Mixed Messages. What does it mean?

[lovemore1995]

Hi all. I'm 19, male and in a serious relationship with a woman just a few months older than myself and she's pregnant at the moment with my son. We've known each other for around 8 years and decided to get together 2 years ago in February. Our relationship was quite good last year but has rapidly been stressing us both out. I'm close to boiling point atm.

We are great together most times. But I do get mixed messages. I'm doing all I can for her. Seeing her and spending time with her and all she wants really. I go out of my own way every day to treat her right but I don't think it's appreciated. It's obvious she loves me and I love her but the thing is. I'm not actually made known that she wants me around.

For example, the other day I went round to her house after I finished work in the afternoon. I asked her if she wanted to watch a film or something together. Her reply was "I can't be arsed as I'm not feeling too good". I thought "Ok that's fine, I understand". But was really upset about it. Yet a few hours later when I went home. I was on Skype to her and she was gallivanting around her house doing stuff for other people that could have been done by the people themselves. She then comes back on Skype and I asked her what's up and that and she said nothing was up.

To get to the point, I do stuff for her as well as other people yet when it's the other way around she likes to help and spend time with other people but just give up on me and I get to overthinking. Why is she just doing this to me? What have I done wrong? But then after the so many times she has done this, I plucked up my courage to ask her and try to speak like adults, I succeeded at first speaking like an adult but then when she says her part she's always denying things and twisting things to make me out to be the bad person. I think the only thing that makes me a bad person is caring too much tbh.

I'm just looking for advice really and to hear if anyone else has had an experience like this so at least someone will understand. Thanks all.

[Emma]

Welcome to the boards, lovemore! It sounds like you are having trouble communicating your feelings about your relationship to your partner, the most notable of which is that you feel under appreciated. You say "it's obvious that she loves me" but in the same sentence you say she doesn't let you know that she wants you around--is this what's making you feel bad about your relationship?

Even though it's hard and can be uncomfortable to be so open and vulnerable, I'd say what you have to do is let your partner know how you're feeling using "I" phrases (such as "I feel under appreciated," "I feel hurt when you neglect me in favor of other people") so as not to provoke a defensive reaction. Next, really listen to what her criticisms of you are. Is the only thing she's saying negatively about you that you "care too much?" If so, maybe you two value different things in relationships and you should consider that while you take the next steps in yours. If she has other criticisms, what are they? Do they strike a chord? How is she feeling about you?

As long as you are both honest and attentive during this conversation, you're bound to figure out some things about how to make your relationship the best it can be!

[Heather]

Also, have most of these changes hapoened since she became pregnant? I ask because being pregnant is an awfully big deal and it throws pretty much everything about your feelings and your life into a whirlwind a lot of the time. Managing relationships often is a lot harder, especially with the person whose sperm were part of the pregnancy, but honestly, just with everyone sometimes. It also can be pretty socially isolating, so someone pregnant making a lot of efforts to keep their friends around is not at all unusual.