Don’t know how to stop feeling like a disappointment to my parents

[rodya]

I’ve started going on hrt behind my parents back and I just can’t stop feeling horribly guilty about it. I think I should come out to them but I don’t think I’ll be able to handle the aftermath. About two years ago, I got outed as liking girls and I remember my mom tearing up and just sitting there in shock, muttering “but it’s a sin”. My dad was a lot calmer about it but I know he’s desperately hoping that it’s a new phase and still tells me things like “when you have a husband”. I’ve never had an actual girlfriend so we just all pretend they never found out, but I think that’ll be a lot harder to do when it comes to me being trans.
I’m just so stressed and it’s gotten to the point where I find myself having these passively suicidal thoughts because I can’t imagine living without transitioning and I can’t imagine living with my parents being disappointed in me and I just feel so stuck and I don’t know how I’m going to be able to face the next day or week.
I know I must sound very spineless and melodramatic, a few days ago my dad told me that I “sometimes acted as if I wasn’t part of this family” because I’m just so scared of doing anything wrong, I feel like I have to spend my life atoning for being trans.
I do also realize how stupid that sounds. I feel like I’m so selfish for transitioning but also if it weren’t for my parents, I would have no doubts or hesitations and I do think it’s kinda ridiculous to not do it just because of them. But I’m still afraid that if they asked me not to I would do it just to make them happy.
I don’t really need help with coming out exactly, I know how I’m going to do it but I want to know if there’s a way to get rid of this horrible feeling. Am I just going to have to feel guilty and ashamed for the rest of my life?

[Latha]

Hello Rodya,

You don't actually have the obligation to come out to your parents, but I understand why you would want to, and why you feel guilty that you haven't told them yet. I don't think you sound spineless or melodramatic- it is natural that you want your parents to understand and accept you, and it must be so painful to see your parents respond this way to you being outed. That is a depressing state of affairs. You won't have to feel guilty and ashamed for the rest of your life, but it might take some practice to internalize the fact that you have done nothing wrong.

I want to encourage you to think about what you deserve and remind yourself of that when you feel guilty or selfish. It might help to write some points down so you can refer to them as you need. You could also imagine what you would say as a parent to someone in your position: how would you respond to a child you care about telling you that they are sure they want to transition, but that they don't want to disappoint you?

I understand you said your suicidal ideation is passive, but just in case, here is a link to a crisis lifeline: https://988lifeline.org/. They will be able to respond quickly and help you if you ever feel like harming yourself.

[Jacob]

Latha's advice is spot on!

I was just thinking that it might help you feel less alone to also know that that feeling of fear, almost as an existential sort of dread, due to upcoming disagreement with our parents does come to nearly all of us at some point. It might feel extra personal for you because it's about your gender, and they've already been disapproving of your orientation, but that moment when we decide to do or say something which we know a parent doesn't want us to say or do, and to say/do it anyway without apologizing or seeking to take it back, is a scary as hell thing to do but is also so-so-so valuable. It's also an important challenge most parents will need to face as their kids enter into adulthood. Even if it's hard for them, it's their responsibility to be supportive, and deal with their discomfort or lack-of-understanding to be there for you. If they struggle to do that, it can be really disappointing and upsetting for you, but it won't have been your fault.

You can't necessarily control how it will feel, or how they will choose to react/behave, but you can give yourself the reassurance that the other side of that terrifying ride absolutely exists and that you are more than capable of strapping on the steat-belt, or pulling down that-thing-you-pull-down-over-your-shoulders-on-a-roller-coaster.

[rodya]

Thank you, I appreciate the advice. I tend to get very frustrated because I feel like there isn't anything that I can actually DO, but it is nice to be reminded that I'm not doing something awful that no one has ever done before. I'm mostly just trying not to think too much about things in the long term for now. I realize my problem isn't necessarily related to my transition and more about me standing up for myself or something like that but it also feels annoying to address that because it also seems to involve a lot waiting. I don't know if any of that made sense, but thanks for the responses, I mostly just needed to complain to someone.

[Jacob]

Oh gosh, tell me about it!

In my late teens "Two more years" by Bloc Pary was basically my theme song. The chorus honestly just goes "two more years, only two more years" on repeat and that became a sort of mantra.

The many ways you take care of yourself in that 'not-yet' period, while you're working out what to do next, and waiting on other life changes to make that safer or easier, is as important, as brave and as self-caring, as anything else you do later on in your life, including grand rebellions and subtle boundary-setting.

Agreed though, experiencing it still sucks: big time!