Scarleteen

When I got to check down there using a mirror I don't have anything there..?? There's no hood/flaps of skin at the top where it should be and what skin there actually is, are two small pieces that kinda stick out but don't create a hood shape and arent attached to each other. All I can see is what literally looks like a small hole, there's nothing there. It's sensitive to the touch but when I go to masturbate I don't feel anything and I can't get myself to orgasm by touch AT ALL. I've tried a vibrator too but it ends up hurting after a couple seconds. I've grown up only being able to lock my legs behind the back of a chair, press on my stomach, and rock(?) I don't know what to do:(

Hi there Prettypaws, and welcome to the boards!

I’m sorry to hear you’ve been having trouble finding your clitoris — I know this can be really frustrating to try to find it and realize your anatomy looks different from typical diagrams. But if I can reassure you at all, there’s no one way a vulva is “supposed” to look. In fact, while the clitoris is typically sheltered by some skin, plenty of folks have a smaller clitoral hood or even a less protruding clitoris — more of an “innie” than an “outie” if that makes sense (using belly button terminology). Also, some folks do find that their outer labia is much bigger and covers the inner labia, which can be revealed by gently spreading the outer labia apart with your fingers. Here is a great article we have, too, that goes more in-depth on the clitoris and how to find yours! Innies & Outies: The Vagina, Clitoris, Uterus, and More!

When you use a mirror to find it, have you tried exploring with your fingers to pull back those pieces of skin and see? I ask because your experience of sensitivity to touch in that area, plus the vibrator hurting, does indicate that you probably have a clitoris because you are feeling sensation there. Too, I’ll add that the clitoris is much bigger than just the external head, it actually goes inside too, and the majority of the clitoris is actually on the inside of your body! So, my guess is that you may have a smaller clitoral head, but you indeed have a clitoris to explore.

I’m sorry to hear, though, that it’s been difficult to find pleasure masturbating. It can be really tricky sometimes to figure out what works for you, and you’re not alone there: plenty of folks do find that they go through a process of exploring many different erogenous zones with different techniques before finding the most pleasurable way to masturbate. You can see in this article that there’s a multitude of ways folks find masturbation pleasurable, and it can take some time to find which way works for you. Some things that can make this exploration a bit more fun and pleasurable include making sure you're relaxed and aroused, using lots of lube, and approaching any exploration you do with curiosity and appreciation instead of with judgment and expectation. Those things can all go a long way to getting us in the right headspace for pleasure, “setting the stage” as it were.

Also, when you say you’ve grown up only being able to rock your legs etc., were you able to feel pleasure with those activities? Plenty of folks do find that they enjoy a grinding sensation more than laying on their back and touching directly, especially if their anatomy is more sensitive to direct touch. If those activities felt good for you, exploring other ways to produce that sensation of rocking and compression might be a good place to start! The article I linked above, Going Solo: The Basics of Masturbation, has some great information on how to explore these sensations.

That was a long response, so I’ll stop there: how are you feeling about all that?

Yes I have tried moving skin back, I've looked at diagrams and pictures and all sorts of stuff since I was in my early teens yet nothing looks like mine. I've just recently started trying to get into masturbating without using any grinding motion against my chair, but I feel nothing besides the awkward rubbing situation. I'm embarrassed of it since I'll be considered 18 soon and I've never properly learned my own body and I wouldn't know how to handle anything sexual knowing I can't masturbate properly. It makes me fearful of ever having intimacy..

Hi Prettypaws,

Ah, I got you — pulling the skin back still didn’t reveal anything, and I hear you that it’s been making you feel really badly. I think it may be that you have a very small clitoral head, but I hear you that you’ve looked around at pictures and diagrams and you’re still concerned — are you able to see a gynecologist, who would be able to take a look with you and a mirror and help you identify parts of your anatomy?

I’m really sorry to hear that this all has been making you feel embarrassed and fearful of having intimacy in the future. I know it’s a really crap experience to feel like you don’t look like everyone else, and I hear you that it can be scary too thinking about having intimacy with another person when you feel this way. While self-exploration is a healthy activity, it can become a really painful activity when we look at our bodies with expectations of what things *should* look like or what things *should* feel good. Self-exploration is best when approached with the mindset of unbiased curiosity, because the reality is you have the body you have, and all you can really do with that fact is care for and love the body you live in. That’s just to tell you that you have the opportunity to explore this in a self-loving way. Know what I mean?

I’ll say too, nothing is wrong with your body for looking like this, and there’s also nothing wrong with the way you masturbate that works for you. I know that sometimes, though, saying that isn’t enough. With that in mind, would you like to talk more about your feelings there, and why you’re feeling really badly about this? Also, do you want to talk a bit more about why you feel that the way you masturbate (grinding on an object) is abnormal?