Scarleteen

Hi, sorry if something goes wrong it’s my first time using this.
I am 16 and have never been in any relationships before and I have never had a crush apart from child ones when I was like 8. It has been that I thought people were attractive and wanted to date them, but any intimacy hasn’t been my priority when thinking about them.

Anyway to get to the point I’ve been researching for a couple weeks all about masturbation and stuff since I want to feel how ‘nice’ people say it is. I don’t put pressure on myself to do it but I’m confused why I never feel the need to masturbate, then when I do masturbate it’s nothing special and it doesn’t feel that great. I also don’t think that I’ve been horny, I don’t really understand the concept. I see someone attracted and think about wanting to be with them but there’s no physical reaction, it’s just a mild thought.

I don’t think I’m asexual even though there’s nothing wrong with being so, it’s just not me as I do want intimacy in the future to be part of my relationships, but I just don’t ‘feel’ the horny-ness or arousel people talk about.

I want to know how it feels to be horny and find it pleasurable to masturbate. Also because I’m concerned this means I won’t like sex when I’m older which is sad for me.

Any advice?

Hi Random,

So, I have a few different thoughts on this! The first is that, if you don't generally experience sexual desire or arousal, then it's unsurprising that masturbation hasn't felt like much to you. Our brains are our biggest sexual organs, so if they're not aroused, then masturbation is going to feel pretty "blah."

Why you don't experience a lot, if any, sexual arousal or desire is much harder to pin down, and there may not even be one, exact answer, because our experiences with arousal are so variable and personal. Some people find it happens for them often and in response to all kinds of things, others find it basically never happens, and lots of people find themselves somewhere in the middle. There's also the fact that whether or not we experience arousal can be tied to so many outside factors, such as stress, that when and how much of it we experience fluctuates throughout our lives.

Maybe you're somewhere on the ace spectrum, though it sounds like that identity doesn't resonate with you. Maybe the pool of people or things you find arousing is on the smaller side. Maybe you haven't had all that much time or space to explore things like fantasies, so you're still learning what even leads to arousal in the first place. Those are just a few of the things that could be at play; do any of them feel like they might be playing a role in this to you?

Too, can you tell me a bit more about why you feel like not wanting or enjoying sex when you're older would be sad for you?

Hi thank you so much for replying I appreciate it.
I do kinda resonate with the fact I’m still quite young and haven’t had time to ‘explore’ what I like and am interested in. I only started masturbating in the first place after I found out that people are ‘supposed’ to get horny - obviously not everyone will, but the large majority of the population. (I don’t pressure myself to do it, I’m just elaborating on why I started thinking about it and experimenting)
And I mean, masturbating doesn’t feel bad, sometimes it’s good-ish but it’s nothing special as people describe and I definitely haven’t orgasmed.

And I’ve never started doing it because I was aroused, usually it was because I was bored. So I’m not sure if I’ll ever get aroused in the future. Maybe it needs to be with a human in person, I just don’t know yet. I’m still 16 after-all but it so far nothing has gotten me horny or in the mood to do something which worries me a bit.

What I’m scared of is that nothing will ever make me horny in the future because so far nothing does, we are talking about videos, books, songs etc. The reason why it’s sad is because I want that to be part of my relationship in the future, not as much that it’s the priority. But for me personally it would be a point of connecting with someone and feeling more personal. I’m not sure how to explain it but if there wasn’t any sex with my partner the relationship would feel ‘unfulfilled’ (there’s nothing wrong with those who have beautiful relationships with no sex, I’m just speaking from personal preference) as the type of healthy relationship I would like involves libido and stuff, sorry if this is tmi. There’s nothing wrong with going through relationships without it, but I can’t imagine doing so, not because of society, but genuinely personal preference.

But yeah overall summary I’m not sure how to get aroused and if it will be possible for me to be so in the future. Considering I’m 16 and still haven’t felt anything apart from aesthetic attraction to someone’s physique (I’m a so called ‘gym rat’), but no sexual attraction or the physical symptoms of arousel. What does horny even feel like? I’m just confused about everything in general and a bit nerved about how I will be in the future and if my issue can improve or change. Is it possible for me to start being horny despite never feeling it before? Will it be a physical or mental reaction? Etc etc

I’m really sorry I think it duplicated by accident I’m not sure how to delete one of the replies

Hi Random! Don't worry about the duplicate post, it is alright.

I think it is definitely possible for you to start feeling arousal in the future, even though you've never felt it before. You're on the right track- give yourself more time to explore what leads to arousal and pleasure for you.

I think being aroused or horny is both a physical and and a mental experience for many people. Physically, it can involve things like increased physical sensitivity and lubrication, relaxation of the vaginal and anal muscles, erections, and an increase in blood pressure. Mentally, people can feel the desire to do certain activities, or to touch or be touched, in a sense.

Here are some resources that you might like to read:
Going Solo: The Basics of Masturbation (This has a list of different ways people masturbate about halfway through)
How to Approach Sexual Fantasy and Desire on Your Own Terms
I Feel Good: Pleasure and Fulfillment

In addition to the links Latha gave you, I want to add this one, because it does a great job of really digging into what desire feels like: How to Understand, Identify and Make Choices About Desire.

You know, with that desire to have your eventual, romantic relationships involve sex, you're right that part of this may be that you haven't encountered someone in your life who inspires sexual feelings in you. When we're 16, our pool of potential partners is usually pretty limited compared to what it might be once we're older and have access to more social circles or dating apps. Too, you may also find that if you start dating, sexual attraction arises as you get to know someone better, rather than being one of the first things that sets off your interest in them.

Thankyou so much for the tips and links, I appreciate it a lot <3

You're welcome!