Documentation

[Donnwannago]

I was just informed that after two years (almost 6 months next door to hell, and just over18 months in heaven) that the state has determined that, despite all of the data from every study ever performed by anyone, I would be returned to the custody of my former abusers by the end of the month.

My abusers were exemplary prisoners, looked "smart" in orange scrubs, served their (laughable as the result of a plea-bargain) sentences without abusing anyone in the "big house", and they promise that they've learned their lesson.

And you know what? Pigs can fly.

So, I am looking for pointers and advice on how to keep a record of my interactions with them to use in the future legal proceedings that are absolutely guaranteed to occur.

Obviously, I will not be in school, or anywhere else that people would notice that I was not for two months or so. I will be 24 miles from my former school and friends, and once I leave my foster parents I won't have any money, means of transportation, or electronics at my disposal.

[Sam W]

Hi Donnwannago,

I'm so, so sorry that you're facing down being returned to an incredibly unsafe and abusive space, doubly so since it sounds like your current foster situation is a positive one. We can absolutely brainstorm with you how to document any abuse that happens, but there may also be ways you could either further delay or avoid being sent back entirely that we might be able to help you navigate.

Since you're in the foster system, theoretically there should be a caseworker (I say theoretically because I know these systems tend to be understaffed). Do you have one that you know of? If so, what's your relationship like with that person?

Something that may also work in your favor here is that these people (I'm assuming they're your biological parents or other family, but please correct me if I'm wrong) are going to be under some degree of supervision themselves once they're no longer incarcerated, since there will likely be a parole officer involved. That does introduce another person you could alert if the abuse starts again.

As far as documentation goes, can you give me a little more context for the location you'll be moving back to if you're returned to them? Is it isolated enough that even going somewhere on foot isn't workable? Have you been told the plan is to homeschool you, or once the summer is over will you at least be able to go back? And with electronics, is it that you have none that you own that don't belong to your foster family? Or is it more that part of the abuse in the past has been to prevent you from having any as a means of isolating you?

I do also want to float the idea that, depending on where you live, you may be at the age where if you leave, you won't be automatically returned to them, so you may also be able to make a plan where, at the first sign of things getting bad, you get the heck out of there (there's also the option of emancipation, but that's likely to take a bit longer overall).

[Donnwannago]

Hi,

You may want to edit some or all of this. I've tried asking questions at other sites and they were rejected for "violating community standards" (wow! they don't condone rape!) or edited because I was 13 when the man my biological parents bought drugs from raped me in my bed, in my bedroom, as the three of them partied.

It wasn't the first time, or second, or fifth time someone had sexual contact with me while my parents were home. They allowed it, probably worked out a trade with their dealer for my virginity. Of course, mom's dad had taken that long ago, but if you surprise someone and are rough they'll bleed and if you are high (like he was) you will believe what you want to believe.

They held me as a literal prisoner for three days, made me bathe over and over again, and mom gave me a douche, before I escaped and went to a friend's house. The friend's mom called the police and I made several formal sworn statements.

But the police and prosecutor didn't feel like working when they could sit and drink coffee so they made my abusers a sweet-heart deal. They lied on the stand and said that they were stoned and didn't know what was happening, and they didn't believe me when I said I'd been raped, and they never bathed me, douched me, or kept me locked in my room. That I had done all of those things myself. But now they knew why.

Then they made a plea-deal with the rapist.

My parents could have been sentanced to 60-years each for C-felonies, and the drug dealer 80-years for a B-felony. He accepted a lesser drug distribution felony. My parents got sentenced to over a year each on a felony evidence tampering charge and were released into a supervisory half-way house deal for ex-addicts after a few months inside.

This is hillarious! Because they got clean. (Yeah! They didn't do illegal drugs while in state prison! What fucking will-power!) Then they were released early from the half-way house, apparently because they learned that pimping their 13-year-old daughter for drugs is "bad parenting", and promised not to do it again.

Do I come across as angry? I have actually been told that I do.

My parents were not required to surrender their parental rights, perhaps someone figured that they would have spent two years in prison by which time that would have been moot.

