not just a general therapist whose open to or competent in discussing sexual health issues. As Kier said, an actual sex therapist is trained to address issues having to do with, among other things, pleasure, including figuring out what's at the root of the lack of it and what someone might do to address it. If you'd like, we could also give you some support in locating a sex therapist who could work with you; if you have the option, why not at least try it to see if it helps, you know?

I do have a few other questions that might help you identify where that lack of pleasure is coming from. To start, do you experience pleasure easily in your day to day life? That could be physical pleasure, like eating something nice, but also emotional pleasure, like joy or excitement. Or do you find you struggle to take pleasure in anything?

Too, when you masturbate or have partnered sex, what would you say your mental state is? Are you engaged in and excited by what's going on, or by a fantasy or piece of sexual media. Do you feel bored or frustrated? Is your mind wandering?

I'm also curious as to how your partner is responding to all this. If partnered sex isn't pleasurable, one of the main recommendations is often to take a break from it, rather than continue engaging in something that isn't enjoyable and leaves you frustrated to the point of tears. So you and he may need to discuss taking a break from sex. Too, a respectful partner will want to know if you aren't enjoying yourself during sex and work with you to address that (however that looks, including taking a break). Do you feel like your partner is doing that?

I do also want to recommend the book" Come as You Are" by Emily Nagoski; it's incredibly accessible and really speaks to people who are struggling with sexual pleasure.

I feel as though he could have at least done little exam to get some insight before he recommended a sex therapist. Sex therapist are also expensive. I’m not sure what to do at this point. I have never told my partner that I’ve never felt pleasure before. So he does think that I’m being pleased. I enjoy seeing him be pleased though I absolutely love it. & a feeling runs through my body but it’s nothing to be omg about. I find pleasure in everything but when sex or self pleasing is involved there nothing there just an empty void waiting to be filled

I suspect that because struggles with pleasure are as often, if not more often, about our minds, that's why your OB-GYN suggested it. But if you think there could be an underlying physical cause, you could certainly as him to help you rule that out via examination.

So, I think your next step is to talk to your partner about this. Any kind of long term resolution to this frustration and lack of pleasure is going to require changes in how you and he approach partnered sex. Which means you have to be honest with him about what's going on, or you two are not going to be able to make those changes. If it would be helpful, we can talk about how to have that conversation.

Too, in addition to "Come as You Are" you two may want to read "Come Together" by the same author; her approach to issues of pleasure in partnered sex, and to creating lasting sexual connection with a partner, are very well researched and well explained.

The reason I asked about other experiences with pleasure is that sometimes a lack of pleasure with sex or masturbation is because a person is struggling with pleasure more generally. But in your case, that sound like what's going on. It does also suggest that this is less likely a physical issue and more to do with mental and emotional elements. When you go to masturbate or have partnered sex, what is your mind generally doing? What are you thinking about? What are you feeling?

It’s not that I have a sexual problem with him because he does turn me on. He gets my juices flowing it’s just the fact that I don’t get any stimulation. Something isn’t connecting in my body that’s making it hard for me to get the pleasure that I know is there. Does that make sense?

I do genuinely think it’s a physical issue. I really truly do. I feel it in my bones. I am perfectly capable to arousal just everything after that is like non existent.

I will read those books definitely.
And yes I would love to try to find a therapist. If you could find someone who takes Medicaid that’s perfect but if not I would like to explore my options.

Because I don’t get any feeling when I’m trying to please myself I do generally wonder off and start thinking about why I’m not feeling anything. I can’t stay focused because I am just so confused on what’s the problem.

Hi TahjTahj,

When you met with this gynecologist did they complete any kind of physical exam? Or are you looking for a more specific exam for your concerns specifically? You know your body better than anyone else, and because you feel so strongly it sounds like a good idea to reach out again and ask for the specific type of examination you are looking for.

When you say you are looking for a therapist would that be a general or more specifically a sex therapist? One option can be to call your local Medicaid office to ask about coverage options for the type of therapy you are looking for. I will include some links for resources on finding providers as well as ways to make sure you are finding professionals that are the best fit for you:
https://www.aasect.org/referral-directory
https://www.scarleteen.com/read/culture ... ort-online
https://www.scarleteen.com/read/feeling ... ut-therapy

He keeps saying he did but if swabbing is an exam then I’ll never figure this out. I had a prenatal appointment today and he told me that he just doesn’t know anything in that department and if he could figure it out and help he would. And that’s all he had to say. I feel like he kept beating around the bush about not being able to figure this out for me..

I specifically want a sex therapist. I feel as though a general therapist won’t be able to tell me much about what I’ve been going through.

That does sound frustrating! Taking a swab is often part of a sexual health exam, but it shouldn't be the whole of it. I will say that, if this about a lack of pleasure rather than active pain during intercourse or masturbation, that's another indicator that there is likely a mental or emotional component to all this. I know you feel there is a physical one, and that may still very well be playing a role, but if eleven years in this field has taught me anything, it's that issues with pleasure are never solely about our physical selves.

As far as sex therapists go, one person I recommend checking out is Kaci Mial. She's a coach rather than a therapist, which means she has a different certification, but her work is specifically with those who are pregnant or parenting. And since it sounds like you've been pregnant for much of the time you've been sexually active (and are so again), having a professional who is attentive to that reality could be really helpful: https://sexcoachkaci.com/programs.

As a starting place, I would use this directory to locate the sex therapists/counselors in your area: https://www.aasect.org/referral-directory. Once you see ones that look promising, you can check their websites to see if they offer sliding scale or if they talk about the kind of insurance they take and go from there.

I do want to say that regardless of how you proceed, you're still going to have to talk to your partner about all this eventually. Most of the ways of addressing this are, sooner or later, going to involve him, even if that's something like "hey, my therapist suggested we try X during sex." At a certain point, addressing a lack of pleasure during sex has to be collaborative, you know?

One other question I have is: can you give me a sense of how much experimentation you've done during masturbation? Or partnered sex for that matter? Have you tried lots of positions and kinds of stimulation, including sex toys? And have you experimented at all with how different fantasies, pieces of sexual media, or even dynamics with the other person might change the pleasure you get out of the moment?