Scarleteen

Hi my name is via!
I’ve come to the point where i am so confused on my sexuality and identity as a person. I was wondering if you had any advice?

I’m 16 and i’ve only ever been with boys. Sure they’re cool and all but i’ve never really felt a spark. Recently, I met this girl in PE. She’s beautiful, smart, and we immediately clicked. I was glad that I could call her my friend. I would constantly hang out with her at the chance. After 2 months she came out to me as bisexual. I didn’t really care then, as it didn’t affect our friendship at all.

One day when she came over to my house to hang out, she kissed me. I immediately pulled away feeling sorry that i might have led her on but now that i think about it, i really enjoyed the kiss. I’m so confused because i’ve always liked boys and now there is this amazing girl that likes me but i don’t know how to feel.

I haven’t talked to that girl since, even though she’s reached out to me multiple times. I feel guilty for not knowing how to feel about her, she doesn’t deserve me. My family is very religious and i know that if i come out to them as anything, they wouldn’t accept me.

Sorry for the long message and thank you for reading this!

Hi Via, welcome to Scarleteen! Don't worry, your message isn't too long.

First off, it is okay that you don't know how to feel about this girl. Sometimes feelings are complicated- that isn't your fault, and it doesn't make you a bad person. It sounds like you hadn't thought about being attracted to girls before this, so it makes sense that you need time. Also, there is your family's stance on sexuality to consider - do you think that could be contributing to your confusion?

I feel guilty for not knowing how to feel about her, she doesn’t deserve me.

I want to touch on this idea of deservingness for a second. Sometimes people talk about relationship compatibility in terms of one person deserving or being 'good enough' for another. It sounds like you think this girl is really cool, and that she deserves better than you because you don't know how you feel right now. But that isn't true- all people, including you, have inherent value.

This doesn't have to be about what people deserve or who is good enough. It might better to think of it in this way: right now, being in a relationship with her would not be a good fit for either of you since you are not yet sure of how you feel.

All this said, I think you should consider responding to her. You were good friends before this, so she might miss your company, and she could also be worried that she hurt you. If you would like, we can go over what you can say.

About your sexuality: Since your friend is bisexual, you know that it is possible to be attracted to more than one gender. You've described liking boys in the past, and now you have this experience with your friend. How do you feel about using the word 'bisexual' to describe yourself?