I have a useless @#$@ * of ^#$% of a CPS caseworker who is pushing for "reunification" and tells me that I "need to" accept my abusers apologies in order to move on. I replied that if my parents admitted that they knew and benefited from the fact that I was being sexually abused, and that they held me prisoner. That they lied in court when they said that I, not they, destroyed evidence. And they did something. Not for me, because I never want to speak to either of them again, but if they moved to Botswana or Peru and dug wells or something, I would forgive them.

The caseworker went off on me, telling me what a presumptuous PoS I was. How I needed to StFU about my parents' committing perjury because it could result in my rapist getting a new trial. And how he was the "real villian" while my parents were just ex-addicts who didn't know what they were doing and deserved a second-chance.

Both myself and my parents will be supervised. One time per week, which means three times a month for CPS, I don't know if P&P is different. So, if they kill me right after my case worker leaves they will only have six days and some odd hours to [edited to remove some of more graphic language].

They aren't "educated" like my social worker. I'm not sure they see the distinction that she does between my giving the police and prosecutor sworn statements that led to a plea-deal and my testifying against them in court.

I've spent the last 19 months with a very nice, albeit completely clueless Christian family whose life revolves around their church. My social worker despises them because they say things like "Jesus / God will provide" and she can't see past all the "sky-daddy bullshit". The church is a fat, dumb, happy, and mostly white country club where they have read the 10 Commandments, so there is no need to actually read the book. They don't care if you are Hispanic or queer just as long as you don't steal their SUV or covet their Beretta over-under shotgun with the Walnut-burl stock.

They don't just pray for "sky-daddy" to do something, the country club has a food pantry, organizes school supply give-away days in late August and sent people to Mexico and Haiti after natural disasters. They say that they put all the money the state paid them for my care in a savings account and will give it to me when I'm 18. I can't know if that is true, but they introduced me around the church and I've made friends there, which led to my making friends at school. So, I'd bet they were not lying to me. I wish that I could figure out a way to stay.

Before I went into state custody my parents lived in a city of 25,000 or so, this is a town of maybe 5,000, and it's 24 or so miles away. My step-parents tried to get CPS to reconsider because 19 months ago I showed up here with about a 4th grade education and after two full years and a summer session I have caught-up to my grade level. Had I stayed I would have taken some summer classes here as well, but "reunification" and maintaining segregation is far more important to CPS. I might look at all of these white people and think that I can be like them. Can't have that!

They were told not to "interfere" with my transfer. And although they disagree with it, I don't think they will. But another member of the church gave me a cellphone that he owns and is on his plan to take back to the city with me. Talking to a lawyer, and she's someone who does estate planning so this isn't her thing, I was told that my parents could likely get away with seizing the phone if they said it was a distraction or that I had misbehaved. (Like maybe for making too much noise as I am being raped?)

So, my current plan is to make a schedule for my friends here to call me on it, and if I don't reply within say an hour, call CPS and the police. My social worker says that I am "exaggerating and showing immaturity". Being an adult, I guess she knows, just like my parents who said that I took 21 showers and baths in three-days before I decided to report being raped.

I really am a dumbass.

Sorry, sometimes all the anger comes out in snide little comments.

I don't know if my parents will send me to school or not. They didn't prioritize it before. I was enrolled somewhere once, they just said that I was being home schooled if anyone asked. Actually homeschooling me might involve the use of a computer. I doubt that they would allow that as it would give me a means of communication with the outside world.

Thanks for reading.

PS: Depending on how the transfer actually happens I was thinking about just walking away if I had the opportunity. Everyone tells me not to. Because, laughably, something as bad as what I already experienced with my parents might happen if I DON'T go with them.

[Sam W]

So you know, I did edit a few bits, just to keep in line with our guidelines around descriptions of violence, but we're certainly not going to ban you from talking about what happened here (and I made sure to leave it so that it was clear what you were expressing concerns about).

For the record, you don't need to apologize for being angry, because this is a truly enraging situation, and it sounds like the people who are in charge of the reunification are not taking your concerns, nor the abuse that happened, seriously. I have a LOT of thoughts about a caseworker who tells a survivor they, and not the survivor, are the experts on who poses a risk to them, but those aren't terribly relevant right now.

