Help! Alot of sexual confusion in my first lesbian relationship.

[fernstalk]

I'm 19, non binary, a lesbian, and i've recently gotten into my first ever relationship, and it's going swell! I love her alot. Except, the sexual aspects of it. There's alot of confusion there for me.

For a long time I've wondered if I was ace. I've almost never thought about sex my whole life, and I feel like I'm quite naive in subjects regarding it compared to my peers.
Despite that I've always had crushes on girls growing up. So that confused me, cause obviously I felt attraction. I'd want to kiss them and hold hands and do those sorts of things. Except I never had much interest or thought about anything past that. I've never even watched porn. I've tried touching myself and it sorta just feels like nothing to me. Like... touching your elbow.
Am I faulty?

Now I have a girlfriend. I found out that I enjoy making out with her, I love the way her lips feel against mine. Sometimes, she plays with my nipples. Though, I feel absolutely nothing at all. In fact, once I fell asleep while she was doing so...
When I do that to her, it gets such a reaction out of her. That makes me feel like my body is faulty, like it isn't acting and reacting like how it's supposed to. Don't get me wrong, I love being close and intimate with her. I do enjoy sucking her breasts but I'm not sure if I enjoy the intimacy or it's a sexual thing. But it makes her really happy so I do it whenever I can. I think I do get aroused but it is so rare and so difficult to get there.

We haven't really done anything past that. All this confusion and doubt has made me really nervous with what comes next. Mostly I'm just scared I'll mess up or make her think she's doing something wrong. The thought of me getting her into orgasm does seem exciting. Yet I have no interest in her doing the same to me. As a matter of fact I don't think I want her to touch me at all down there! This is all so confusing to me.
Does anyone else have these specific feelings too?
Help!

[Nadine E.]

Hi there fernstalk,

Firstly, I'm glad to hear that your relationship has been going well! Secondly, everything you're sharing makes a lot of sense, and it's very understandable that it's been confusing.

Let me start by saying very clearly: there's nothing faulty with you or your body. We tend to get a lot of messages growing up about how we are supposed to feel sexually and assumptions are made that everyone experiences sexual desire in the same way, or at all, when that's just not the case. Just as there are people who feel sexual attraction and desire, there are also people who don't experience this at all. Even those who do experience sexual attraction and desire don't always feel those consistently throughout their lifetimes, with weeks, months or even years going by with a very low libido.

From what you're describing, it does sound like you don't experience sexual attraction or desire, but you do experience romantic attraction and desire. You also mentioned having wondered for a long time whether you were ace - could you share where you landed in that thought process or if you're still considering that possibility? You can read more here and here about asexuality specifically. But I'll highlight that you can certainly feel romantic desire and attraction without feeling sexual desire, and you may find pleasure in being intimate with your partner in many ways, including sexually, even if it isn't necessarily the sexual part that is what you are enjoying. And it's completely up to you if and how you want to engage sexually with other people.

Have you talked about these feelings with your girlfriend at all? If so, how has that gone? If not, would you feel comfortable doing so?