Roommate heard our bdsm play…

[blu_envy]

Hey, pretty much what the title says.
I got a consistent sexual partner for the first time since last week, and we found out that she’s really compatible with my masochist kink, so we’ve been doing some pretty intense stuff. Last night we did a lot for hours, but only this morning I saw a text from my roommate last night saying that we were being very loud…

We have talked face to face since then and they are chill about it, it’s just very awkward and embarrassing… Especially with me being the submissive and being vulnerable in a way I never would otherwise. Feels really horrible that my roommate heard and know about that side of me…

I just want to know what I should be telling myself or what perspective I should take for me to get over the embarrassment of this… Thanks volunteers!

[Sam W]

Hi blu_envy,

Oof, having someone overhear you having sex is certainly a peril of living with other people!

One thing that may help you gain perspective on all this is that, if we're both a sexually active person AND a person who has a lot of shared living situations over the course of our lives, the odds that this happens to us at some point--or that we overhear someone else having sex--are pretty high. It's just one of those things that tends to happen when we're living in close proximity to other humans.

Too, it sounds like your roommate handled this maturely, so the worst it is is awkward. It may help to figure out for the future how you're going to minimize the chances of this happening again. That could be saving certain activities for times your roommate is elsewhere, or doing them at your partner's place, or taking noise dampening measures on your end (this piece has some advice on that: How Can I Navigate a Sexual Relationship in a Dorm Without Alarming My Neighbors?). And, depending on your relationship with your roommate, it might also be possible to give them a heads up as to when they might want to spend the night playing a video game with their headphones in or otherwise with noise filling up their space.

[blu_envy]

Hi Sam, thanks for your answer.

That’s a good point and it does help somewhat, but I think what I’m stuck on is how kinky we were being. I’ve never really tried kinks until this week and never presented myself as someone who’s openly sexual or kinky… And I don’t think I was ready to expose myself like that.

My social anxiety is telling me that this changes how they see me as a person, despite the roommate being verbally kink-friendly (tho not kinky themselves). Do I just have to take time to get over this like if I did something embarrassing in class or something? It’s making me anxious whenever I get into a sexual mood since then.

[Latha]

Hi Blu_envy,

It is understandable that you're feeling a bit shaken, since you weren't ready for people to know about your interests. Try to remind yourself that there is nothing wrong with being kinky, or with being submissive and masochistic in particular. This may be new information to your roommate, but since they are kink-friendly, it shouldn't change their perception of you in a negative way. In fact, it would be wrong for anyone to think less of you for this.

Taking time might be what you need to feel better about this. You could also look into implementing some of Sam's suggestions- that might give you some more privacy and peace of mind in the future.