Scarleteen

Hi scarleteen staff,
A couple months ago I got a tiktok on my feed talking about Cosca and I had never heard this term before and was curious. I went down a rabbit hole and I suddenly remembered things from my childhood. Around age 7/8 I learned what it felt like down there when I rubbed against things like furniture but I’m not sure if i knew what masturbation was at this age. I remember this one time where I told my sister (5-6) I wanted to play horsey where I would get on her back and pretend to be the cowboy basically. I then remember rubbing myself against her and when I was done we went back to playing normally. I dont remember her telling me to stop or saying anything and I don’t really remember if i told her to get in that position because I wanted to know what it felt like to rub against a person or if i really was playing and the idea came to my head and i decided to act on it. I believe that the idea came to my head while playing but its hard to tell since my memory from this age isnt good. Ive read different articles trying to understand if what I did was abuse but they all say different things. Its not like I brought her to a secret room or told her to keep it a secret and Im not even completely sure I really understood what I was doing but Im scared that I somehow tricked her into doing this so I could rub against her. I dont remember doing it again after that one time but i feel so guilty thinking that I might have traumatized her and that she might one day remember and hate me. I talked to my parents about it and they say i was curious but I cant get it out of my mind and feel like a horrible person, undeserving of being happy or being in a relationship because I was possibly an abuser. Was what I did really curiosity or was it possibly Cosca?

Hi there, Jen16537

I can see that you're really struggling with this, so I'm glad you felt like you can ask about it here. I think your parents are right- this was not abuse, you were just a curious child. There are some important differences between child-on-child sexual abuse and the kind of sexual exploration and experimentation that many children (including past-you in this situation) engage in.

Let me explain. Even before children start puberty or learn about sex, they can be curious about their bodies and those of their people. Sometimes this natural curiosity manifests as children touching themselves in public, or rubbing themselves on objects or other people. This tends to happen as a part of play, and on its own it isn't bad. Kids just need to learn about when and where this behavior is appropriate.

COCSA is different in that it is characterized by the deliberate use of force and coercion by a child on another for sexual gratification. There is often a significant power imbalance of some kind, and the behavior doesn't stop when one participant indicates that they are uncomfortable or that don't want to continue. The term was actually made to discuss sexual abuse between older children- preteens and teenagers who are not yet adults but should have enough understanding of subjects like sex, consent, and appropriate behavior with other people.

Despite your fear, I think a part of you recognizes that this was not the case with you and your sister. You didn't know all that much about what you were doing yourself. You just explored something new for a moment, and went back to playing on your own.

It sounds like the idea that you might have hurt your sister is really bothering you. From your description, it seems quite possible that your sister didn't notice anything- which makes it unlikely that she experienced trauma from this. But even if there was some harm, it would not be irreparable. None of this makes you a horrible person who is undeserving of happiness or positive relationships.

How does this sound to you?

That helps me a lot. I think I just needed some confirmation since I was afraid I was somehow just trying to justify what I did. Thank you.

You're so welcome, and I'm so glad Latha's response was helpful for you <3