I think asking your friends to keep in contact with you is a really, really smart piece of planning. I'd also push, if you haven't already, for an explanation from your social worker of what your recourse is if your parents go right back to creating an unsafe space for you or do things like refuse to put you in school. It's not immature to say you still have concerns about your safety; yes, people can change, but in a situation like this a decent social worker would want to have a plan in place for what happens if old behaviors come back.

Too, at any point in this process were you put into contact with a rape crisis counselor or advocate? I ask because that's yet another resource you could draw on that would take what happened to you, and what you fear might happen again, seriously, and depending on their services they may be able to provide you with an advocate who could be present during certain interactions.

If you're comfortable telling me, can you give me a city or zip code for where you're going to be when you're sent back to your parents? That can help us figure out on our end what resources you might have to fall back on, including places like shelters if you decide it's time to get out, and help you work out some plans for what to do next.

[Donnwannago]

If I send you a zip code will you delete it so it is not posted?

Thanks

[Sam W]

If you want to send it, I can note it down and then delete the post.

[Sam W]

Got it, thank you for sending that, that makes it easier on our end to figure out who we could connect you to!

Do you know what the structure of the reunification plan is going to be? Are there going to be supervised visits of shorter durations, or have you been told that the plan is just to move you from your foster family to your bio family all in one go?

Too, if you weren't connected with a rape crisis center at any point, that's for sure something I'd suggest doing, both because you deserve that additional support, and because there might be a way to have an advocate with you in certain situations who takes what happened seriously but ALSO has the weight of some kind of institutional authority behind them. We can help you find that resource if you want.

With the phone, if your bio parents do not know you have it, don't let them know you do. In other words, if they don't know you have a phone, they can't take it from you and cut you off (we can talk more about how to keep it hidden as needed). If they, or your caseworker for that matter, know already that you have one, a sound next step would be to get a burner phone that only you know about OR to get a "decoy" phone they can take away.

Speaking of your caseworker, if you feel up for it, you may want to report some of their behavior, or ask to be transferred to a new caseworker. Yelling at you, telling you to accept your abuser's apologies, and generally not taking your safety seriously are not okay. For context, I have a Masters of Social Work, meaning they and I likely got drilled on the same professional standards of care and ethics and boy howdy are they not following them. Too, if you try to safety plan with them, including asking what you should do if your parents fall into old patterns or you feel unsafe at home, and they refuse to do that, that's also something to report them for (or we can do that on your behalf).

[Donnwannago]

Thank you,

My social worker has a BSW, not a MSW, but I imagine professional standards are the same.

I would like to report her.

I think that the plan is for her to come here and drive me to my abusers (I will never call them my "family") and then to check in on me in three days, then a week, and supposedly every week after that. But the state standard for "weekly visits" is "at least three times a calendar month" so that's what's become the theoretical maximum. So, if they get sick or busy it's less.

I will ask her EXACTLY what the contingency plan is. My guess is that there is not one. When I complained that three days was an eternity, I was told that I "had to give it three days to know whether it was working". So, I guess if they break my arm in the first hour, don't feed me for a day, and rape me a couple of times in the first two days the "jury will still be out" since I have to "give it three days". (Yeah, that'll be edited out.)

My foster family "mentioned" the situation to someone at the church and that person gave me a cell-phone that isn't connected to me or my foster-parents. I was told to keep the "new one" hidden with the ringer turned off. That is the phone I will give friends the number to. I was also told not to hide my foster-parents cell-phone and to surrender it if the social worker or my abusers demanded it.

No, CPS did not set me up with ANY counseling whatsoever. See, I was just the 13-year-old who was raped, not the poor misunderstood and confused parents who didn't know that they shouldn't be trading their daughters ass for blow. As I understand it, I am only in the CPS system because my parents were arrested and incarcerated. No formal rape charges were ever filed. Ergo, so far as the court and CPS are concerned, I was not raped. I wasn't even "abandoned" technically speaking.

