Scarleteen

Hey!! So I’ve known I’m asexual and in the aromantic spectrum for a while now, but recently I’ve started to question if I possibly could be a lesbian too. I have considered being sapphic for a couple of years but I guess I’ve never been brave enough to call myself a lesbian.

The thing is I only experienced —what I think is— romantic attraction once in my life and it was towards a boy, but now I can only find having aesthetically and platonic feelings towards women.

A couple of days ago a boy confessed their feelings for me and I found it to be the most disgusting and infuriating thing in my life, that’s what lead me to believe that maybe the whole “I might like boys too” was just comphet and that one occasion was probably something else, I hate the idea of being with a man and honestly I don’t find them attractive at all.

I’m sorry if reading this you think is silly (it is) I just really want reassurance or maybe help, am I a lesbian or just have a preference for woman? Can you explain in detail how comphet might be affecting me?

Thanks (·•᷄‎ࡇ•᷅ )

Hi Late Spring, and welcome to the boards!

First, I want to reassure you that I don’t think these are silly questions — these are really important questions for you to explore. Too, with things like compulsory heterosexuality, it’s a good idea to talk about it when you feel like you’re experiencing it, so I think these are all very valid questions to bring to the table.

You can absolutely identify as a lesbian aroace if you feel like that fits you. Given that aro and ace both exist on a spectrum, and that there’s many types of attraction outside of romantic or sexual attraction (for example, aesthetic and platonic attraction, like you mentioned), you can absolutely be aroace and also experience lesbian attraction and relationships.

Identifying as a lesbian also doesn’t mean that you’ve never felt any sort of attraction to men (whether that be romantic, aesthetic, physical, etc.). Plenty of folks who identify as lesbian have experienced attraction to men, and have even had relationships with men in the past, and this doesn’t make them any less lesbian. Similarly for you, regardless of the attraction you experienced for the boy in the past, if you feel that *right now* you could not be happy with a man, you could identify as a lesbian if you want to. How do you feel about that?

I can also give you some more detail on compulsory heterosexuality (comphet) and how it can impact people if that helps. The term comphet was coined by Adrienne Rich in “Compulsory Heterosexuality and Lesbian Existence” — an excellent read, I highly recommend reading it if you’re interested in these topics. Rich argues that comphet forces people of every gender, but particularly women, to be attracted to men and to measure their worth by their ties to men. They argue that heterosexuality is both presumed as the default, and enforced as the “norm,” by multiple modes in our society. The modes by which heterosexuality is presumed and enforced include literature, art, other media, politics, government, social interactions, and more. These forms of influence can sometimes, whether they intend to or not, imply that heterosexuality is the default and the norm. As a result, comphet and the methods through which it works, can end up making people, especially women, feel like they *must* be heterosexual, even a *little* bit, even if they genuinely don’t feel that way.

By your report of feeling like you aren’t brave enough to call yourself a lesbian, to feeling like your previous attraction to the boy might make identifying as a lesbian tricky, it sounds like comphet could be impacting you. Could you say a little more about why you feel like you’re not brave enough to call yourself a lesbian? Too, do you want to talk a bit about how you’re experiencing comphet?