Scarleteen

Hello. I’ve recently discovered a lot about myself, at least in the past months. Learning what I have about myself and who I actually am made me, curious to explore the parts I hadn’t. One of these has been my gender. I was born male, although I was never quite sure it fit me. When I was younger, somewhere around 12, I decided one day that I’d stop trying so hard to fit into gender norms. The ideals of masculinity, especially toxic masculinity never really settled with me. I’ve always been a sensitive person, I just wanted to be myself. Not necessarily feminine, but not really. Masculine either. I remember as I, slowly started acting differently I’d get comments from my parents. I remember feeling kinda bad that my father never really got a, son. I, still don’t feel that way. Not to say that I’m not masculine but I’m not societies version of masculine. I recently swapped my pronouns to they/them, although I’ve only told certain people. My family doesn’t know yet. I, wanted to try not being male for a change. I looked all over for pronouns that felt right but didn’t, really find any. So I chose these at least for the time being. I have no idea what my gender identity is. Sometimes I think maybe I am a man and I just need to redefine my idea of masculinity. I have nothing against he/him pronouns, but there’s certain masculine terms that I dislike. Sometimes I think maybe I am non-binary, as the pronouns are starting to settle with me. At times it feels kinda disconnecting, it takes me a minute to realize people are talking about me. But other times I hear or see them and get this, I suppose validating feeling. I’ve even consider possibly being female but I try not to think about that. It, intimidates me. I guess I’m wondering if there’s anything I can do to help me, explore this. Because I feel and have felt stuck.

Hi Skybushh,

There are indeed things you can do to explore this, and I'm so glad you feel comfortable enough here to ask about them!

The first piece I recommend is this one, just because I think coming at this process with this mindset can take at least some of the stress out of it: Gender Confusion: Being Unsure Doesn't Have to Be a Bummer. If you haven't seen it before, I also suggest checking out our Trans Summer School series: Welcome to Trans Summer School!. If any questions or thoughts come up from reading those, we're happy to talk about them here!

I'm also a fan of "The Gender Quest Workbook" because it offers so many thoughtful exercises for helping people explore their gender, so if you're able to find a copy (checking your library system, including the digital resources and E-Books, might be your best bet) I recommend it.

I do want to say that if after some gender exploration you realizes that what feels right to you is being a guy but being a guy who rejects a lot of expected elements of masculinity in favor of ways of being you like better and find less toxic, that's okay, just like realizing you connect most with another gender identity would. I think exploring our gender and actively thinking about how we feel and how we want to present ourselves to the world is a positive thing to do that gives us a deeper understanding of ourselves, regardless of the conclusion (if any) we come to.