Of course, this whole time the county prosecutor was telling my rapist and my abusers that if they did not sign the plea-deals that my "allegations" would be "investigated", and if they were found to be even partially substantiated, the prosecutor would have no choice but pursue the maximum possible prison sentence (80 and 60 years respectively) against them. All three caved and signed. Of course, my abusers got a much better deal in exchange for their perjured testimony against my rapist.

But, CPS still says there is no evidence that I was raped. In a way I suppose that is true because, three years later, they still have not looked for any evidence.

I don't like saying that I am a victim. I was raped.

Some people don't like that I say it. Fuck them, they should be thankful that it's only a concept that is hurting their tiny little brains, not something they experienced. They want me to shut up. They either don't want to believe that people are raping 11, 12, and 13-year-olds. Or they themselves are raping 11, 12, and 13-year-olds and don't want anyone mucking up all of their fun.

I'm sorry if I come across as being angry. I am. But, I also appreciate what you are doing.

[Heather]

Donnwannago, I just wanted to briefly poke my nose in to let you know that you aren't alone here as a rape survivor from assaults in your pre-teens and early teens. I'm also someone here who was assaulted in those ages, and I know what you mean when you say that people can tend to get particularly reactive or avoidant when faced with those realities (even though they are realities, in fact, 12-17 is the most common age window for those of us who have been assaulted to have been assaulted). I also understand being in the position where people and institutions of authority did not recognize or validate assault that happened.

You have every right to be angry about this and more, and please know that your anger is okay with us here. I'm glad for your well-being that you are able to and allowing yourself to feel it. <3

[Sam W]

You know, as odd as this may sound, I'm glad you're angry because 1) you have every right to be and 2) often anger in these situations is a thing that helps motivate us to advocate for ourselves.

That plan to reintroduce you to them is really not how this is supposed to go; often there's supposed to be supervised contact for a short time, then you go back to your foster family, then the periods of visitation get a little longer. It's extra egregious to me that they're doing this after two years of you being with foster family, but sadly my own knowledge of CPS is that it's often working with too few people and too many cases, so how things should be done isn't followed as often as it should be. I'm saying this mainly to affirm that you're not wrong to think they're approaching this a really bad, dangerous way, because they are.

It sounds like you've got the phone situation handled. Is the family friend who gave it to you someone you otherwise have a positive relationship with? Or maybe someone with some background in helping survivors of abuse or assault? I ask because it sounds like they knew this was going to be a lifeline and a hidden phone, and like someone in your circles now is giving you some sound advice on how to hold onto a phone in an abusive situation, and that person might be able to keep helping.

I'm so sorry, and so angry on your behalf, that CPS did not give you ANY resources or supports around the assault. I did look, and the resource closest to you is CASDA (type in that plus your town name and it should pop up). They do have advocacy services to help survivors understand and leverage their rights, as well as some legal experts on staff, and those are what you might want to inquire about first. They also have other counseling and services you can use, but I'm suggesting the advocacy and legal services as the priority since they stand the best chance of helping you not go back into an unsafe home.

With your caseworker, are you comfortable involving the family you're with now in the process of lodging a complaint and/or asking for transfer? I ask because it might help to have the request coming from an adult (which is B.S, but that's the system we're dealing with). If you're not comfortable involving them, we can also walk you through it or, if you'd like, lodge the report ourselves (I don't think the request to transfer would hold weight coming from someone who isn't more directly involved in your care, or I'd offer to do that as well).

With the contingency planning, can you and your family agree that if your social worker can't outline a safety plan for you, you're going to raise a fuss about it and they'll back you up? If you want, and depending on when you next talk to the caseworker, I can give you some language that you or your family can use that might give your concerns the best chance of being heard and taken seriously.

[Donnwannago]

Hi,


Thank you for CASDA-***** I will contact them.

I would definitely like to lodge a complaint and ask for a transfer.

I will ask for assistance, but would also like to be walked through it.

I plan to ask EXACTLY what the safety plan is, and would love to have language that we can use to help our appeal be taken more seriously.

