Sexual compatibility issues and struggling without porn

[telefrog]

I am a guy, recently turned 22, and in my first sexual relationship, with my girlfriend of almost 8 months, who is 19. We are currently going through a long-distance period during summer break. We have been quite happy and were somewhat sexually active during school up to the point of oral sex in either direction, but we are waiting on penetrative sex. The sexual experiences have been pretty good. There have been struggles with me being able to orgasm (which we are both trying to remember does not have to be the goal of sex), her unpacking some shame from growing up in conservative environments, and me not really being able to enjoy giving her oral sex for various reasons, but overall it was OK. However, internally I have been struggling a lot worse than I have let on because I feel utterly unable to express what I worry about to her.

So, I identify as bisexual and going into the relationship, I didn’t have super concrete ideas about what I needed in a sexual relationship or what I would want or not want the most. However one thing I always knew is that I am very attracted to the penis as an object of sexual desire, and I am very interested in both giving oral sex and receiving anal sex in that manner. I communicated to her early on that I was more attracted to penises than vulvas (we are both cis), but it was a very brief moment. She asked jokingly if “it was a problem that I have a vagina” and I lightheartedly said that it wasn’t.

At that time I still wasn’t sure of some things but in retrospect I shouldn’t have treated the interaction like nothing, and I should have said “I’m not sure.” I am physically attracted to her very much and I care for her emotionally very deeply, but I have come to realize that penises are VERY important to me sexually, and that unfortunately my genital preference is pretty much exclusive. I feel zero attraction to her vulva, and I have communicated that with difficulty. At a later time we also had a very difficult conversation where I was able to admit, and I remember my exact words, that I felt we were incompatible and “I don’t think I can be in a relationship with someone who doesn't have a penis.” I am sure she remembers this, but I think the way that she took the meaning was simply that anal sex was a sexual need of mine, and she reassured me that she was totally interested in pegging (because we had discussed it before). I don’t think she understands the difference there is to me between a sexual act and attraction to genitalia, because she is demisexual and primarily attracted to me as a person and not to my body or genitals. I was so relieved that our relationship had not instantly ended that I lost sight of the fact that I had not really laid out the situation (that penises are a direct object of desire to me) and I fell back into a pattern of ignoring my worries.

I feel a lot of shame about the fact that I feel this is so important to me that it could end our relationship, but no matter how much I try to ignore it, I cannot change what I desire so much. When I fantasize about sex involving penises, I am far more easily aroused and far, far more easily able to orgasm than when my girlfriend and I fool around. I think about how strong my desire is and it causes me serious mental distress. Some of this comes from the shame that I am still more attracted to female bodies and femininity than male bodies and masculinity, and I feel most aroused by the idea of a female partner with a penis, but I have never admitted this to ANYONE EVER because I am so ashamed by the idea of being a “chaser.” Sometimes when I am with my girlfriend I will catch myself wanting to engage with her penis, except that she doesn’t have one and never will. I know that oral and anal sex are both possibilities with a strap-on, but I also know that there is something in my mode of attraction that is deeply connected to the presence of a penis, and I absolutely don’t want my girlfriend to feel like she is changing her body so that I will be more attracted to it, or that she is providing a “poor substitute” for me (I know this is not what straps are like for everyone, but I think it will be like this for me). Especially because she is insecure about her body and very concerned with the idea of me being content with just her. I also feel very ashamed and wrong that I can’t just be content with the idea of using a strap, and I don’t know why I am so fixated on the “real” thing. I have thoughts that if I just cared more, I would work with her to find solutions and be happy with the sex we can have, but I know deep down that it probably would not be workable. I know I have done a horrible job at communicating and it is wrong for me to stay so silent about these thoughts, but I can’t bear the idea of explaining all this to her.

Moving on, the second thing that is bothering me is that I have given up pornography for her sake. She has trauma which is somewhat related to porn and has a lot of opinions on its harmful nature. She told me early on that she couldn’t be in a relationship with me if I watched porn, and although porn had been the sole expression of my sexuality for many years prior, I immediately made the decision to go cold turkey so I could be with her. I had absolutely no idea what it would be like for me, because I had not been without it for as long as I had had sexual desires. I couldn’t have predicted anything.

