Feeling alienated as a Southern (USA) autistic lesbian

[blondyke]

I’ve lived in the South for my entire life, and have stayed at my current home for almost a decade. I’ve known that I’m a lesbian since I was single-digits, and I’m 17 now. I’m very comfortable with my sexuality – both identity-wise and physically – but I’m single and I always have been.

Growing up, I knew that I was different from my peers. I’m autistic and therefore have never cared much about societal norms or peer pressure, and I was fine with being alone in elementary, middle and early high school. However, junior year has changed my social life completely, as I finally found a group of people that resonate with and appreciate me.

This was incredibly impactful for me as I’ve always felt that my city... isn’t the common “bigoted” Southern stereotype, but is still subconsciously very isolating to anybody that doesn’t fit a certain mold: that being a white, heterosexual, gender-conforming, neurotypical, and vanilla man or woman.

As a kinky, autistic gnc lesbian, finding a good circle has been incredible, but it’s also made me realize the effects of this isolation more than ever, as I’m seeing all of my friends with years of dating/relationship experience under their belt, exploring sex at this age – and I just feel left behind.

I’ve tried asking them for dating advice, but it’s kind of useless hearing “Put yourself out there!” from people who’s options are much less limited. Even when I meet sapphic women in my age group, we have little in common and aren’t attracted to each other. My town has essentially no queer atmosphere besides 21+ bars, and even when I turn to social media for comfort, gnc and butch women are hardly represented.

This post is kind of lengthy, and is really more of a vent than a question, but I’d really appreciate any advice from those who have been in similar situations. Though I might just have to wait until I move out.

TL;DR - Due to lagging behind the experiences of my peers, living in a homogenous culture, and lacking representation, I’ve been struggling with alienation from my communities recently.

[KierC]

Hi there Blondyke, and welcome to the boards

I’m glad to hear you’ve found a circle of peers who appreciate you, but I’m sorry to hear it’s been revealing more of the isolation you’re experiencing in your community. Truthfully, there’s a lot of societal BS that tells young people that there’s something wrong if they’re not experienced at a young age. As you know, though, that’s so unrealistic for people who have different options available. There is nothing wrong with you for doing what you can with the options you have. I hear you, though, that this still feels a bit isolating without specifically queer spaces.

While you’ll certainly have more options to look forward to when you move out, that doesn’t mean you can’t enjoy exploring your sexuality and finding queer community in the meantime. Sometimes you can find queer people who you might relate to a bit more by volunteering somewhere that interests you, like a Humane Society or art studio. I can ask the team here, too, if they have any more ideas about social media community for you. Another idea is seeking out queer media: we have a resource on how to find it here, but it can include websites, forums, fanfiction, and video games. My personal favorite way to explore sapphic media is through video games on Twine — a lot of independent queer creators make video games about their experiences there, and I’ve found it really helpful when feeling isolated.

How are you feeling about all that? Would you like to talk a bit more about what good community would look like for you?