sexual regrets?

[guitarwizard]

I, F15, had sex for the first time in January (14 at the time). My partner and I broke up maybe two weeks later, and I met up with another guy in February.
The same night I met him, we had sex. Among other bad decisions that I won't mention, we continued having sex frequently until early May... when we broke up due to my mental instability.

I knew at the time of getting with the second guy that I was still really messed up from the breakup, but I thought I would be ready to move on from it.
I was VERY wrong.
I didn't consider my mental state at all during any of these events, which was a huge mistake on my part. I clearly wasn't ready for any of this, buuuuut I decided to go for it anyway..

For lack of better words, I feel like a wh*re. Word for word, my mom said this: "You shouldn't have given it up so.. easily." (Referring to having sex with someone I met that same day)

I know I can't erase anything I've done, but is there a way to stop feeling so guilty and worthless because of it?

[KierC]

Hi there Guitarwizard, and welcome to the boards!

I’m sorry to hear about the disparaging comment your mom made, and that you’re feeling a lot of guilt around sexual decision-making. Truthfully, there’s a looooot of crappy (read: unhelpful and actively hurtful) messaging surrounding sex and sexuality that emphasizes a madonna-whore complex (not madonna like the singer, madonna like the biblical “virgin”).

The madonna-whore complex is the idea of a broken framework suggesting that “women” can *only* be either “madonnas” or “whores” …… really incorrect messaging all around there, right? In reality, the concept of virginity is entirely flawed, and having sex doesn’t make you a “whore.” Too, it’s so unrealistic for anyone to expect you to walk a tightrope between being a “virgin” and a “whore,” when neither of those ideas are accurate in themselves. It can sometimes help to remind yourself that this framework *is* flawed, and make sound sexual choices with the knowledge that your opinion and your comfort matter most. It’s important to note as well, that when you have sex and later feel bad about it, or feel like you weren’t in a good space for it, that doesn’t make you a whore either. How does that all sound?

I hear you, too, that you’ve been feeling badly after sex, and felt like it wasn’t a great time for you to have sex based on how you’re feeling. I think you acknowledging this is a great step — it’s always a good idea to check in with yourself beforehand to identify any risk factors or emotions present, and indeed after a breakup, sometimes it takes a bit more time than we anticipate to feel ready for sex with a new partner. We do have a really good resource on this: Safer Sex… For Your Heart. It goes through some of the ways that sex can feel really crappy afterwards, and how to check in with yourself moving forward. Another great one is this: Ready Or Not: The Scarleteen Sex Readiness Checklist

How are you feeling about all of this information? Do you want to talk more about where the guilt is stemming from, and how to create a more useful framework?

[guitarwizard]

The concept of virginity is absolutely flawed and outrageously sexist in general, but it's such a prominent idea in today's society that it's hard for me to remind myself of how flawed it truly is. Everyone in my age group that I've ever discussed this topic with has either said that they think less of non-virgins, or that they are saving themselves for marriage. Yes, some people have harsh opinions, and I think it's perfectly fine if someone wants to wait until marriage, but it still hurts knowing that I can't take these actions back.

[KierC]

Hi there!

I completely hear you, and it is really messed up that these negative messages about sex still exist. I know it’s really hard to let these messages go. Truthfully, the expectation that we can just let these messages roll off our backs is a big ask given how pervasive these ideas are, and how they come into play with friends and family. However, there are still things we can do to protect ourselves from these sort of messages when they come knocking.

I think one important thing you can do is set limits with people who try to comment on your choices around sex. Nobody has the right to tell you what “respecting yourself” looks like, and nobody has the right to speak on your sex life at all — even if they are close to you. Who you’ve had sex with, how many times, etc… this is all really just information for you to inform your decisions going forward, it’s not for anyone else to comment on. Too, if you need to set boundaries with people who try to do this, you can absolutely enforce that limit (and we can help, if that is hard to do!).

I hear you that you’re having trouble with guilt around sex you’ve had in the past. While you can’t take these experiences back, I don’t think you *should* either. Having sex that feels bad afterwards is a really crummy experience, and you’re certainly not alone in this, but what you can do moving forward is use these experiences as lights of information for you to use going forward. Your experiences are important to who you are, and society’s expectation that you “shouldn’t” have done something, are completely unhelpful for you moving through the world. Truthfully, it sounds to me like the experiences you had have given you a greater understanding on what it means to care for yourself sexually. You’ve articulated that this has been really painful for you, and that’s an incredibly important realization as well.

I think in general, when sex happens that you didn’t want to in hindsight, it’s most kind to ourselves to take time to physically and emotionally care for yourself. This means checking in with yourself about what happened, which you’ve done, and making a care plan — do you need physical care, emotional care? Do you need to tell someone what happened, if there was nonconsent? In all this, there’s no space for society’s messages in a self-care routine, but when they slip into your mind, call it out and name it as it is (“this is sexism,” “this is the virgin whore complex”) this can help you remember that it’s not your opinion, but society’s.

How are you feeling about all of that?