To be clear, since that day I have NEVER intentionally looked at pornography. If I come across it I try my best to avoid it. I have absolutely kept my promise to this day, because it was the right thing to do. But it has become more and more difficult to ignore my desires. About two weeks ago I explained to her that I have been thinking about the porn that I used to watch when I masturbate, instead of about her, because it is easier for me to get aroused and orgasm that way. Once again, I thought that it would be the end of our relationship, but she told me that she was OK with me using those memories to masturbate, she just wanted me to be in the moment when we are together (makes sense) and she couldn’t have “anything new.” I was shocked once again and I kept trying over and over to get myself to express what really worried me, which is that I miss porn, but it was almost physically painful to try, and I gave up. She has previously had full panic attacks if the topic of porn is brought up (although she seemed OK during the last conversation) and that is part of the reason I am so unable to speak about it.
The porn that I used to watch and associated fantasies primarily feature penises, and I think my girlfriend is preoccupied with the idea that the porn I think of is focused on female bodies that I would compare to her own, rather than bodies with fundamental differences to hers. At a surface level I have tried to explain that I never watched typical “male-gaze” porn and that I gravitated towards illustrated sexual images, but she doesn’t understand that the world of my innate sexual desires isn’t one that can ever really be fully integrated into our sex life, simply because of the way her body was born. And therein lies the reason for the way that not being able to watch porn makes me feel.

I feel repressed, ironically more so than I did before I was in a sexual relationship. Because my deepest desires are so destructive to the shape of our relationship, I feel very sad and ashamed of them and I wish that I wasn’t bisexual anymore, that I could cut out the part of my brain that, as a close friend crudely and accurately put it, “craves dick.” I really, really love my girlfriend and I have been tortured by this problem so much that I have frequently felt like dying rather than hurting her. But the more I openly let myself fantasize about the things I want, the more I really, really wish that I was still able to watch porn, and it hurts me to think about how much I want it. This has reached a peak and I have been an emotional mess for weeks while pretending I am OK.

I am planning to explain how I have been feeling about the porn agreement very soon, and while yes, I have recounted two previous times that I expected our relationship to end and it didn’t, I really don’t see how we can keep going after this. I don’t see a future where she will feel secure while I am watching porn. I don’t see a future where she consents to opening our relationship to other sexual partners. And I don’t see a future where I will stop wanting the things that I want.

I mainly came here to get this all out, but my primary question is this: Scarleteen, do you think it’s OK for my girlfriend to disallow me from watching porn? I can see it as an extension of a “don’t have sex with other people” agreement, but other people I know have disagreed. My girlfriend has told me that a mutual friend called it “unfair,” although I have not yet heard that from the horse’s mouth. Also, as soon as I mentioned the situation to my best friend, she disapproved, called it “[girlfriend]’s first red flag,” and said that it was a case of controlling behavior being used to deal with insecurity (which it is, but I protested that I ultimately made the decision to stop). People around us seem to think it is wrong. I want more opinions before I bring everything about it to my girlfriend.

I am also open to words of general advice regarding the other topics.

-telefrog

[Latha]

Hi Telefrog, welcome to the boards!

I do have some other thoughts, but I’ll try to address your question first.

Generally speaking, we don’t think it is wrong for people to be interested in porn. We know that plenty of people watch and read porn without hurting their relationships. If someone watches porn, it doesn’t mean that they are not committed to their relationship, that they are not attracted to their partner, or that they can’t be present during sex with them.

That said, everyone gets to have preferences about who they want to be in a relationship with. If your girlfriend only wants to date people who don’t watch porn, that is a boundary she gets to have for herself. But rules about what kinds of behavior are acceptable in a relationship have to be made mutually and agreed to freely. Perhaps your friends sense that this is something she wants and that you have accepted rather than something you are comfortable with on your own. Though she may not have intended it, it seems like you’ve agreed to these terms under pressure. First, the pressure of a new relationship with someone you like when you didn’t fully understand your needs. After, the pressure of not wanting to hurt her.

I think this is a major reason why you’ve been struggling to communicate with her. You know that your girlfriend has strong opinions on porn that are at least in part related to trauma. You know that she has insecurities about her body and that she is afraid of not being enough for you. It is quite possible that being honest about you needs will hurt her, despite your best intentions. I understand this, but I still think it is the best course of action- for both of you, in the long run.

It might feel like you are ending something good over one small thing. You are happy together. You’re physically attracted to her and care for her very much. You don’t take that for granted so you’ve made serious efforts to adjust despite your reservations. But this isn’t a small issue if it is causing you so much distress. You cannot build a lasting relationship on these foundations. I think you are right that, under the current circumstances, this relationship isn’t workable for you.