Thank you

[Sam W]

I do think that the more people who raise a fuss, the better the chances of the objections to the reunification being taken seriously. And I'm glad the CASDA referral was helpful, hopefully they're able to offer you some form of support once you contact them.

When it comes to asking for a transfer and lodging a complaint, you'll want to look at the website for the branch of CPS attached to your county to see if you can find a staff list and who is the supervisor of the case workers. Alternatively, if that's proving too convoluted, you could try reaching out to whoever handles the admin for CPS and ask who you should contact if you wanted your case switched to another worker.

Once you're in contact with the appropriate person, you'll want to explain the concerns you and your family have about how this case is currently being handled. You're going to want to do this as dispassionately as possible; you and I know you have every reason to be angry, but as your case worker has demonstrated, you being appropriately freaked out and upset at the prospect of being in an unsafe situation can be read by someone as you being "immature." I'd also ask whether it's standard practice to go straight from living with your foster family to living with you bio family, rather than their being shorter visitations that build up over time.

I'd suggest writing out a list ahead of time of the issues you've mentioned to me, and others that you haven't if they seem relevant. You're looking for instances where your concerns were dismissed or minimized, or if there were instances where your caseworker yelled at you or told you to stop talking about about given incident or concern. If you caseworker has said things to you outright stating she thinks your foster family isn't a good placement for you because they're religious, you'd also want to note that; a caseworker shouldn't be prioritizing their own feelings about faith over your experiences with your family.

I'd also draw attention to the thing where she's telling you to forgive your parents and that the person who assaulted you is the only "real" villain here. You're going to point out that this is not in line with the practice of trauma-informed care (that's the term you want to use); any social worker should know that pushing someone to forgive the kind of abuse you did, and clearly disbelieving you about how it played out, carries the risk of re-traumatization (another phrase to use). You could also point out that your experience as a survivor has not been taken seriously, period; even if there was no legal conviction of sexual assault, your caseworker could have easily referred you to rape crisis resources (and really, everyone in that agency should know that very few sexual assault cases ever even make it to trial, let alone a conviction, and so acting as if they need a verdict rather than believing what you told them is a pretty big blunder in my opinion).

That's a lot all at once, so I'm going to pause there and see how that's all sounding. Too, do you know if your caseworker is licensed? Or is working solely with a BSW? That can change how you report them.

I do also want to say that if you want to talk more candidly about details that might identify you or your location, we do have the option of our chat service, which would just be you and one of our team (probably me). That's available from 11am-1pm PST today, but if you need it earlier I can open it.

[Donnwannago]

Thank you,

My caseworker gave me her business card. It says (name)-BSW. It may be an older card, but it does not say -MSW or -LCSW.

Glossary items: trauma-informed care, re-traumatization.

(When I have a chance, I'm going to look up educational pathways to obtaining a MSW degree.)

I have an appointment to speak with an advocacy attorney, and I will relate the legally relevant parts of your posts along with the following to them.

(Based on a earlier request) I just received some copies of contemporaneous notes and emails sent by a teacher here whom I confided in, and emails from other people (including an administrator of the high school) concerning the fact that I had told the teacher specific details of being sexually abused three times and raped twice (as state law here define both) between 2019 and 2022. The emails show that at least two teachers told the same administrator and that administrator said they told my (previous) CPS caseworker. The same administrator also stated that there was no need to continue discussing this unless there were "new allegations being made" of "abuse that occurred prior to my coming to (school name) since (CPS) was already investigating".

No, CPS was not "investigating". I think that that is a salient point.

As I understand it, from listening to others (so I may be confused or they may be confused or lying) CPS only investigated one 2022 incident (the one where I was raped by my parents' drug dealer in payment for illegal drugs). Two early memos from the administrator say that delving into earlier allegations of abuse (by my mother's father) might have the undesirable effect of hampering the state's prosecution of the drug dealer.

I figure that idea had to have come from higher-ups in CPS, or the district attorney, not an individual caseworker.

But, without any guessing at all, in a state that mandates reporting by all school employees, at least two teachers said that I told them that my mother's father had unlawful sexual contact with me*, and that the administrator said that he told my CPS case worker.

