Scarleteen

Hi,
I'm currently 17, a virgin, but I'm very sure of my boundaries/what I'm looking for sexually, and tbh very horny so I am looking to have sex. The problem is I'm gay and I go to a pretty conservative private school with very few other gay guys most of whom I've kind of ruled out as potential partners. I'm also a trans guy (post top surgery, on T) which doesn't help. But there's this one guy who lives near me and we're kind of casual acquaintances at school, he's cute, he's nice, and I know from a friend that he's not romantically into guys but is sexually which is fine by me. We hung out earlier this summer and watched Challengers, and he's just got back from a trip and I think we'll meet up again to practice Chinese. Basically I just want to know if it would be completely unhinged to just ask him if he ever wanted to hook up? We don't have any classes together or anything so it wouldn't be super awkward if he said no, but if it did work out it'd be amazing. Basically do you all have any advice on asking a friend to add some benefits to the relationship?

Hi Wannabevamp,

If you're clear about your intentions and provide him the safety to say no, there is no harm in asking!

Heather has an article titled Casual... Cool? Making Choices About Casual Sex that might be useful. And here's a quick read about How to Be an Ethical Hookup Partner.

Do you have any recommendations for how to go about asking?

Hi wannabevamp,

I think what Ellie said about being clear about your intentions is pretty key. When we're asking for something as loaded or as vulnerable as sex, there can be an instinct to rely on hints or other vague language, but in the end that just sets everyone up for a misunderstanding. So, I would be direct and say you're interested in being sexual with him, and that what you have in mind is you two being casual partners, and then ask how he feels about that, then go from there. How does that sound?

As Ellie said, make sure it's a space where he feels safe saying "no." But you also want to have a plan for what to do if he says "yes," because while that may feel like the end of the conversation, it's actually the start of whole other conversation about what you're each interested in, and comfortable with, trying.

Thanks so much! Yeah I definitely want to make sure he feels like he can say no and it won't mess anything up but also try to be very clear about what I'm asking

You're welcome! If you'd like some help in having those conversations, this is a great place to start: Be a Blabbermouth! The Whys, Whats and Hows of Talking About Sex With a Partner (and if you have any questions about it, we're happy to answer them).