I can't have orgasms during sex

[olivercuellar]

Hey!

I have never been a person who has had sex with many people. In fact, not even romantic relationships. A few years ago, I met a girl, and she ended up being my first kiss and my first sexual experience. At the time, I was taking antidepressants, and I couldn't feel very horny or have erections. I ended up just giving her oral sex, and, a while later, I discovered that I contracted some STIs because of it. This left me traumatized, but I medicated myself and, a few months later, I was kinda ok.

Months later, I met an incredible girl - we are still dating today. I feel completely safe having sex with her, but, in the beginning, it was very difficult because of the trauma. Anyway, today I'm 100% okay with it.

The problem? She never exactly managed to make me come. I know it's not her fault, btw! Love her a lot. But whenever I come during our sexual relations, it's on me - I can only get there if I masturbate myself. She masturbates me, gives me oral sex and we've even tried vaginal penetration, but I never succeed! I even came close to achieving it, but it never worked out.

I also recently came off a medication (I had been on it for 4 years) that also influenced my libido. I thought I could influence this, but it hasn't changed much - the only difference is that now I cum a little faster, but still depending on my own hand. I do not know what to do.

[Sam W]

Hi olivercuellar,

You're definitely not the first person to find that your sexual response is different with a partner versus when you're on your own. To start out, have you noticed any major differences between how stimulation tends to happen solo versus partnered that might be playing a role here? That could be things like what position you're in, what the stimulation feels like, things like that.

It's also worth reframing this a bit for yourself: it's not that you can't, or aren't, having orgasms during sex. Because you ARE reaching orgasm during sex, you just happen to be doing so using masturbation as part of the overall experience. Does that make sense?

Too, since it sounds like it caused you stress in the past, I do want to check: are you and she taking steps to be on top of STI prevention, such as getting tested and using barriers during sex?

[olivercuellar]

Hi Sam W! Thanks

Well, one thing I've realized is that I can only have orgasms and ACTUALLY feel something if... I imagine something and touch myself while it. For example, something that excites me, which could involve a sexual act that I have done in the past with my girlfriend, for example. Or, at most, I can get close to it when I have a visual reference. This applies to both solo masturbation and sex. Well, when she gives me oral sex, I kinda almost get there while thinking of something like that (but can't cum, anyway). It's important to mention that this (that she can't make me orgasm) slightly worries her too, but everything is under control nowadays regarding that.

In the past, unfortunately, I was addicted to pornography (nowadays, I'm disgusted by it haha), so I don't know to what extent this can also influence how I have orgasms...

About STIs, everything is fine - we keep testing ourselves sometimes!

[Sam W]

Are the things that you imagine or that excite you things the two of you could incorporate into partnered sex? Too, when her not being the one to physically make you orgasm has worried her, what specifically about it was the cause for concern?

Too, when you two have sex, do you feel like there's a lot of focus on whether or not you're reaching orgasm, or a focus on whether or not a given activity you're engaging in will help you get there? Or is it more that you two are focusing on finding the things you both enjoy and orgasm is mostly an afterthought?

I do also want to say that if there were things in pornography that you enjoyed that your girlfriend is also open to trying, that could be another avenue to explore, even if you're no longer comfortable consuming porn itself (we tend to steer clear of talking about porn in terms of "addiction" since we know that's seldom an accurate reflection of what's actually going on, but if consuming porn was making you feel bad or otherwise creating a negative experience for you, deciding to not engage with it anymore was a sound call).

[olivercuellar]

Regarding the concern about not being able to make me cum, it involves that she had had sexual experiences before me, and she was always able to make people cum, even if it took a little longer. It's something that slightly frustrates her, perhaps making her believe that, in fact, I can't have a "VEEEERY COOL" experience.

Well, there's a problem, I guess: in fact, we try to do many of the things that lead to solo pleasure (the things I imagine), even some of the things I watched in porn. But, physically, even though it's very good and I have a lot more fun, it doesn't make me cum anyway. It seems like thoughts make me cum, but physical actions, like positions, don't. Basically: with thoughts, I can enjoy. But performing it physically just feels good and stops there - no orgasms.

Having an orgasm was never exactly a focus, although I always wanted (and managed) to make her have one. She thought I didn't care about this until a while ago (and in fact it didn't happen, but I started to worry a lot more about it), but I decided to talk to her and open up, saying that I actually care. So over the last few weeks we have taken this into consideration. I would say that the focus involves being something fun and, above all, comfortable for both of us, especially considering that we have past sexual traumas and everything.

[Sam W]

You know, if engaging with certain thoughts or fantasies help you reach orgasm, then it seems like those are things to engage in with a partner. Does that feel doable to you? Or does it feel like, even when you try to, you're not able to engage with them during partnered sex?

I'm glad you two have been communicating about this. I think, going forward, it makes sense to keep putting focus on making sure your sexual activities are mutually pleasurable and comfortable and basically treat orgasm as an afterthought. Part of why I say that is because when you put a lot of pressure on yourself, or a partner for that matter, to reach orgasm, that actually makes orgasm LESS likely because things like pressure and stress are arousal killers.

If she's still feeling frustrated, it may help to remind her that orgasms are just one part of the overall sexual experience, and that their presence, or absence, doesn't automatically say anything about how much our partner is enjoying themselves. And while it can certainly be fun to help a partner reach orgasm, the reality is that sooner or later most of us encounter a partner where the path to orgasm isn't that straightforward. That doesn't mean anyone is doing anything wrong, it means we're humans with bodies, and bodies don't always behave how we hope they will.

[olivercuellar]

Regarding the thoughts themselves, I think it’s totally possible for me to explore further! In fact, since they help me have fun, I should continue exploring it. I really just wish it wasn't something that depended exclusively on thoughts, haha. I wanted some actions caused by my partner to help me get there, too. But I'll explore this further and see what happens! I don't think I should rush into this matter, it's ok - as you said, i'm a human, after all. Sex is not something robotic and pre-established, everyone feels it differently.

And yes, totally - it's not interesting, really, to think of sex as something exclusively to have an orgasm, at first. I see sex as something to connect emotionally and physically with my girlfriend, you know? It's something much more emotional than, for example, something I want to do just to relieve myself or something like that. OF COURSE I love cumming and especially making my girlfriend cum - but most of all I want us both to be happy and comfortable!

[Sam W]

Those are all good things to want during partnered sex! Too, it may help to think of it this way: our brains are our biggest sexual organs, which means that things like our thoughts and feelings are always going to play a pretty key role in if and how we experience arousal. So needing to be thinking about specific things during sex is actually a very common experience (and even if it wasn't, if it's what helps you feel good, then that would be the part that actually matters).