I also told the same things to my (previous) CPS caseworker, so it's not exactly she said-she said.

No matter what, an employee of CPS who was specifically assigned to me heard allegations of sexual abuse and to my knowledge (because this is what my later CPS case worker said and it meshes with events) no investigation of any kind was initiated (possibly because of what the school administrator said that my earlier CPS caseworker said, that it could jeopardize an ongoing criminal prosecution.)

*Because of the circumstances (my mother told me that her father had done it to her as well and not to make a big deal about it; that he did it because I "was young and pretty, and he was a man looking at the future") I believe that my mother knew her father was molesting me. I'm not sure that I told my teachers this. They didn't record it either way.

[Sam W]

I have some more thoughts and advice, but I need to say from the start: my jaw hit the floor reading what your mother said to you about her fathers abuse. I agree with you that given this, she likely knew he abused you and she made ZERO effort to keep you safe from it. Which is, quite frankly, unconscionable behavior from a parent and I'm so sorry you dealt with it (and relieved you managed to get away from them; even if you're not able to prevent reunification entirely, your actions made it so you got at least a few years out of that unsafe home).

I'm glad you're contacting the advocacy attorney, and I'm hoping they're able to help you and your foster family get some clarity on what your current options are and what the heck happened with the previous CPS reports. I'm not a legal expert, but I did work as a rape crisis counselor in your state, and from the information you got it sounds like someone at CPS dropped the ball at some point, possibly resulting in there not being records in the system that your teachers had reported the abuse you disclosed to them. Your advocate may tell you this as well, but in your state there isn't a statue of limitations on child sexual abuse; an investigation could have been done after the trial.

(I'm also a bit perplexed as to why investigating child abuse was seen as somehow potentially interfering in the drug charges but, again, not a lawyer).

To give your caseworker some minor benefit of the doubt, I suspect some of this is coming from above her. CPS is under pressure to reunify where possible (both from a mission perspective and the fact that doing so often eventually gets the family off their rosters, helping with the case load). So I think it might be worth a shot to, if you're able to speak to someone up the chain, point out that while reunification is technically a goal of the agency, it's currently failing at it's primary goal of keeping a child--in this case, you--out of harm.

What would be a helpful next step in terms of us supporting you? We could continue to talk about how to frame this to CPS to try and get them to stop or hit the brakes on reunification, or about how to safety plan if the reunification proceeds, or something else that it would be helpful to you to use this space for.

[Donnwannago]

Hi,

Thanks,

This might not be the "right" place to post this but it is something I just wanted to say.

Before I learned of the existence of Scarleteen . . ..

Because, and I know this will surprise you (sarcasm), you are on page 26 when I Google something like "sexual assault", way behind Amazon, eBay, Etsy, Home Depot, JC Penny, Starbucks, Sears, Kohls, and McDonalds . . ..

I do so appreciate that you have real live human beings with functioning brains reviewing submissions.

I had, previous to finding this place, asked similar questions elsewhere. As I said before in 3/4 of those places my queries were deleted and or I was canceled.

Today my 4th was taken down. At least at that site I was able to have a short conversation with what I assume is a real, but rather stupid, human being.

The specific thing that I said, which they took objection to was: "my bio mother whored me out".

It wasn't that statement in a vacuum though. It was the fact that I said I was 16 and this happened 4 years ago . . .

Honestly, I was rather impressed that they could subtract four from sixteen and get twelve.

But having sex . . . because that is the way they define being raped . . . at 12 is against "community standards".

In her, they used a female name, response to my appeal to being canceled, "she" said "while you are suffering, we simply do not have the resources to deal with the abnormal."

Fucking wow!

It is a sexual and domestic abuse website . . . for non-extant supreme being sake!

Really? Is domestic abuse in the USA so "normal" that sexual abuse is "abnormal"?

[KierC]

Hey there Donnwannago,

This is a perfectly good place to post this! And I hear you on how *absolutely* ridiculously uninformed some people are on talking about rape, and how that’s been really impacting how you can get support. Your experience reaching out to several platforms for help and getting really wrong and awful messages back is an important thing to talk about, and you’re being incredibly resilient by speaking up about all of this. I’m really glad you found us here (on the 26th page, no less!) and can talk about what you’re going through.

