Scarleteen

Hello,

I have been diagnosed with moderate depression. Now I am unsure how this impacts my ability to consent to sex. I have a long term partner in a monogamous relationship and I would like to have sex with him but now I don't know if I can consent to it? He is very gentle and never pressures me into anything. I also avoid initiating sex when I don't feel enthusiastic about it or when I'm in a very desperate mood (not sexually desperate but more what am I doing with my life I'm awful- kind of desperate) when I feel empty. He usually doesn't initiate often, it is mostly me who does but sometimes when he does, he immediately respects it if I say no. My question is also specifically about long term relationships, not hookups as they don't concern me. Can I still consent to sex despite being depressed?

Hi Phenolphtalein,

I’m sorry to hear you’ve been struggling with depression recently. It sounds like you’ve been checking in with yourself before initiating sex, which is a really good thing to do always. I’m glad, too, that your partner listens when you say no. Does your partner know about your diagnosis and some of these worries?

I want to reassure you that you can certainly still consent to sex with your partner. You have the right to decide if, when, and how you engage in sexual activity. While having depression may certainly affect communication and mood, you’re still in charge of your body and can make decisions regarding sexual activity.

Not only is consenting to sex *possible* when you’re depressed, but it’s also really important because you may have different needs when you’re depressed. For example, if you feel more withdrawn and like it’s hard to communicate, the process of affirmative consent might be a little more of a conversation with you and your partner about your feelings and needs. This article goes through all things related to disability and consent, and it includes some relevant thoughts on depression and anxiety. It stresses the importance of checking in with yourself and your needs, and communicating that with your partner. Most important, though, it emphasizes that you are still in charge, and you’re still the expert on yourself.

How does all of that sound? Do you have any concerns with communicating these feelings or needs?