26 year old female, never had sex or mastrubated.

[Dina]

Hey! I am a 26 year old female and I have never had sex or mastrubated. I always thought I am heterosexual but I am suddenly not sure anymore since I never got intimate with anyone. In fact I've never kissed anyone either. I like boys in general but I never felt the urge to start a relationship with anyone or felt hot for the real life boys I have around me. When I am approached by boys interested in me, I tend to freak out about making a mistake and ending up broken hearted like my mother. I have never had a boyfriend either for the same reason. I either feel like they'll use me and leave or they're not worthy of me. I love romantic novels and erotica. I love heterosexual literature and at some point I even wrote really sexy erotica about heterosexual characters, so fantasies are not the problem. I find myself getting turned on and wet when I read kinky literature, especially ones which either involve true love or sometimes extreme BDSM. But when I try to touch myself, I don't get anywhere near an orgasm. Sorry if that's TMI but I am really confused as to why I can never get myself off at the very least. This is becoming increasingly frustrating. I never paid much attention to it initially but now I am starting to feel stupid and too old for this problem. Is something wrong with me?

[Sam W]

Hi Dina,

Let me start by reassuring you that you aren't broken or stupid or anything like that, and that you're not "too old" to be experiencing this. We each come into our sexuality in our own ways and at our own pace, and you're far from the first person in their twenties I've talk to who's in this situation.

It does sound like you're masturbating, but that you're not reaching orgasm when you do. Can you give me a sense of whether you enjoy masturbation otherwise? Is it pleasurable for you? Or do you spend the whole time feeling bored, uncomfortable, or some other not all that fun emotion?

When it comes to your sexual orientation, someone doesn't need experience in dating or sex to understand what theirs is, though sometimes experience helps them get clarity on it. Do you ever experiences attraction, crushes, things of that nature to people other than men? Do you fantasize about genders other than men? Or does it seem like men are primarily--or solely--where your interest is.

Too, it's pretty common to be in your mid-twenties and not be in a relationship or have had much, or any, relationship experience. Would you say dating is something you're actually interested in and want to do? Or is it more that you feel like it's something you SHOULD do but, if you had the choice, you wouldn't do it?

[Dina]

Hey! Thanks for the reassurance. I am pretty busy with my career to actually worry about this most of the time but I am taking some time off now and I am more concerned about it now as a result.
I have always been in girls school till I was 18 so I didn't have any interaction with boys up untill I got into college. I was shy and guarded and while I was able to have some as friends, I never felt comfortable with the idea of dating the people I knew. I looked at my friends as friends only. I've never felt attraction to any other gender than men though. I do like boys, it's just that I've never liked someone enough to date them or get intimate. I want to do it the right way and when it feels right but I am starting to think it never will. I've seen my friends enter meaningless relationships and then breakup and eventually move on. I don't want that for myself.
When it comes to mastrubation, I can say that pressing my thighs together feels good but I don't orgasm from just that. I find myself unable to get into the mood and confused what to actually do when I try something else. I am not sure but I could be stressing out too much about it I guess and as a result I give up the idea altogether and move on. I am well aware of anatomy and everything but it's all theoretical knowledge that I don't know how to apply practically. I am really overthinking it I think.

[Sam W]

Thank you for that context, it's really helpful!

Can you say a little more about what doing dating the "right" way looks to you? And when you say you've seen friends enter meaningless relationships, what about them seemed meaningless? Was it just that they ended?

With masturbation, if you're finding it hard to get in the mood, then that may be playing a big role in why it feels underwhelming. And it does sound like this is causing you some stress, and stress is one of those things that makes it hard to get aroused. What if you spent some time not only exploring your fantasies more to see what helps you feel aroused (this is a great piece for that: How to Approach Sexual Fantasy and Desire on Your Own Terms), but also just exploring your body in a non-goal directed way, where you're just trying to see what kinds of touches feel good to your genitals or to other areas, rather than on trying to masturbate "correctly" or reach an orgasm?