When you discuss this with her it might help emphasize that this is not about her or her body not being enough for you. She is just fine- it is just that your needs are not compatible. If you want, we can help you think about how to have this conversation.

You don’t need to be ashamed of liking female bodies and femininity while also being attracted to penises. That doesn’t make you a chaser. As I understand it, chasers fetishize trans women for the genitals they assume they have (because not all trans women have penises) without actually respecting them as people. So long as you don’t make your desires more important than another person’s comfort and consent, you’ll be fine.

I want to add this just in case: if you feel like harming yourself, please consider contacting a helpline. We’ll still be here to talk about this afterwards- they are just more equipped to help you with a crisis since they have the necessary training and can respond quickly.

[telefrog]

Thank you Latha. It helps just to be able to express this to anyone at all.

I appreciate what you said that it was "not about her not being enough for you" because I have not really made a distinction in my mind between "not enough" and "incompatible" but you are right that it's not really the same thing. That is something valuable I will be able to take with me.

When I imagine having the conversation the first thing I do is just lay out the baseline that not being able to watch porn is making me feel very bad and I don't want to keep feeling like that. If she knows that it is hurting me that will already be a huge change from how things are and we can work from there. Again I don't really see a resolution but I know that more than anything she wants me to be happy. So I just want to start with that and I hope that I can avoid going into details that would be painful for her to hear, at least for right now. I really have no plan other than just getting that first point out and listening to how my heart knows I will feel in various possible situations. It has been hard enough and I will absolutely not risk another stretch of time where I know I will be pained by my circumstances.

[Latha]

Hi Telefrog,

Good luck with the conversation!

One thing I want to add:

Again I don't really see a resolution but I know that more than anything she wants me to be happy.

She may offer to adjust her position on porn use because she cares for you, but I'm not sure that will address all of your concerns. Do you think you would be happy in this relationship if you could explore your attraction to penises through porn? If not, you might need to discuss the fact of your attraction and how it makes the two of you incompatible. You can try to phrase it kindly, but circling around the issue might end up being confusing and more painful for her.

[Sam W]

Hi Telefrog,

In addition to what Latha said, I want to note that it feels like there are two interlocking issues here that you, and likely she, will need to talk about. One is the limit around using sexual media and the fact that just isn't something you find workable for you in a relationship. The other is your curiosity about or desire for bodies with penises, and whether that's something you're able to explore within the boundaries of the relationship (I'd point out that written sexual media could be a way to do that, as could a sex toy that your girlfriend wears). Since those two issues are linked, I do think you may end up having to bring them both up in this conversation with her.

Too, I'd be prepared for a couple of things when you have that conversation. One is to make sure that you're able to make clear to her why you're bringing this up and if you're asking something of her by doing so. The other is to be prepared for the possibility that you two end up deciding that it's the kindest call for both of you to end this relationship; that may not be a fun outcome to contemplate, but it's worth being prepared for so you're not totally blindsided if it does happen.

[telefrog]

Hello everyone. I wanted to post an update.

On the night of the 10th, I broke up with my girlfriend. I started with my concerns about porn and, as Latha predicted and I couldn't have imagined, she did actually suggest that the agreement could change in the future and she didn't want it to have to stay the way it is. This actually made it more difficult for me because I had to really get into the heart of the problem and why I really didn't think even if I had that again I would feel comfortable. She seemed unable to understand that this was something I understood so deeply to be a problem we couldn't resolve within the bounds of a monogamous relationship. She wanted me to try alternatives and refused to hear that I couldn't see it happening. Ultimately I realized that even though it was terribly difficult, I actually did want to break up with her, and I had to do that. So I did.

We have been adjusting to this and communicating a little since then. Everything has been as amicable as it can be and we believe we can be friends again after this. However right now it's still very hard for us both and I am feeling empty and lost over this as well as guilty.

Thank you all for the support and advice. I have support in friends and family but anything you all would have to say might be helpful for me in this time as well.

[Sam W]

Hi telefrog,

Thank you for the update! Rough as they can be, it sounds like breaking up might have been the kindest choice you could make for both yourself and for her. In case you haven't seen it yet, I really do love our article on breakups as a starting place for figuring out what to do with all the feelings that can come in the wake of them: Getting Through a Breakup Without Actually Breaking

Too, I think it might help to ask yourself why you're feeling guilty about this. Sometimes, if we can identify the source of our guilt, we can work out what, if anything, we can do to address those feelings.