I’m really sorry to hear that some people on other platforms have been blocking or trying to cancel you — it’s complete crap behavior to speak to survivors like people have spoken to you. You have done nothing wrong by talking about this, in fact you’re doing everything you can by seeking support. You also deserve not to be ridiculed or for people to manage how you talk about being raped. This is your experience, and you have the right to think about this and speak about it in whatever way makes sense to you.

I know that not every person on every platform is going to be able to help with abuse and assault, but them telling you that they can’t help because they’re classifying this as “abnormal sex” and not rape is extremely unhelpful and so so wrong, and I’m sorry you had to hear those messages from people. Unfortunately, abuse and rape isn’t “abnormal,” it happens to many people, and you’re not abnormal or “bad” for this happening to you.

I’m hoping, though, that we can help you get in front of some more people who know that this isn’t your fault and that you deserve support. How does that sound? Too, I know Sam asked this (and they are still involved in this thread, they’re just out today, don’t worry!) but do you have an idea of what might be helpful right now for you in terms of support? We can help you with more of how to talk to CPS about this, a safety plan, or something else too. All in all, we’re here for you.

[Donnwannago]

Hi KierC,

This morning I received an email from a moderator at that website outlining all of the specific rules that I violated. If she were making this up it would be funny. ** no discussion of anyone under 14 engaging in sexual activity (because those under 14 can't consent) ** no discussions of illicit drug use ** no allegations of incest (now, that one wasn't spelled out, it's part of the no accusing anyone of illegal activity rule) ** no discussions using legal terminology (because laws vary place to place)** no saying someone was convicted of a crime (because it could be looked up) ** no discussion of the possible motives of others ** no discussion of specific sex acts ** no discussion of specific body parts **.

So, I guess I could of said, "I don't like it when he puts his thingy in my thingy," but that might just mean that his car charger takes forever to recharge my phone.

It's sort of like mailing out a survey to homeowners only to see if there are any homeless people in your town.

Something that we did got CPS's attention. My caseworker showed up unannounced at my foster parents, but I was not there. They told her where I was, and when they expected me back. She left, and so far she hasn't showed up here, but I am going to bring an adult witness with me when I return.

"My bike got a flat. But, Pastor Mike's wife was nice enough to give me a ride home."

[KierC]

Ah, I hear you on the rules of that platform. It sounds like it would be hard to use those platforms to actually explain what’s going on, especially if you’d have to use euphemisms and such. Too, legal terminology is really important for you given this particular situation, so I’m glad you’ve found this platform where you can discuss this.

I agree with you too on the homeowner analogy — I can’t imagine how a platform can help people if those people can’t explain what is happening to them, and I’m also surprised that they didn’t at least try to give you a resource for rape crisis support. Again, though, you’ve done a really great job finding a good space for yourself to talk about this as openly as you’d like. Not every space is going to be a healing space, but it’s really good that you call it out when you see it, and continue to seek a better space for support and resources.

Thank you for the update on your caseworker showing up, too. I will make sure Sam knows this update as well in case they have more thoughts about this when they’re in next. Do you know what it was that got CPS’s attention, or what your caseworker said to your foster parents?

I think it’s a great idea to bring an adult witness with you when you return, especially someone from the circle of trusted people you’re building. Too, if/when your caseworker returns and continues to minimize or dismiss your concerns, you can keep note of that interaction as evidence when you take these concerns up the chain. How does that sound to start?

[Donnwannago]

Hi KierC,

The CPS caseworker explained that there was a "hiccup" in the process of "reunifying my f****y". I substituted asterisks because the CPS caseworker used a word that does not apply in this situation. She did not elaborate or specifically say that the timetable had been either extended or that the whole plan was off, just that she would inform my foster parents.

Which leaves me wondering why she bothered to make a 45 or so mile round-trip drive. Maybe it was just a peaceful drive in nice weather, burning an hour on the time-clock, or maybe she can log it as a visit, or as a wellness check, and I shouldn't worry. But I can't help looking for clues. My foster parents told her where I was. But friends there said she didn't show up even after I left.

My pastor, school principal, and teacher have each both called the 1-800-USE-LESS CPS hotline number and written their accounts of what I told them about my mother's father. So, on the positive side, I am hoping CPS is scuttling their plans. But I don't know. My foster parents said that they hadn't been told this, but not to be too happy, CPS has the ability to remove me at any time without a truthful explanation being given to them.

I am following my teacher's lead and writing everything down. Printing it out on paper as soon as I am done so that I can safeguard it if I lose my access to technology.

Thanks

[Sam W]

Hi Donnwannago,

I'm glad to hear you're keeping a document, if only because having that makes it easier to establish a pattern of behavior, which often gets taken more seriously by things like CPS. And honestly, I'm glad you have teachers who you not only trust enough to talk about this situation with, but that are solidly on your team.

It does feel a bit like your caseworker and/or CPS in general is doing a sort of "update: update is pending" bit of communication right now. If you haven't yet, can you and your foster family agree to reach out on Friday to ask for clarification? Even if that clarification is "someone up the decision-making chain re-evaluating the situation, and is going to let us know by [date]."

[Donnwannago]

Hi SamW,

My foster parents were a bit perplexed by the caseworker's visit, and they wanted to speak to her and obliquely ask her: "what's going on". So, in based in part on our conversations, I suggested some specific questions. I wasn't part of the call, but so far they tell me that they haven't gotten anything more than the case worker saying that she would ask her supervisor.

I mean, maybe that's how CPS operates. But it implies that the caseworker didn't know why she spent at least an hour driving out to my poster family's home. Maybe I'm paranoid, but it seems we aren't (or maybe the case worker isn't) be told about plans being made in the upper echelon. (Or worse, it was a fishing expedition.)

Another adult friend whom I won't identify has an idea that I really like. It's perfectly legal, but cannot involve my foster family. After I get a couple opinions from people here who would have to cooperate, I may ask your opinion.

[Willa]

Hi Donnwannago,

I am so sorry your case worker has been so ineffective and uncommunicative during this process. Echoing Sam's advice earlier in the thread, it may be worth it to investigate getting in touch with a higher up of your case worker to see if you can get a clearer understanding of the timeline and plan moving foreward, especially as it seemingly does not sound like your case worker knows herself. Possibly your foster family could be of help to use this instance to file an official complaint about your caseworkers insufficient ability to provide relevant information to your case. Utilizing statements from trusted adults may (unfairly) be taken more seriously within the system.

We are here to discuss any options you feel would be most helpful. Even if you are not sure or do not have a full plan, we are always here as well to talk things out together. Dealing with the pressure of these responsibilities can be enraging and exhausting, if you ever wanted to discuss a plan for more general self care we are also able for these types of discussions. If not we can continue to be a resource here as you receive more information going forward.

[Donnwannago]

Hi SamW and Willa,

The idea that was presented to me by an attorney who is a social acquaintance, but who does not have any experience with torts is to file a civil suit against my parents and grandfather. She thinks that there are two easily identifiable causes that would force the police and CPS to turn over records. She, or some other responsible adult in my support network could do it as a "next friend", and it would be outside of my foster family's ability to control.

[Sam W]

I think the "next friend" idea is a very good one, especially since your community seems willing to speak up on your behalf or, at the very least, raise concerns about you going back into an unsafe home. So, if that's an option, I would at least look into the steps toward pursuing, and if the attorney could get you at least a meeting with someone who IS experienced in that area, that would be even better.

Have you heard anymore from CPS? I suspect you're right that some of what's going on here may be that the channel of communication between supervisors and caseworkers isn't super great; that kind of slow or convoluted communication is common in a lot of big agencies.

I do also want to step back and give you some serious props for how you've been handling all this; you're advocating for yourself on a level that's hard for adults, let alone someone still in their teens, and you deserve to hear that that's really freaking impressive.

[Donnwannago]

Hi SamW,

It's 4 PM on Friday and we haven't heard from my caseworker or anyone at CPS.